All Your Secrets and More
by LaughLoveLiveXx
Summary: For Spencer Hastings, life has always gone her way- until she met Emily Fields, the first aspect of her existence that she couldn't control. The way she feels about her is uncertain and terrifying, foreign and alarming; like their friendship is on fire with passion. It's out of her control...but somehow, she likes it.  Read and Review.
1. Show Me How To Live

Hey guys, I know it's been too long...but I'm back! For those of you who read it, Even Angels Fall is, unfortunately, officially over, however, my sequel for that will be up as soon as possible. This is a whole new story that I've decided to write, it's very different to my last story, but it contains just as much Spemily and probably even more, so hopefully you'll like it!

Warning, femslash and maybe some M scenes in later chapters, don't like? Don't read.

Disclaimer: If I owned Pretty Little Liars, Spencer and Emily would be together by now.

Read and review please!

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><p>Chapter One- Show Me How to Live<p>

If you've ever visited a suburban town, then you know exactly what it's like. All white houses, picket fences and fresh cut, green grass. It's all the same, anywhere you go. Rosewood, Pennsylvania, looked no different. On the outside, it was a happy, clichéd, suburban town on the outskirts of Philadelphia. At least, that's what it l_ooked_ like. But sometimes, things aren't always what they seem- and for four high school junior girls, this perfect exterior was just a charade for heartbreak, threats and unrequited love.

A pale skinned girl tossed and turned in her four poster bed, kicking off the blankets and pulling them back on again with annoyance. She sat up before throwing her head back down against her pillows, turning this way and that in yet another fruitless attempt to get comfortable. But nothing seemed right, not now that she knew what she had to do, and the reasons she had to do it for. Not now that she had finally admitted to herself what her subconscious must have known for years. Meanwhile, another, tan skinned girl lay wide awake...perfectly still as she listened to her best friends breathing across the room, wondering what went on in her pretty blond head while she dreamt. The last of the four lay curled up in the arms of her lover, content with her life but not with her fate.

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><p>"Hey Em," Spencer Hastings said as she walked over to the lockers where her best friend stood alone, Emily said nothing but picked up her books and slammed her locker shut with immense force, "Woah, what did the locker do to you?" Spencer exclaimed, looking from Emily to the locker, she turned to the locker and put her hand on it, "Are you alright? She hurt you pretty bad, right?" she asked it, faking concern and tutting at Emily. Emily pouted for a second, desperate to stay mad, but she started to giggle when Spencer kissed the locker, "All better now?" she asked it, and Emily laughed some more. The brunette turned to Emily and cocked her head to the side, "See, there's the Emily that I know and love!" she laughed, wrapping an arm around her best friend. Emily turned her head into Spencer's chest and she held her there for a few minutes, thankful for the deserted hall.<p>

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong or are we going to stand here all day?" Spencer whispered in her ear, Emily lifted her head up and wiped her eyes quickly with the sleeve of her shirt,

"It's nothing really, it's just, no, you know what, forget about it?" she asked quickly, turning away. Spencer pouted and grabbed her arm,

"Come on, you know that you can tell me anything, right?" she asked, pulling Emily closer to her, Emily smiled a little and shook her head,

"Okay, but it's really stupid…" Spencer nodded, signaling for her to continue, "It's just that everything's too much, you know? On Monday, I'm doing a make up test of a make up test, I'm still not allowed back on the swim team and we're still stuck doing community service for another two weeks and A's still plaguing us with their incessant threats and, to top it all off, it's Valentine's Day and I just…I just wish I could have a really good Valentine's Day for once. You know? The whole rose petals on the bed, romantic movie, candlelit dinner and just…everything…" Spencer laughed with her signature smirk, and looked Emily dead in the eyes,

"That's not stupid Em," she said comfortingly, "It's sweet. Who knew that you were such a romantic?" she giggled and Emily smiled gently, "Tell you what, why don't you come over tonight? Hanna's with Caleb and Aria has Ezra, so I don't see any reason as to why you and I shouldn't hang out?" Emily grinned,

"That sounds great Spence, thank you." She added sincerely,

"Great, I'll pick you up at eight." She smiled, leaning forward and kissing Emily's cheek.

As she watched her walk away Emily lifted her hand and subconsciously touched the spot that Spencer had kissed, biting her lip to stop herself from breaking out into an all to readable smile.

That was just it though, no matter how hard she tried not to be, Emily Fields was just that- readable; predictable, almost. Spencer didn't make it easy though, not to hide how she felt. It was like a game, being with Spencer, a game they played together, to _act_ gay. Constantly holding hands or linking arms whenever they were together, calling each other by pet names and flirting outrageously…kissing each other's cheeks in greeting as opposed to hugging like the other girls did. Just a game. But she loved it.

However, after the Alison DiLaurentis debacle, she'd sworn to herself that she would never again let love get in the way of friendship- especially not Spencer's. As badly as she wanted her, she needed her more as a friend than anything else.

Sometimes though, Emily would catch Spencer looking at her when she didn't expect it; or Spencer would turn her head when Emily kissed her, ensuring that Emily kissed just a little nearer to her lips…and in those moments, Emily convinced herself that Spencer may just feel the exact same way as she did.

"Em!" Hanna screeched, snapping her fingers in her friends' face, "Emily!" Emily jumped slightly, pushing whatever thoughts were preoccupying her clear to the back of her mind, "What's up I've been standing here, for like, an hour and you're like totally out of it."

"It's more like two minutes Han, and she's probably just tired," Aria spoke up as the voice of reason; Emily smiled at her gratefully,

"Whatever," Hanna grinned, "So, you wanna go to the mall? I need something to wear for Caleb tonight." She asks hopefully, looking between the two of them,

"Don't you mean something for Caleb to take off?" Aria asked, smirking a little,

"And don't have a makeup test in Chemistry tonight anyway?" Emily asked apprehensively, recalling seeing it scribbled on a note on the desk that they shared.

"She's procrastinating." Aria drawled by way of explanation, rolling her eyes. Hanna shot her a look,

"Ew, like I'd ever do that in public." She exclaimed with a look of abject horror, Emily and Aria exchanged a look before looking quizzically at Hanna,

"What? If I'm going to get personal with my right hand I'd do it in private." She said with an air of superiority before looking intently at her blackberry, Aria laughed out loud,

"How do you live with her Em?" she asked, still half laughing, Emily smiled and shook her head,

"Sometimes, I really don't know."

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><p>"Hey Spence," Emily sighed after having waited for Spencer to pick up her phone,<p>

"Hey, everything okay?" Spencer asked with concern, snapping Emily out of her daydream,

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I was just wondering, actually, if I could stay the night tonight? I think Hanna and Caleb are going to be pretty busy like, all night, so…" Emily mentally slapped herself, _sleep over_- she corrected herself, you sleep over at your best friend's house, you stay the night with someone after you've slept with them? _You're reading too much into it_ she thought, blushing wildly even thought there was no-one present.

"Of course, I was kind of hoping you would anyway," Spencer said happily, not bothering to fight back a smile, "Do you need me to pick you up? You could drive, but actually, that means we'd have to take two cars to school tomorrow, I'll drive. I'll pick you up at eight like I said earlier, unless that's not okay….I just…." Emily giggled as, the normally highly articulate, Spencer Hastings began rambling,

"Eight's perfect, Spence."

"Who was that on the phone?" Melissa asked from Spencer's doorway,

"None of your God-damn business, that's who Melissa." Spencer bit back, turning around and continuing with what she was doing,

"Well it's obviously someone you care about, you weren't as, shall we say, articulate as usual? And you're cheeks are red, and you can't stop smiling…I'd say it's a boy."

"It's not a smile Melissa; it's a grimace because I'm looking at you. Now please, get out of my room." She replied smoothly, putting her hands on her hips and staring Melissa down.

"Unless it's not a boy. Maybe it's a girl; it is Valentine's day after all, you gonna tell Emily how you feel?" she laughed and Spencer's face flooded crimson,

"I don't know what you're talking about." She replied intransigently, desperately attempting to conceal the truth that her face had already given away, "What? Am I in love with Hanna and Aria too?" she asked sardonically, breathing deeply to try to cool her face,

"Nope," Melissa remarked evenly, "Just Emily. Don't think no-one's noticed Spencer, everyone sees how you look at her. How you treat her differently. Especially Alison, she noticed didn't she? That's why you hated her so much, isn't it? She knew. And she had what you wanted. Emily adored her. You wanted that. You wanted Emily." She continued snidely, her mouth twisting into a smile as she saw tears forming in Spencer's eyes.

"Get out." Spencer growled through gritted teeth. Melissa laughed coldly,

"Hit a nerve did I?" she grinned, "Well, I'll leave you alone tonight so you can confess your love in peace. But I'd tell her tonight. If you don't…I will."

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><p>Spencer sat in her Mercedes parked outside of Hanna's house and beeped the horn on her steering wheel, letting the sound reverberate around the vicinity, cuing Emily to come outside. She wiped the palms of her hands on the thighs of her Levi's for what seemed like the thousandth time over the duration of the past ten minutes, before meticulously fixing her hair and paranorically checking her perfect skin for any sign of blemish<em>. <em>_Perfect. _she thought to herself as she watched Emily step out of the house and turn to lock the door behind her, _Not that you even have a prayer with her._ She sighed with an odd mixture of anxiety and content as she allowed her eyes to wander along her best friends perfectly toned body, perhaps letting them flicker over her chest for a little longer than she should have.

"Hey, pretty girl," she smiled, kissing Emily's cheek as she got out the car and opened the passenger door for her,

"Wow," Emily muttered, "Both a compliment and treated well? Who said chivalry was dead?" Spencer laughed at the dark haired girls dry humor,

"Only the best for you, madam." she bowed down to Emily before shutting her door, her hand lingering for a second on the door handle as she replayed the twinkling sound of Emily's laugh in her head before getting in her own side of the car.

"So, tonight," Spencer stated, smiling knowingly at her best friend, "I have decided that we're not going to give into the stereotype." she spoke conclusively, but smiled broadly when Emily gave her a questioning look, "For years and years, single girls have been being sold the idea that, on February 14th every year, they are to wallow in self pity, eating piles of carbohydrates and candy and then complaining about their weight before watching depressing, and not to mention highly unrealistic, cheesy movies about events that would never happen in the real world for many reasons, and crying themselves to sleep in a pile of tissues."

Emily laughed loudly before looking to Spencer with adoration,

"You're a real cynic, you know that right?" she asked rhetorically, squeezing Spencer's knee affectionately. the gesture sent shivers through Spencer's spine and her stomach tingled from the intense butterflies that had taken up residence there upon merely seeing Emily.

"So, if we're not doing 'the stereotype' tonight, what are we doing?"

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><p>"Okay, you can open them now." Spencer whispered, removing her hands from around Emily's eyes and stepping back. Emily surveyed the room with a gasp, feeling tears start to prick her eyes and threatening to spill over more and more as she took in each perfect detail, from the flickering, scented candles placed precisely around the room, and the rose petals scattered all both across Spencer's crisp white sheets and across the floor, to the tiny, round table set for two that Spencer had arranged with flowers and wine.<p>

"I know it's really cheesy and kind of lame and totally unoriginal but you said that you wanted to have a proper Valentines day so I thought that...oh God this is stupid, isn't it?" Spencer rambled, slowly becoming more and more incoherent, and turning a deep shade of scarlet.

"Shh," Emily whispered, cutting off the rest of Spencer's mumbling by wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her temple lightly, "It's perfect...you're perfect."

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><p>AN Cheesy? Yeah, I know, but hopefully it's not too bad? Let me know what you think :)

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	2. For Tonight, You're Only Here To Know

So, as much first chapter was pretty well received, here's chapter two! Thank you to all of those who reviewed it means so much to me.

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><p>Chapter Two- For Tonight, You're Only Here To Know<p>

"Emily?" Hanna whispered into the darkness of their bedroom, "Em, you okay?" there was no response, save the quiet sound of Emily's sniffling and rugged breathing, Hanna sighed and lay back down, pulling the sheets up around her body and rolling over to face the wall, pressing one ear firmly against her pillow and covering the other with the sheets, if Emily didn't want to talk to her about what was bothering her, she wasn't going to pressure her to, but she sure as hell didn't want to sit and listen to her cry. It broke Hanna's heart to hear her best friend cry and not be able to help; she loved Emily more than life itself, like the sister that she never got to have. And once Emily moved in with her, she'd worried that it might affect their friendship, living together as well as the excessive amount of time that they spent together normally, but it hadn't, at least, not in a bad way, if anything it had made them even stronger. In a way that was what bothered her; usually, she could read Emily like an open book. She could tell when the tan skinned girl was happy, awkward or insecure. When she was missing her parents, stressing over an exam or being tormented by A. She knew everything about the other girl from her personal best swimming record, to the location of her birthmark and the date that she got her period every month; but this? Whatever was bothering Emily this time was illegible to Hanna, and it scared her.

She was pulled form her thoughts by a slight draft as the sheets moved, followed by the press of Emily's cold feet against her own. She rolled over to find herself almost nose to nose with Emily, so close she could count the stray tear drops that still lingered on her eyelashes despite her furious attempts to wipe them away. Emily smiled weakly at her, her bottom lip trembling slightly as she did. Hanna didn't say a word, but reached out and pulled Emily into her body, resting her Head against her own chest and stroking her hair softly,  
>"It's okay to cry, Emmy," she whispered soothingly, "I got you, it's all going to be okay." she kissed Emily's temple softly as the dark haired girl sobbed quietly into her chest. They lay like that for what seemed like forever to Hanna until Emily's breathing evened out enough for her to regain composure; she looked up at Hanna and blushed slightly,<br>"I'm sorry," she murmured, looking away again and bowing her head. Hanna didn't try to make her look or talk but rolled her eyes before taking her hand and squeezing it.  
>"Please tell me that you didn't just apologize for crying?" she asked incredulously making Emily laugh a little, "Hey, are you tired?" she whispered, Emily shook her head slightly,<br>"No, but if you are then it's alright, I can just go back to my own bed it's fine," she said quickly, making to stand before Hanna caught her hand again.  
>"No, that's not what I was thinking." She smiled maliciously.<p>

"Have I told you lately that you're my best friend?" Emily laughed, looking up at Hanna from her spot on the bed where she was cuddled up a mass of blankets with her, a giant bowl of cookie dough and a pot of chocolate ice cream between them,  
>"As a matter of fact, I don't think you tell me how amazing I am nearly enough." Hanna declared dramatically, causing Emily to laugh even more.<br>"Well, you are. My best friend, that is, and you're amazing too. And almost as modest as Spencer." she giggled with as much sarcasm as she could muster, Hanna grinned,  
>"So, how was your date with Spence?" Hanna smirked. Emily turned bright red,<br>"It wasn't a date Han, just two single friends hanging out on Valentine's day. What makes you think it was a date?" Hanna's eyes widened,  
>"Nothing, geez, sorry Em. I didn't realize it was such a sensitive topic." She said slowly, eyeing her best friend carefully, "So, what did you do?"<p>

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><p><em>"So, tell me a secret Spencer." Emily giggled, taking another sip of wine and leaning back against the headboard of Spencer's bed, fingering a rose petal as she did, fascinated by it's soft touch,<br>"A secret?" Spencer asked, smirking a little at Emily's request, "I think you know all my secrets, honey." she lay her head down in Emily's lap and smiled up at her,  
>"Come on, there's got to be something that I don't know!" Emily pleaded playfully, Spencer rolled over slowly so that she could look Emily directly in the eye,<br>"Okay, I got something." She decided, a pensive and slightly anxious look dressing her striking features, Emily nodded at her to continue and Spencer looked away, playing tentatively with the ring on her best friends finger, spinning it round and round in time to the pace of her thoughts, "I've always wondered, what it would be like, to kiss a girl..." she whispered slowly, articulating her secret with a mysterious air, pausing for a second before raising her eyes to Emily, her big, brown orbs deep and reflective of her fear.  
>"Well, I could tell you..." Emily started, watching as Spencer fiddled with her ring, "Or, I could show you?" Spencer's eyebrows raised as she lifted her head off of Emily so as to see her more clearly,<br>"Do you mean that?" She asked quietly, feeling butterflies flutter through her body, Emily nodded slightly, inwardly shocked at how bold she was being, and wondering if it was the wine. She hadn't even had that much, maybe, she thought, just maybe, she would tell Spencer tonight.  
>"Mmmh," she murmured, "So long as you don't mind me being your first girlgirl kiss?" she asked, taking Spencer's hand,  
>"No," Spencer whispered, shaking her head, "I don't mind at all."<br>Emily nodded and the girls awkwardly sat up, facing each other. Spencer felt her palms start to sweat and she fidgeted slightly,  
>"It's okay, Spence, just relax." Emily whispered, Stroking Spencer's hair with her free hand, "Close your eyes." Spencer did as she was told and Emily took a deep breath to steady herself, she closed her own eyes as she tilted her head slightly to the left and softly pressed her lips to Spencer's. When she didn't pull away, Emily pressed them a little more firmly together, becoming braver and braver with each second; she felt Spencer's lips begin to move against her own and ran her hands up the shorter girls back, enjoying the sensation she felt when Spencer shivered at her touch. Spencer raised her own hands to Emily's head, tangling her fingers in her soft, shiny hair as she felt Emily bit her bottom lip gently. Spencer quivered at the gestured and responded by tracing her tongue across Emily's lips, shyly surrendering to her need to taste more of her best friend. Emily granted her access willingly, gently slipping her own tongue inside of Spencer's mouth, enjoying the taste of the wine that still lingered on her tongue. Emily lowered her hands to the small of Spencer's back, running her fingers teasingly across the thin strip of skin that was revealed by her low waisted jeans. She grazed her finger tips across as much of Spencer's skin as she could find, fighting the intense desire within her to take off the thinner girls' shirt. Spencer slowly untangled her hands from Emily's hair and brought them down to rest just above Emily's chest, she hesitated, breaking the kiss slightly and looking worriedly at Emily for consent. She nodded her head and Spencer cupped her breasts lightly, surprised herself at how natural everything felt with Emily. As they captured each others' lips once, neither girl was sure if she could make sense of what what happening, but neither of them wanted to let go.<em>

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><p>"Hey, Em." Hanna snapped, jerking Emily from her thoughts, "Welcome back." she muttered sarcastically as she made eye contact with her best friend, "You just totally spaced out on me, I asked what you did with Spencer?" Emily fought back a blush and grinned,<br>"Oh, yeah, um, just got to know each other a little better, that's all. It's been a long time since it was just us."

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><p>AN Not quite at the M rated scenes yet I'm afraid but we're getting there, hope you enjoyed it!

Review please!

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	3. I Need You Now

And chapter three is here :)Thank you so much to those of you who reviewed, it inspires me so much to read your feedback.

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><p>Chapter Three- I Need You Now<p>

Four days had passed since Valentines' Day, but to Emily it seemed like years; it wasn't that Spencer had been avoiding her, as such, in fact, she'd been around more than ever- but it seemed that she was avoiding spending any time alone with her. Whenever it was approached, Spencer was quick to shut down any idea that involved close contact or privacy without what seemed like supervision. She'd tried to reassure herself over the duration of the past few days that it wasn't about her, or because of her, Spencer probably just had something going on at home or, more likely, she was confused. Whenever Emily thought in a derogatory manner regarding Spencer, she quickly scolded herself, reminding herself painfully of how it had felt to finally face her emotions and then to come out. Not that she could really say that she 'came out of the closet' as such, it was more like she fell out...on her face. It had to be hard for Spencer to realize whatever it was she was trying to come to terms with, but it didn't stop the ache in her chest. Especially after last night, now she thought that the pain may never go away.

She wondered how she'd never noticed before; Spencer wasn't exactly the most subtle person that she knew and wasn't Emily supposed to have 'gaydar'? Shouldn't she have flagged Spencer as a possibility? _You're over thinking this, _a small voice in her head stated; the voice, she realized, sounded suspiciously like Spencer herself, _Yeah, Fields, just tell her how you feel! _That wasn't Spencer any more, but Hanna sounding through her head, she smiled subconsciously as she pictured her blond best friend rolling her eyes.

"Hey," A voice called softly across the room, startling Emily slightly and making her jump,  
>"Oh, hi," she whispered, her voice cracking slightly. She coughed a little to clear her throat and pulled her cardigan tighter around her, before finally looking up into her best friends eyes. Aria crossed the room slowly, as if making any sudden movements could be fatal, she sat down beside Emily and placed a hand on her forearm.<br>"How are you holding up?" She asked sweetly, her ever expressive eyes burning with honesty, Emily shrugged,  
>"I'm fine." She mumbled. Aria raised her eyebrows in a slightly sarcastic way, "What? I don't have any reason not to be fine." She said bitterly, Aria bit her lip, deliberating carefully over her word choice so as not to upset her,<br>"Well, technically that's not true." She said sternly, "You have lots of reasons not to be okay, and it's alright to be scared Em. We're all scared." She added quietly, Emily smiled a little but shook her head slightly, _Trust __her_, the voice in her head screamed, _It's Aria, she's not going to tell anyone._ As if to confirm her thoughts Aria squeezed her hand gently, "And if you ever need to talk about any of those reasons, or if you just need someone to hang out with or to cry to...well, you got me." she grinned, her goofy smile brightening Emily's darkness just a little.

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><p>"Cut the crap Spencer," Hanna shouted, walking into Spencer's bedroom and opening the curtains wide, letting the morning sunlight flood into the room.<br>"What the-Hanna?" Spencer asked drowsily, sitting up in bed and looking at Hanna through bleary eyes,  
>"No shit, Sherlock." Hanna muttered, picking up an almost empty bottle of tequila from the floor and waving it in the brunette's face, "You want to explain this to me?" Spencer looked from Hanna to the bottle and fell back down onto her mattress, attempting to cover her eyes and ears with her hands,<br>"Han, it's early and my head hurts so can you, I don't know, leave?" She mumbled. Hanna sighed in exasperation, setting the bottle down on Spencer's desk before crossing the room to her best friends' bed and, in one swift movement, grabbing the sheets in both hands and pulling them clean off, dropping them to the floor as Spencer squealed.  
>"Do you mind?" She muttered,<br>"Not at all." Hanna smirked,  
>"I could have been naked. What would you have done then?" Spencer asked bitterly, looking down at her barely clothed body and trying to recall the point in the last night in which she had gotten undressed, Hanna rolled her eyes,<br>"You think that would have phased me? And quite frankly, I don't think that that classes as clothed." She bit back, bitterly, gesturing to Spencer's see through white tank that was resting lopsidedly on her chest, and extremely short boy shorts that had pulled down at one side, showing Hanna a little more a her best friend than she'd needed to see. Spencer shifted uncomfortably, pulling up her underwear and trying to cover her chest,  
>"Don't bother," Hanna muttered, "It's not like you have anything to show anyway."<p>

"What is your problem?" Spencer practically screamed, sitting bolt upright in bed now and glaring at Hanna. She laughed dryly, shaking her head and closing her eyes before responding,  
>"My problem? That's a little rich Spence, coming from you. You want to explain to me what happened last night?" Spencer looked to Hanna quizzically, try as she might, she actually couldn't remember a thing of the last night. Replaying the days events in her head, she skipped through school, remembering how she'd driven home and done her homework, before making dinner and calling Emily...uh oh, Emily.<br>"Oh God," Spencer mumbled, cradling her head in her hands.  
>"Oh God's right, Spencer. You care to explain to me why, in the middle of the night, Emily sneaked into our bedroom before collapsing on her bed and crying so hard that she couldn't breathe? Why, when I called you come help me you didn't pick up? And then why, when Aria came over, and we finally calmed her down, the only words we got out of her were your name?" She looked at her incredulously, emphasizing every word with bitterness, "I called you again because we were worried about you. And all I got was your drunken ass on the other line muttering darkly about God knows what..." She shook her head, looking Spencer straight in the eyes, "I love you, Spencer, God I love you, but you can't pull crap like this." She paused and her tone softened. "What the hell happened?"<p>

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><p>"...and I don't know when, but at some point along the line I realized it." Emily finished, looking up sheepishly at Aria, who had sat and listened attentively, staying totally silent except for interjecting the occasional murmur of support or understanding in the right places, "I love her." She whispered, admitting aloud for the first time the truth that she supposed she'd known for years. "I love her," she laughed slightly, her voice cracking from the honesty, "I've fallen in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do." She bowed her head as she felt the force of her sobs shaking her body become to much, "What am I supposed to do?" She asked Aria in the voice of a frightened child. Aria swallowed hard. Keeping calm and thinking logically was always her strong suit, that was probably what had made Emily so obliging to open up to her, she brushed her fingertips against the taller girls cheeks, holding her face in her hands to procure their eye contact.<br>"First, you're going to take a deep breath," She whispered gently, breathing in time with Emily to slowly help her to calm down, "And then we're going to sit here," She encouraged, patting the seat beside her and taking Emily's hands to pull her towards her, "And you are going to cry on my shoulder for as long as you need to."

She wrapped her arms around Emily, pulling her long legs over her lap and letting her head rest on her shoulder, running her fingers through her long, dark hair, making soothing, shushing sounds until long after she fell asleep in her arms.

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><p>"I am so, so sorry Han..." Spencer sighed, feeling a scalding lump forming in her throat, Hanna closed her eyes and nodded, sitting down next to Spencer,<br>"I know you are," She said sincerely, appreciating how her best friend felt and starting to feel sorry for her, "And I'm sorry, about this morning...I was kind of a bitch." Spencer laughed and shook her head,  
>"It's cool, I deserved it...I was an ass." Spencer admitted,<br>"That you were." Hanna conceded, Spencer fake glared at her before they both giggled. As the silence fell, Spencer let her gaze drop back to her lap, slipping slowly into a deep, pensive state of mind. Exhaling deeply, she locked Hanna's penetratingly bright blue eyes onto her own dark ones, fiddling with the hem of her tank top.  
>"I really screwed up, huh?" She whispered, her voice catching on the tears that were evident in her throat, yet not in her eyes, Hanna raised her eyebrows,<br>"Well," she started carefully, "it might not be as bad as you think..." Spencer cocked her head to the said and Hanna nodded fervently, "You can't remember anything, and she won't talk...so who's to say that it's all on you? Sure, some of it probably is your fault...but Em has a lot going on, we all do; it's probably not as bad as I made out." She admitted sheepishly,  
>"It's okay Han, I deserved the verbal beating for the drinking alone." Spencer bit her lip, "But I hope you're right."<p>

The girls sat in a comfortable silence, both of them trying to organize their thoughts and neither of them finding themselves able to fathom out the recent events that had plagued them. Out of them all, Spencer was sure that she and Hanna had the most complicated friendship, but in a way that was what made her feel so comfortable around her. They understood each other in a way that the others couldn't, which probably came from their subtle similarities. Namely their blunt nature, but also their passion. Spencer's was most evident in her school work, her constant need to out do herself, to rise above her natural capabilities; but Hanna's was most conspicuous in terms of her friendships. She was fiercely loyal, and once she loved someone, she would do all that was in her power to protect them, even if that, paradoxically, entailed hurting them herself.

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><p>Emily cried softly. She remembered now. It had started all so calmly, with a phone call between friends, innocent banter and sweet conversation, an exercise for the tongue and not the mind. They'd been at it for hours, talking about everything and nothing, bouncing thoughts and feelings off of each other the way only best friends can, completely wrapped up in a utopia that appeared alien to the outside world, talking in a tongue of their own. Talking of life and love and loss, and then of love again. And of that kiss, the elephant in every room. The kiss that had ignited a fire between them that was so powerful it was impossible to ignore the flame.<p>

It was hard to remember now who had said what, but somewhere, in the sea of loneliness that they had both found themselves floating in...they found each other. One moment had lead to the next and Emily was in Spencer's bedroom, barely recalling the journey there or the plantation of the idea. But somewhere, within both of their minds, was sex. A mystery to both of them, but a step that seemed safest and most comfortable to take with the person who knew the other better than she knew herself. No talk of the consequences, or the repercussions of their actions, nor of the effects that it could have on their friendship that had taken years to build.

There was no awkwardness or shyness that many describe of their first time, no doubts or traces of uncertainty as they lay next to each other. There was nothing, not so much as a kiss as they let their fingers trace along each others skin, leaving in their wake a burning trail of desire. And then, as suddenly as the idea had been initiated and the confidence built, it shattered as the both of them had reached an equilibrium of desire and logic; suddenly painfully aware of the possibilities.

In just the same way as it had started, with neither girl knowing who had voiced it first, it was over. Words were screamed and tears were shed, hearts broken in the moments in between, the bitter taste of regret lingering on the palpable tension in the air- making the atmosphere too foggy to see clearly. Emily had left, the distance between them only increasing their fears.

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><p>"Spence?" Spencer looked up in surprise as she heard the voice coming from her doorway; turning around in her chair she mentally pinched herself to check that she was still awake,<p>

"Emily, hey." She smiled, awkwardly standing and walking towards her,  
>"I-I just came to say that...you know, I-I..." Emily stammered, Spencer rocked back and forth on her heels, debating whether or not to cut in with an apology- but to say what? <em>Emily, I'm sorry that i was an ass but I actually don't remember what happened and by the way I think I'm in love with you? <em>Yeah, that would be about as successful as an open top submarine. "Spence, I don't want to talk about last night. Ever again, for that matter, but, I had to see you. We never go a day without speaking and I just, yeah." Spencer nodded and smiled at Emily, for the first time in her life at a loss for words. Emily returned the smile and turned to leave, _Just do it, Em _that all too familiar voice in her head whispered. She bit her lip and screwed her face up in concentration, _What the hell?_She thought, surrendering to instinct and whirling back around, taking a few long and deliberate strides towards Spencer before grabbing her by the waist and pressing her lips against those of the girl she loved.

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><p>AN Hope you liked it :)

Remember Reviews=updates

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	4. Locked Hearts and Hand Grenades

Hey guys, who's ready for a Spemily scene? I mean a real love confession? I don't think I can put it off for much longer, so here we go...

Did everyone have a great A Day? Shocked that it was Mona?

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><p>"Emily?" Spencer whispered against her best friends lips as they pulled apart for breath, Emily opened her eyes and lifted them to Spencer's in response. "I'm glad you came back." Emily smiled, running her fingers through Spencer's hair, keeping one arm wrapped firmly around her waist.<br>"Stay with me tonight? I don't want to be alone right now." Spencer asked meekly, "More specifically, I don't want to be without you, tonight." Emily giggled, pulling on Spencer's hand to bring her closer. She leaned into the brunette's chest, allowing Spencer to wrap her arms around her. She squeezed back, hard, enjoying the comfort that she only ever found in Spencer herself.

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><p>"But Aria!" Hanna whined in a singsong voice, stressing each syllable of her name, "I'm bored." Aria tutted and held her phone away from her ear, rolling her eyes as she listened to her blond best friends complaints,<br>"Han, I really just don't feel like going anywhere, okay? Call Spencer or Emily. Or Mona," she suggested, "She's equally irritating." muttering the latter part although she didn't really care if Hanna heard her.

It wasn't that she didn't like Hanna, she just really wasn't in the mood for, well, anything really. All she wanted to do was lay in her bedroom wearing sweats and eating comfort food whilst flicking reminiscently through the book Ezra had given her on colleges. She needed the space to think. About Ezra, mainly...and Ali. Alison always crept into her thoughts at times like this, when she was feeling upset or merely pensive, she found herself thinking of her old best friend. It wasn't that she was dead that really bothered her, or how she died even, but what Aria really wanted to know was what she thought about. In the last few minutes of her life, who was with her in her thoughts? Who did she wish she'd gotten a chance to say goodbye to? And what did she regret?

"Can I ask you something?" she whispered after a few, long minutes of silence. The blond bit her lip on the end of the other line, nodding subconsciously before replying in a voice that was barely there,  
>"Anything."<p>

"What do you regret?" Hanna smiled a rye smile to herself, she had, in fact, asked herself this question millions of times, especially in the few days that had followed Alison's disappearance.  
>"You thinking about Ali?" She asked softly, avoiding the question skillfully.<br>"Yeah..." Aria hummed, tapping her fingers against the soft fabric of her name bracelet, the one that she had received from Alison herself. "Han?" she croaked through the threat of tears, "I changed my mind, will you come over?" the blond smiled, her car keys already in her hand.  
>"I'll be there in five."<p>

* * *

><p>"Do you want to borrow something to wear?" Spencer asked, crossing her bedroom towards her closet and deliberating for a second before pulling her top over her head and replacing it with an old field hockey T-shirt.<br>"That'd be great, thanks Spence." Emily nodded, smiling at the sight of Spencer's half naked body. Kicking off her jeans and throwing them in the laundry basket as she did, Spencer grabbed two pairs of shorts and a tank top for Emily. As she turned around she caught sight of Emily's eyes on her body, noting her best friends glossy eyes and small smile.

"Are you checking me out, Fields?" Spencer asked playfully, placing the clothes that she'd picked out for Emily on her bed before pulling on her own shorts.  
>"I am not." Emily denied, blushing furiously,<br>"You so were." Spencer giggled, "Admit it."  
>"Fine, I was...you just so happen to be pretty hot." Emily teased, removing both her jeans and shirt before reaching for the clothes that Spencer had laid out for her. Spencer reached out and grabbed them first, taking a few quick steps back from her best friend, her mouth twisting into her signature smirk. She raised an eyebrow,<br>"Pretty hot?" she teased, "I'm way more than that." Emily rolled her eyes,  
>"And oh so modest," she taunted, making a grab for her clothes.<p>

Spencer stepped back quickly, holding the clothes out behind her,  
>"Don't tease Em, or you'll be sleeping in your underwear...not that I would be opposed..." She warned, looking Emily up and down in mock contemplation.<br>"Perv." Emily giggled, placing her hands on her hips, "Spence, come on! This is so not fair."  
>"Au contraire," Spencer murmured, "I think this is quite fair." Emily smiled, moving forwards towards Spencer again, to her surprise, the brunette didn't move or fight her, but dropped the clothes to the floor and wrapped Emily in her arms.<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey best friend," Hanna whispered as she walked into Aria's room, dropping her bag on the bed and joining her best friend on the floor. She doesn't say anything but waits for Aria to open up to her. She's sat with her knees tucked up to her chest, clutching something in her hands, but Hanna can't see what it is. She reaches out and rests her hand on the dark hair girls thigh,<br>"It's okay to miss her Aria." she whispers, meeting Aria's tear filled eyes with her own. She nods slightly and turns the picture in her hands towards Hanna.

"Now that," the blond laughs, "Was a good day." she smiles down at the photograph of the five of them, taken the spring break before Alison went missing at Spencer's Lake house. There was something about the way they looked that just looked so...content. But so foreshadowing and revealing at the same time. In the picture Aria was sat crossed legged on the floor with Hanna, a bowl of popcorn between them, talking animatedly. Emily was sat at one end of the couch, with Spencer reading her book and resting her head in her lap. And Alison was sat on the back of the couch, above the rest of them- she was also the only one who seemed to be aware that the picture was being taken.

"I miss her too." Hanna whispered, more to the picture than to Aria. There was a long, yet not uncomfortable, silence between them as both girls lost themselves in the past. "You asked me what I regret most..." Hanna stated, resting her head on her best friends shoulder. "I regret not being honest. Not that I ever lied, not really...I just regret spending so much time trying to impress Alison; never saying anything that might be deemed as uncool just not of the right standard. I was always afraid that, one day, she'd get bored of us and just, you know, up and leave, like she did her friends before us. I was so worried about not fitting in that I never told her that she was my best friend, I thought she'd think I was lame or something...but I wish I'd told her how much she meant to me...and that I loved her."

Hanna had stopped talking to Aria a short way into her speech, it became less of an answer than a revelation; finally admitting to herself that, after all this time, Ali still got to her. That she still missed her.  
>"She knew," Aria spoke for the first time, placing her hand over Hanna's, "She knew."<p>

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><p>"When did you know?" Spencer asked as they lay in bed, wrapped up in each other the way they had always slept. Emily chuckled softly, twisting Spencer's hair around her fingers,<br>"That I was gay?" She asked thoughtfully, Spencer nodded, never moving her head form Emily's chest, "Well, I don't know...I knew I felt differently for Alison than I ever had for a boy, and then the same with Maya." She paused, looking affectionately at Spencer, "Does that answer your question, or do you want more?" Spencer closed her eyes momentarily, resisting the urge to tell Emily there and then how she felt.

"But when did you really know? Where does the line lie between looking at another girl and thinking that she's hot and actually wanting a relationship with a girl? How do you know? How can you tell? Especially if it's a friend, how are you supposed to distinguish between love and friendship? Between protectiveness and jealously?" Emily could feel the smaller girl becoming more and more worked up, frustrating herself through her inability to communicate what she really wanted to say; she gently ran her fingers across Spencer's back, varying her pressure over the girls pressure points in an attempt to relieve some of the tension in her body.

"I guess you never really have any kind of decisive moment when it comes to sexuality Spence," She started slowly, meticulously articulating her reply so as to leave out the inconvenient detail of her own interest in Spencer. "It's not all black and white; but to be honest, I don't think any of it matters. I think, that when you fall in love with someone, that you should fall for the person that you connect with most. The one, and only one, who makes your heart flutter with each touch, your head spin with each moment and heart break with each word. Whether that person's a boy or a girl shouldn't matter. And I think, that when you're ready, you should always tell that person, because you never know how other people really feel unless you put yourself out there- sure, you'll lose people along the way, but when you find that one...it'll all be worth it."

Spencer hummed in agreement against her chest, visibly comforted by Emily's words.  
>"You sleepy, Spence?" she whispered against her hair. With anybody else, Spencer would have found herself indignant at the tone that Emily used with her sometimes, which could easily be misconstrued as condescending and patronizing...but not with her.<p>

The comfort that Spencer found in Emily was that of which normally only a parent can administer to a child. The unconditional love and affection that stretches to an extent where both sides feel that they can be truly open with the other without any fear of losing them. That they can get angry and hurt, and that they can fight with them...but they'll never truly leave. The sort of love that Spencer had been denied as a child by her absentee parents, and the love that Emily had had snatched away from her when she opened up to her parents about her own sexual orientation, was what they provided each other with. What they were both afraid of losing.

"A little," Spencer admitted, Emily smiled down at her,  
>"You can sleep if you want to," she said, meeting Spencer's eyes. The brunette resumed her position before bolting upright, a blush forming on her cheeks.<br>"Sorry, Em, that's kind of a personal space invasion, isn't it? I'll move over to my side..." She muttered, becoming more flustered with each word. Emily laughed and rolled her eyes, gently reaching out and pulling Spencer back.

"It's no problem...I like having you that close." Emily reassured her, guiding her head back down onto her chest where Spencer gratefully relaxed, her legs entangled with Emily's as she felt the taller girl wrap her arms around her.

"That feels safe." She whispered into the emptiness of her bedroom. Her eyelids fluttered shut at the same rhythm as Emily's hand ran through her hair; never before had she felt so secure as she did when wrapped up in her best friend.

"I can't lose you." Spencer confessed, burying her face further into Emily's chest; "A's taken everything...but not you. Em, I need you..." She sobbed, "I need you."

They'd been friends for years and Emily had seen Spencer cry a thousand times, but never like this. This time felt different, like she was crying with all of the pain and regret that had been buried within her since before they'd even met, with each teardrop marking a tragedy of it's own. But that wasn't what hurt Emily- not the severity of her heartbreak, nor the force of her sobs...but the simple fact that she was crying over her.

"I need you...and I can't lose you." Spencer choked out between heart shattering cries, "But I have to tell you something."

"Whatever it is, Spence," Emily comforted, "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm your best friend, that's what I'm here for. And I'm here for you forever, I'm not going anywhere...I promise." Spencer felt Emily piece back together the fragments of her heart as she spoke.  
>"I'm never leaving you...ever." She reiterated softly, dipping her head down and placing a chaste kiss on her best friends soft, dark hair. "Tell me when you're ready, Spence."<p>

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><p>AN So, what did you think? There was a lot of fluff, I know, but this is really a filler chapter while I work on the next one...If I get more than six reviews for this, Emily and Spencer will tell each other how they feel in the next chapter; more than ten reviews and it will be M rated ;)

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	5. You Belong With Me

So, guys, first of all, many, many thanks to those who reviewed- A little overwhelmed at how quickly you did too. So, as promised, there will be an M rated scene in this chapter, although I don't know how M it will be as I've never attempted to write one before. Hope you like it :)

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><p>Chapter Five- You Belong With Me<p>

"Shh, Spence," Emily crooned into her best friends hair, holding Spencer tighter with every sob she emitted,  
>"I feel so stupid," Spencer sniffed, raising her head slightly in order to look at Emily, "I'm supposed to be the one to look after you." Emily ran her fingers gently through Spencer's long, curly hair, admiring how beautiful her best friend was, despite her tears.<br>"Don't be silly," Emily teased, "I love you just as much as you love me. If not more, so I'm therefore justified to look after you and the obligation is split." Spencer chuckled,  
>"You're starting to sound like me." She smiled, copious amounts of tears still running down her cheeks, Emily reached her hand out and wiped away Spencer's tears with the pad of her thumb.<p>

"Oh God," Emily groaned, "You're even witty when you're crying." Spencer laughed again. The dark haired girl smiled at the sound of her best friends laugh, catching Spencer's eye and making her giggle more. She hadn't heard Spencer laugh this much in forever, since before the Jenna thing, she thought. A conniving smile graced her full lips as she leaned over and dug her fingers into Spencer's ribs, tickling her mercilessly. The skinnier girl fell backwards, laughing raucously.  
>"Stop, stop," She begged, still giggling but pushing Emily's hands away from her. Emily smiled as the tension seemed to leave Spencer completely, and scooped the brunette up in her arms, laying back down with Spencer curled up beside her, their arms wrapped protectively around each other in the warmest of embraces.<p>

"Now, it's nice to see you smile but you know the rule." Emily whispered, tipping Spencer's chin up with her fingers, "Pretty girls aren't allowed to cry like that and not say why." Spencer felt her heart skip two beats. She didn't move- she couldn't move. "Hey, don't cry baby," she soothed, "I'm right here. You have nothing to worry about."  
>Spencer sat up slowly, locking her eyes dead on Emily's, hoping that the other girl could see her sincerity through her gaze, Emily smiled meekly, but she didn't pressure. That was one of the things that Spencer loved most about her, her patience.<p>

"That's just it, Emily." she croaked, her voice catching on the shattered pieces of her heart that were rising in her throat, "I have everything to worry about. What if you hate me?" she whispered, more to herself then to Emily.  
>"Spence, I could never hate you. I love you, remember? You're my Spencer!" Emily took both of Spencer's hands in hers and squeezed tight. Spencer closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing herself to confess to Emily what she'd hidden for so long.<p>

"And you're my Emily. Em, you're everything to me. And I don't think you know that and I don't know how else to say it anymore, because quite frankly, I don't think that there are enough words to say it. You're my inspiration Em, you're what keeps me going. When everything's gone dark, you're the light that breaks it up. When there's a storm raging around in my head, you're the rock that I cling to and you hold me steady. You're the one who makes me laugh when you know I'm about to cry. You know me even better than I know myself. You know my favorite songs, colors and poems; I tell you about my dreams and my fears...and everything that you know about me? I now it about you too. No-one could ever know you like I do, no-one's been there, watching you grow and change...but it's never changed between you and me, Emily. It's always been so...so natural, so easy. Like, everything's brighter when you're there, holding my hand. I've tried so hard to ignore it, not to want you like I do...but I have to tell you, and I know I can, because you're my best friend, Emily Fields, and you always will be.

"I have loved you in one way or another my whole life, Em. As a friend, a best friend, as a sister...and now I'm in love with you, Emily. I'm in love with you." She felt the warmth of her tears trickling down her neck and chest since she started talking, but it wasn't until she finished that she made any attempt to wipe them away. Her eyes were still tightly closed, afraid of what she might see if she opened them.

"Open your eyes, Spence." Emily breathed, letting go of Spencer's hands and cupping the back of her head.  
>"You're not leaving?" Spencer asked in amazement, looking at Emily with adoration,<br>"I could never leave you." Emily murmured, her lips mere millimeters away from Spencer's and her heart racing, "I am a little pissed at you though." she admitted, pulling back and looking seriously at Spencer,  
>"Oh God, this can't be happening..." Spencer groaned, fresh tears brimming in her eyes, magnifying her sorrow,<br>"I'm pissed because you stole my line." Emily grinned, pressing her lips against Spencer's in a heated embrace. "I'm in love with you, Spencer Hastings."

* * *

><p>"You want to know a secret?" Emily smiled against Spencer's lips before taking her bottom lip and running her tongue along it,<br>"Always," Spencer grinned at Emily, starting to place butterfly kisses along the length of her neck,  
>"I've fallen for you harder than I've ever fallen for anyone." Emily ran her hands thoughtfully along Spencer's well defined abdominal muscles,<br>"Then I promise that I'll catch you." Spencer swore, sealing their promise with a sweet, passionate kiss.

In a tangle of limbs Emily worked her hands to the hem of Spencer's T-Shirt, slowly pulling it up and over her head, admiring openly for the first time how amazing the other girls impressive physique. She kissed every inch of her neck gently, running her tongue along the glistening trails of fear where Spencer's tears had turned her body into a map of misconceptions and regrets, tasting the salty flavor of the other girls despair. She felt Spencer tentatively reach her hands inside of her tank top, caressing each line of definition on her muscular stomach as if she were memorizing every detail, when Spencer's hands met the delicate skin of her cleavage she shivered, all of her inhibitions and concerns leaving her body through the tremor of pleasure.

"Off." Spencer demanded, tugging impatiently on the thin barrier of cotton that kept her from her desire. Obligingly, Emily raised her arms and allowed Spencer to slide her out of it,  
>"God, you're beautiful." She whispered, before pulling her best friend down on top of her for the skin to skin contact that they both desperately needed. Spencer's flesh burned as she pressed against Emily, kissing her fiercely with the impatience of waiting for years to have her and the passion of never wanting to let her go. Slipping her tongue inside of the dark haired girls mouth, Spencer maneuvered herself so that she was laying directly on top of her, pushing her left leg in between both of Emily's.<p>

For a split second she wondered if she'd pushed her too far, if Emily wasn't as ready as she thought she was. She pulled back to read her best friends face for any sign of reservation. Although she had been reluctant to release Emily's tongue from the war that had begun between them, she was glad she had, not due to any regret or possible repercussions of their love, but for the sole purpose of seeing Emily.

Not just looking at her the way she had since they were children, but really _ seeing_ her, the fire of desperation and intense loyalty that burned in her eyes, the flames of passion dancing in an ocean of burnt sienna. Seeing the glow of her skin and the glistening waterfall of darkness that cascaded round her face and down her shoulders. When she looked at Emily, she saw all of the truth that she'd hidden from herself.

After what seemed like decades, Emily finally pulled Spencer back down, forcing her tongue in side of her mouth and raising her knees so that Spencer's thigh was pressed firmly against her throbbing center. Hastily, Emily unhooked Spencer's bra, silently thanking the genius who had invented french clasps, whilst fumbling with her own. As soon as the items had been discarded she wasted no time, laying Spencer down where she had been and kissing provocatively along the brunette's neck and collar bone, sinking her hands into her hair and teasing it sensually. She ran her tongue from her clavicle, between her breasts and down to the waistband of her shorts, which we riding dangerously low on her skinny hips. She paused, unsure of where to go for a second, before placing chaste kisses back up along the route she'd just followed, reaching her breasts for the second time.

Untangling her hands from the other girls brunette waves, she reached up and ran her thumbs across Spencer's, already erect, nipples, before taking the left one in her mouth. She caught the sensitive flesh between her front teeth and tugging on it playfully, causing Spencer to shiver and cry out in pleasure. She sucked hard for a second before moving west, licking the soft skin of her best friend's breast before biting down, hard.

Although they hadn't even moved south yet, Spencer could feel that she was dangerously close to coming, and she would be gone within seconds if Emily continued to tease her the way she was. Placing her hands strategically on the base of Emily's neck and the small of her back, Spencer pushed against the bed, flipping their positions over once again, determined to let Emily finish first. She palmed her full breasts, kissing her softly as she began to slowly grimd her knee against the other girls center, bewildered by the volume of wetness already soaking her shorts.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Spencer asked breathlessly against Emily's lips, smiling into their kiss,  
>"Spence," Emily moaned, "I have never...been so sure...of anything...in my...entire life." Emily struggled to speak against her heavy breathing, her words interrupted by pants of lust. She made a mental note to thank Spencer later for being so considerate, but right now, talking was the last thing on her mind.<br>"I love you." Spencer stated softly, moving a lock of hair from Emily's face so she could see her eyes again, "I promise I'll be gentle, I'm not going to hurt you."

She kissed every inch of her best friends body that she could see, slowly pulling down Emily's shorts and underwear as far as she could, leaving it up to Emily to decide how to get rid of them. She kicked off her own shorts too, kissing Emily's neck as she did. Emily gasped at the image of Spencer's body, sure, she'd seen her naked more times than she could count, but she'd never been allowed to look before. Spencer sucked hard on her pressure point, ensuring that, by the morning, Emily would have a mark to prove that she was hers. She met her best friends eyes again as she stroked her best friends sex, almost sending Emily over the edge at the sensation of her touch. When she thought she was ready, Spencer tenderly slipped a finger inside of her body, moving it at a steady pace, starting shallow so as not to hurt her best friend. She began thrusting deeper, adding a second finger and becoming painfully aroused herself as she did; as Emily started to scream her name, Spencer curled her fingers inside of her, scratching over her G-spot.

"Oh God," Emily moaned, "Spencer!" The brunette smirked, proud of herself and how well she seemed to be doing.

"Open your eyes, Em." She whispered, "I want to kiss you when you come." Emily obliged and opened her eyes, grabbing Spencer and flattening her naked body against her own, kissing her deeply. Spencer pressed her thumb hard against Emily's clit and curled her fingers one last time, feeling a surge of heat spread over her hand as Emily finally came. Continuing to kiss her best friend, she pumped her fingers in and out slowly, helping Emily to finish completely to full effect.

"How was I?" Spencer asked, her signature smirk gracing her lips, Emily grinned,  
>"Spence?" She asked playfully, pausing to bite on her bottom lip, "Stop talking." All vestiges of any sort of control that Spence had were thrown out of the proverbial window as Emily fiercely pushed her down onto the bed, climbing on top of her and straddling her waist, their most sensitive areas coming into contact for the first time, making Spencer's whole body quiver with anticipation.<p>

Emily grazed her lips against the smaller girls neck, whispering promises of the night, her voice thick with arousal, her fingers moving skillfully across the tops of her thighs. She trailed her index finger across Spencer's wetness, enjoying the way the other girls breath hitched as her hand traveled further inside of her, stroking her burning flesh. Spencer let out a sound, bordering somewhere between a whimper and a moan as Emily's fingers brushed over her center. The brunette closed her eyes as Emily started to toy with the bundle of nerves inside of her, she wanted to scream her name, to let Emily know how much she really, truly loved her, but she highly doubted her ability to form any coherent words at this point.

Spencer threw her head back against the pillow as her fingers began tracing small, incessant circles around her clit. Her mouth fell open, her erratic breathing speaking volumes; she knew she wouldn't last long, not with already being so close to release. Emily moved her fingers harder and faster and Spencer bit her lip so as not to shriek under her touch, she didn't want Emily to make her scream just yet.

When she opened her eyes, she found Emily staring at her intently, her eyes cloudy with lust and admiration. Spencer was panting heavily, gasping for air, trying desperately not to finish before Emily had even penetrated her. She knew exactly when to touch, where to touch, when to be gentle...she knew everything. She knew every single part of Spencer, and that's what she loved about her. Why she loved her.

She stopped the magic circles that were slowly but surely killing her and ran her finger down to Spencer's aching center, hovering over her opening for a few agonizing seconds before gently inserting her middle finger. The brunette threw her head forward, her forehead resting on Emily's shoulder trying her hardest to find the words to scream out exactly how much she loved what she was doing to her. She started a slow, rhythmic pump and Spencer raised her hips to meet Emily's hand thrust for thrust. She raised her free hand and tangled her fingers in Spencer's messy waves, gently massaging her scalp as she buried her face in the crook of Emily's neck, muffling the strangled moans that kept sneaking past her lips.

A stifled choking sound emitted from Spencer's throat as Emily added another finger to the mix and began to pump faster inside of her, teasing her thumb over her throbbing clit as she danced her fingers deep inside of her hitting that perfect spot over and over again. She squeezed her eyes shut and sunk her teeth into her neck, nearly sobbing as the tight coil in her lower stomach snapped and the unknown wave of pleasure coursed its way through her body.

She grasped frantically at the sheets, almost ripping through the Egyptian cotton bedspread with her fingernails, in need of something, anything to hold onto as the convulsions ripped through her, Emily's fingers still inside, pumping away, slower now but just as deep.

She continued to move inside of her until the aftershocks of her first orgasm had worn off and Spencer had stilled beside her. She gently removed her fingers, and Spencer released her death grip on her sheets as Emily dropped a gentle, loving kiss on her forehead, now glistening with a thin layer of sweat. She lifted her head from its resting place on Emily's shoulder and fluttered her eyes open to look at her, a delirious smile making its way onto her face. Emily grinned down at her, her dimples making Spencer melt in her arms, just as they always did.

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><p>Sooo...What did you guys think? Hopefully it wasn't too bad for a first attempt at an M rated scene?<p>

I think that's going to be a new rule, every time a chapter gets ten reviews, the next chapter gets an M rating, sound fair?

Let me know what you thought,

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	6. Somewhere Only We Know

Happy to announce the arrival of chapter six :)

This chapter is rather fluffy, but it does contain a little bit of Ali, which is always fun to write.

I think I'm going to dedicate this chapter to spinoza-off for the brilliant reviews, who's amazing stories you should be sure to check out, beautiful every time!

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><p>Chapter Six- Somewhere Only We Know<p>

"God, I could get used to this." Spencer sighed as she stretched, shaking off the remains of sleep infested in her muscles. Emily chuckled next to her, tucking a small strand of hair behind her ear, "Waking up next to you gives me that feeling, you know? The one you get when it's sunny outside, or when you're with your best friends, having a really great time? That's the feeling you give me, Emily Fields." Emily smiled and nodded,

"I know what you mean, Spence. You give me that summer feeling too. You wanna know what other type of feeling you give me?" She asked seductively, rolling over on top of Spencer and cupping her face in one hands, using the other one to trail across Spencer's torso, making the brunette shiver.

"Why don't you show me?" Spencer asked, kissing her best friend passionately, resting her hands on the small of her back to bring her closer. Emily giggled against Spencer's lips and deepened the kiss.

"Spencer?" A familiar voice called from the door, knocking once before pushing it open, "Spen-Oh my God." Aria's eyes widened in disbelief before she turned and walked out the door as quickly as she'd entered her cheeks turning pink and her head spinning with what she'd just witnessed. She leaned against the wall outside Spencer's bedroom. Actually, if she was perfectly honest, she couldn't pretend that it had never crossed her mind before. And she was happy for them, she thought they were perfect for each other. She just didn't expect to see _that. _

"Well, that clears up our problem of telling Aria." Spencer smirked dryly, standing up and pulling on one of her field hockey shirt and her underwear. Emily cradled her head in her hands, making no effort to move- to mortified to contemplate facing Aria at the moment. "Wow." Spencer smiled at her, "I think you've invented a new shade of red." The brunette laughed at her own comment, laughing even harder when Emily smacked her with a pillow.

"It's not funny Spence!" She moaned, "It's humiliating." Spencer rolled her eyes and ruffled Emily's hair.

"Ah you'll laugh about it one day." She sighed, "I'm going to go and speak to Aria, come down when you're ready babe." She instructed, kissing her sweetly on the forehead before bounding out of the room. Emily groaned and flopped back down onto Spencer's bed dramatically, wishing that the bed would swallow her up.

"Well, this is possibly the most awkward conversation that we'll ever have." Spencer stated, sidling sheepishly across the hall towards Aria,

"Just tell me that it's serious and you guys weren't drunk or anything?" The shorter girl sighed, Spencer looked at Aria with a mixture of hurt and horror, shaking her head slowly,

"Why the hell would you think that? Do you honestly think that we'd do that?" She questioned, trying hard to keep her voice from sounding accusative. Aria stood up straight, her eyebrows raised and eyes wide.

"God, no Spence, no I don't. So, she finally told you?" She asked with a secretive smile. Spencer's jaw dropped open, an astonished glare forming in her eyes.

"You knew?" She practically screamed, "And you didn't tell me?"

Aria shrugged,  
>"If you'd told me would you have wanted me to tell her?" She asked rhetorically, anticipating Spencer's response.<br>"I guess not, no." The brunette sighed heavily, "Well, why don't you go downstairs and hang out there while I get sorted out, and then when I'm done I'll come down and make breakfast?" Aria nodded in agreement and turned to leave, only to be cut off by the sound of Emily's voice.  
>"Actually, Spence, you go take a shower and I'll make breakfast?" She suggested, playing with the tips of Spencer's hair as they spoke.<br>"Sounds great, Em." Spencer agreed, kissing her cheek before walking back into her bedroom, stripping off her shirt as she did, not caring that Aria was still watching.  
>"Sorry," Emily apologized on behalf of Spencer, shaking her head but smiling all the same, "I've yet to house train her."<p>

"So, pancakes good with you?" Emily asked, pulling out the ingredients from Spencer's kitchen cupboards as she spoke. Aria hummed her agreement and pulled herself up onto a stool at the breakfast bar, resting her chin in her hands. She had a lot of questions to ask Emily, namely about how she'd told Spencer. And why? What had given her the final push towards telling her. But she knew that Emily would talk in her own time and she didn't want to pressure her into saying anything yet.

"Ooh, pancakes!" Hanna squealed from the doorway, slinging her jacket and purse across the couch and joining Aria at the breakfast bar.  
>"Hey Han," Spencer greeted as she sauntered into the kitchen. Ironically, Spencer looked less put together now than when she had just tumbled out of bed- she was dressed in boxers and a tank, which Emily was sure was actually hers, and her long dark hair was curling messily as it dried. "And hey beautiful," she whispered in Emily's ear, cupping her face in her hands and gently kissing her.<p>

"Spence!" Emily murmured, gesturing towards Hanna and blushing, "She doesn't know." Spencer smiled knowingly, turning to Hanna expectantly.  
>"She does now." She smiled at Emily. Hanna remained completely blank, picking up a magazine off of the counter and starting to flick through it. Emily looked from Spencer to Aria in disbelief, almost as if to confirm that they were seeing the same thing. Spencer cleared her throat- her lack of discretion making Emily laugh. Hanna acted nonchalant, aimlessly scanning the pages, seemingly unaware that all eyes in the room were on her.<p>

"Han?" Spencer finally snapped, Hanna looked up startled,  
>"What?" She asked innocently. Spencer gestured wildly with her hands, staring at Hanna incredulously.<br>"Are you blind?" The brunette asked sardonically. Hanna rolled her eyes, returning the same look to Spencer.  
>"Please, I'm not Jenna." She uttered dryly,<br>"Well then?" Spencer shrieked, quickly becoming more and more frustrated as their conversation continued.  
>"I saw." Hanna said simply, returning to reading. Spencer dramatically smacked herself in the face, sighing in exasperation.<br>"J'abandonne." She sighed, sinking down onto a bar stool. Noticing this, Hanna slowly closed her magazine and set it down on the counter,

"So what? You two kissed?" She asked them all, staring at first Spence, then Emily. "It's not like I didn't see it coming."  
>"So, you're okay with it?" Emily asked carefully, slipping her hand into Spencer's.<br>"Duh, why wouldn't I be. When you talk like best friends, argue like an old married couple, protect each other like siblings, flirt like your first love and look at each other like the other is everything in your world...it's totally meant to be. Whether you're the same sex or not."

Aria's mouth dropped open. Spencer cocked her head to the side and Emily squinted at her.  
>"What?" Hanna asked worriedly, "Do I have a zit or something?" Aria hook her head slowly,<br>"No, but that was really, really deep, Han." She murmured, "Are you feeling okay?" She raised her hand to the blond's forehead, pretending to check her for a fever.  
>"I just have one question," Hanna continued, a small smile forming on her lips as she asked it, aiming her gaze at Spencer, "What's the sex like?"<p>

* * *

><p>"I wish you could stay tonight." Spencer smiled against Emily's lips once six o'clock came. Ms. Marin wanted Hanna and Emily home for dinner by a quarter past, but Spencer didn't really mind.<br>"Me too," Emily grinned, placing a loving yet chaste kiss on Spencer's lips. "But I think Hanna would be quite bored without me; and I don't really trust her on her own sometimes." Spencer laughed loudly causing Emily to smile. "You should hang out with Aria though." She suggested, "See if she can sleep over?" Spencer nodded and pulled Emily into her chest.  
>"I think I might," She agreed. A long moment of silence passed between them before either of them spoke again,<br>"I'll miss you." Emily confessed, making Spencer chuckle.  
>"I'll miss you too, but try not to. Have a good night, pretty girl." She said as she let her go, kissing her temple gently. Emily turned and followed Hanna through the door, waving goodnight to Spencer and Aria as she did.<p>

"You want to hang out tonight?" Aria asked, climbing the stairs up to Spencer's room just behind the brunette.  
>"Sure," Spencer nodded, "It's been a while since I've seen you alone." She flopped back onto her bed beside Aria.<br>"What do you want to do?" The shorter girl asked,  
>"Honestly, I don't mind." Spencer replied, "Sorry, I'll be more helpful in a moment, I just have to send a text really fast." Aria nodded and sat patiently, waiting.<p>

**I just realized that I forgot to tell you how much I love you before you left. Enjoy your night with Han, I'll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams gorgeous. -xoxo Spence**

"Okay," She smiled. "Now we can have fun."

* * *

><p>"So, if that's your best memory of Ali...what's you worst?" Hanna asked Emily after she'd finished telling her about their kiss in the library. The blond was touched that Emily was being so honest with her about everything tonight and made a mental note to inquire about last night between her and Spencer when they were finished with this topic. Not that she expected any particularly dirty details, she could procure them from Spencer later.<p>

Emily paled slightly,obviously replaying painful memories.  
>"You don't have to tell me Em," Hanna countered quickly, "I'm sorry." Emily shook her head,<br>"It's fine," She stated, taking a deep breath. "Hanna, I lied." Her bottom lip started to tremble, almost as if it didn't believe that she was telling Hanna this. The blond nodded, stroking Emily's hand with her thumb, "Last night...with Spencer..." She stammered in between labored breaths, "It wasn't my...someone...someone did it before."

_Alison flicked her long blond hair over her shoulder and sighed into the darkness of Emily's bedroom. The five of them had spent the evening watching horror movies and were now far too scared to sleep, not that Spencer or Ali would admit it. _  
><em>"If I ever died like that," The blond thought out loud, "You guys had better not forget me." Spencer rolled her eyes, flicking a piece of popcorn in Alison's direction. <em>  
><em>"We couldn't. You'd haunt us." She replied dryly. Ali glared at Spencer, throwing the popcorn back before snuggling down into Emily's chest, lacing their fingers together suggestively.<br>_"_If I did, die that is, I want you guys to honor me. Every month, at least. I'd want the four of you to spend the day doing what I'd want you to. Just remember that."_  
><em>"You'd miss me, wouldn't you Em?" She murmured seductively. Emily stiffened and nodded slightly, managing to squeak out some form of response that resembled a 'yes'.<br>"Geez, Em, uptight much?" She moaned, loud enough for the others to hear. Aria and Hanna glanced uncomfortably at each other before muttering something about getting a drink and swiftly leaving the awkward silence behind them._

_Spencer glowered at Alison before looking carefully at Emily. She had a soft spot for Emily over the others, especially Alison, which the blond mercilessly tormented her about. Ali relentlessly teased her about her crush on their best friend- which she didn't have. But it did rile her up to see Alison lolling all over Emily, especially when she knew how much the dark haired girl cared for their ringleader. She knew that Alison couldn't possibly return her feelings, and she didn't resent her for that- after all, you can't help who you love- but she hated the way Alison played with her; how she manipulated her more than the others because she had a stronger hold on her._

_"Leave her alone Ali, she's not uptight. The movies just probably got to her, that's all." The brunette locked her defiant gaze on that of the blond's in a command, blindly finding the hand of Emily's that Alison had let go moments before and squeezing it lightly.  
>"No, I'm sorry. You're uptight Spence, Em's just a prude." Ali snarled back at Spencer.<br>"Seriously Ali, you are way out of line. Just back off." Spencer snapped as Hanna and Aria re-entered the room._

_The girls had gone to sleep not long after, the tension in the room between Spencer and Alison becoming to palpable for them to pretend everything was normal. After an awkward  
>argument over who got to share a bed with Emily between the two of them, Spencer had settled down on the floor next to Aria, think whilst everyone else slept.<em>

_"Em," Alison whispered in the darkness, "Em, wake up." Emily groaned in her sleep, rolling over towards Alison and opening her eyes sleepily.  
>"What?" She mumbled incoherently, "I'm tired." Alison didn't respond but started moving her hands lightly up and down Emily's sides, moving her fingers provocatively across her lower abs. "Ali? W-what are you d-doing?" She stuttered, wide awake now at Alison's fiery touch. Alison laughed softly, pressing her finger to Emily's lips.<br>"Shh," She commanded, only to be met with a look of fear as she moved her right hand lower to the waist band of Emily's shorts, slipping it inside and playing with the hem of her underwear. "What?" She moaned exasperatedly, eyeing Emily with an air of intimidation. "You're not a prude are you?" She patronized. Emily swallowed hard and bit her lip, looking anywhere but at Alison as she shook her head, letting Alison do as she pleased, like she always did._

"Woah." Hanna gasped before she could stop herself. "Ali was such a bitch." She smiled reassuringly, realizing that she wasn't helping the situation.  
>"But...I lied to Spence. I told her..." Emily sobbed, "I told her that she was my first." The blond sighed, wiping Emily's eyes.<br>"She was. What Ali did doesn't count. She didn't take your virginity unless you want her to have done." Emily relaxed into Hanna's arms, her best friends words calming her visibly.  
>"What if she hates me?" She croaked through the remnants of tears. Hanna laughed loudly,<br>"Em, Spencer has had a crush on you for forever. I've always seen it there. That's not going to change." She assured her, noticing the taller girls cell phone flashing on the nightstand. "You have a message." She informed her, passing her the phone and watching Emily smile as she read it. "What does it say?"

Emily grinned as she closed her cell, filled with relief and hope- almost embarrassed to have thought what she had a moment ago.  
>"It says it's all going to be alright." She answered simply, staring at Hanna, "Spencer and I will be alright."<p> 


	7. Yours To Hold

Chapter Seven's up and entirely Spemily...it's not as dramatic of a chapter as I would have liked, but I hope you like it...If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know, they'd be very welcome :)

* * *

><p>Chapter Seven- Yours To Hold<p>

_"Spencer Hastings," The thin brunette girl declared, extending her hand to the girl in front of her, the taller girl giggled,  
><em>"_Hi," She responded shyly, "I'm Emily." Spencer nodded and smiled,  
><em>_"I know," Spencer assured her, "I've watched you swim." She said matter-of-factly, looking Emily up and down, "You're good."_

_"She knows who you are too, Spencer." A blond girl informed her, "She's just too polite to say." The blond continued past before either of them could say anything else to her, leaving them alone again.  
>"How do you know me?" Spencer inquired curiously, her attention fixed on the Filipino girl in front of her, Emily giggled again and looked away shyly.<br>"Everyone knows you." She smiled awkwardly, Spencer laughed a little, enjoying the attention but genuinely intrigued by the girl in question.  
>"I guess I do do a lot of stuff around school," The brunette thought aloud. Emily nodded,<br>"That you do." She agreed. Spencer raised her eyebrows at the girl's sudden burst in confidence,  
>"At least I'm not totally meretricious like that one." She smirked, pointing at the blond who'd approached them earlier across the classroom. Emily didn't like to admit that she hadn't got a clue what Spencer's description of the girl meant and made a note to look it up later,<br>__"What?" She asked, "Alison?" Spencer nodded, watching with Emily as Alison DiLaurentis flipped her long blond hair over her shoulder. It had always reminded Emily of a Disney Princess' hair, any of them- Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, or even Rapunzel. The only 'princess' she could be was Pocahontas._

_"She's popular, but I'm willing to bet there's not much there." She said suggestively, raising her eyebrows again and giving Emily the same smirk that she'd already seen four times throughout their short conversation,  
>"What if you're wrong?" Emily asked, sitting down at the desk beside Spencer. Initially, when she'd seen that her assigned seat was next to Spencer Hastings in the front row, her heart had sunk- but now it looked like English may shape up nicely for ninth grade after all.<br>"Then it gets worse," She replied mysteriously, looking up to check that no-one was listening, even though Emily got the impression that even if Alison herself were listening, Spencer wouldn't really care too much. "Because that means that she actually has potential and is just hiding it under a superficial facade of ignorance in order to make herself more appealing to the lesser endowed specimen of teenagers and procure a suitably high place in the social hierarchy." She stated conclusively, pulling out three books from her satchel and arranging them in size order and her desk before placing beside her a legal looking notebook of crisp, yellow lined paper and a black pen._

_Emily looked at her in disbelief, feeling a little intimidated and inferior as she rummaged in her backpack for her own books, pen and paper and then signed her name in the top corner of her paper, glancing over at Spencer's and, as she had expected, seeing her perfect writing that made Emily's look childlike. Perfect. _

* * *

><p>"Spence?" Emily asked from her place in Spencer's bedroom, where they'd been sitting for the past few hours,<br>"Hmm?" Spencer replied, looking up from the essay she was writing and smiling at Emily,  
>"What does meretricious mean?"<br>"It means something that's pretty, but ultimately has no value and is therefore deemed useless." She answered giving Emily an adoring, yet questioning look. "Would you like me to use it in a sentence?" She offered, Emily chuckled to herself,  
>"It's alright, you already did." She replied happily, suppressing a giggle as she thought about the first time they'd ever spoken. Spencer looked slightly confused, returning to her laptop and continuing to write for a few minutes as silence lapsed over the girls again. She shook her head, closing her laptop and sitting up straight.<br>"Alright," She addressed Emily, "I wasn't going to ask, but it's bugging me. When?" Emily laughed and closed her book, meeting Spencer's eye and feeling butterflies fill her stomach- they were strong butterflies, but the good kind.  
>"The first time we ever spoke." Spencer gazed at Emily in bewilderment, replaying the scene of and over in her head as she thought.<br>"And you remembered?" She asked in amazement. Emily nodded, blushing a little and bowing her head.  
>"I was just thinking about it, that's all." She paused, "Can I ask you something?" Spencer shook her head yes, her facial expression changing from elated to concern as Emily's tone sobered.<p>

"Of course," She assured her, biting her lip thoughtfully. Emily closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. Spencer observed her carefully, taking in her nervous demeanor- as she did, she was hit by a flicker of a memory. She smiled as she stood, crossed the room and dimmed the lights so far that they were barely there anymore. She watched carefully for Emily's reaction as she climbed back onto her bed, across the room from where Emily was sitting in her armchair.  
>"Why did you do that, Spence?" She asked softly, still breathing deeply.<br>"Because you prefer to talk about serious things when it's dark." Spencer confided knowingly. Emily looked at Spencer long and hard, her eyes burning with admiration. She was touched- and overwhelmed at just how much Spencer knew about her.  
>"How do you know that Spence?" She asked quietly, more to herself than to Spencer- taking in just how well they knew each other and how in love they'd fallen for the first time.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Wow," Spencer sighed happily, laying back in her sleeping bag and tucking her hands behind her head, "This is what a real sleepover's like?" Emily gasped,<br>__"You've never slept over at another girls house before?" She gaped. Spencer Hastings-President of every school club, captain of every team...had never been invited to a sleepover? _

_Spencer shook her head and laughed,  
><em>_"It's true, I've never really had friends like this before," She confessed, "I've always wanted them though. Like a real best friend." Now Emily wasn't sure if Spencer was even talking to her, or just trying to organize her thoughts- thoughts that sounded a lot like Emily's own. Her eyes lit up and she was glad of the darkness,  
><em>_"Me too!" She whispered excitedly, sitting up and feeling an in-explainable shiver shoot up her spine. "Like you see in movies. The kind that you're always with, when you can do everything. Real girl stuff- shopping together, going to the movies, and sleepovers. Lots of sleepovers." She mused. Spencer chuckled, sitting up and facing Emily,"I know exactly what you mean," She grinned, "The girl you can tell everything to. Even your darkest secrets." She whispered, "I need a friend like that." She unzipped her sleeping bag slowly, trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the other girls sleeping in Alison's bedroom. She crawled across the floor and sat on the soft fabric of Emily's own sleeping bag,  
>"Me too." She confided, feeling strangely at ease around Spencer. <em>

_"Sorry," Spencer whispered, gesturing to her empty sleeping bag as she spoke, suddenly feeling as though she owed Emily an explanation as to why she was sitting so close, after all, she'd never experienced a situation like this before and wasn't sure what the protocol was. "I couldn't hear you properly over there, and if we talked louder then we might wake the others, and I'm enjoying just talking to you." She informed her shyly. There was a slightly awkward pause as they looked away from each other, followed by a shared giggle as their gazes met once more. Spencer hugged herself tightly, running her hands up and down her arms and looking down at her bare legs that were already covered in goosebumps. _

_"Here," Emily suggested, noticing how cold Spencer was and opening her own sleeping bag a little, "Get in." Spencer looked at her for conformation, momentarily shocked by Emily's compassion before she climbed in next to her. "It was my dad's sleeping bag, he's in the army." Emily told her, explaining the size.  
><em>_"So, what do you talk to other girls about?" Spencer asked, blushing a little, "I mean, like, I've heard the terms 'girl talk' and 'best friend talk' but I don't get it, where's the difference? What do you tell them?" Emily giggled. She realized that the intimidation she'd felt from Spencer the first time they'd met had been stupid, she was book smart- but socially Emily seemed to have more experience.  
><em>_"Everything!" Emily squealed, her legs brushing against Spencer's in the confined conditions of the sleeping bag.  
>"Everything?" Spencer asked apprehensively, crinkling her nose. "Like everything, everything?" Emily rolled her eyes,<br>"Yes everything, everything." She mocked, enjoying having the upper and in terms of knowledge now- sure, she'd never had a proper best friend, but she'd had close friends before. "God, how have you gone through life without friends?" She asked incredulously, only to receive a playful smack on the shoulder from her newest friend._

_"I've had friends, Em." Spencer retaliated. Emily's heart skipped a beat at the nickname, no-one ever called her that- she liked it, especially when said by the brunette in front of her."You know what I mean," Emily argued, "But without close friends." Spencer shrugged. "Who did you tell when you got your first period?" She asked, meeting Spencer's eyes for a second but then looking away, wondering if she shouldn't have said that, her moment of boldness dissipating as quickly as it had started. Spencer just laughed,  
>"My mom." She admitted, "Okay, so I get the point, it would have been good to talk to someone." She admitted, looking down at the hem of the sleeping bag, "Someone like you." <em>

_Emily swallowed hard, deeply touched by the honesty Spencer was showing her.  
>"How about you? Your first kiss?" Spencer asked, reveling in the new experience of talking to, who she assumed was, her new best friend- and deciding that, although she had been rather reluctant to come, she liked sleepovers. A lot.<em>

_Emily blushed furiously, suddenly looking shy and awkward.  
>"I haven't had it yet." She mumbled, visibly embarrassed,<br>"Me neither!" Spencer practically squealed, "I thought I was the only one!" _

_Their conversation progressed, becoming deeper and deeper, moving from the topic of their bodies and hang ups, mainly Spencer's crooked nose, to boys and then delving deeper, into issues that they'd normally stay far away from, not just with each other but with everyone- their families...their fears.  
><em>

_"It's always so much easier to talk in the darkness." Emily whispered. Spencer nodded, her voice hoarse from keeping it so low and talking so much. "I like talking to you." It was funny how different everything was at night. She'd have never had said something so cheesy or childlike normally, for fear of seeming lame and dorky. But she didn't think Spencer would judge her anyhow.  
>"I think you're the best friend I've ever had." Spencer divulged.<br>"You too." Emily agreed, nodding quickly. She tried to stop herself from yawning, but she couldn't help it.  
>"Someone's tired." Spencer giggled shortly before yawning herself.<br>"Someone else is too," Emily teased. Spencer shifted uncomfortably,  
>"Do you want me to go back to my own bed?" She whispered awkwardly, truthfully, she was more content laying next to Emily- but she wasn't sure if that would be deemed weird. Emily smiled weakly,<br>"If it's alright with you," She started, Spencer nodded, starting to unzip the sleeping bag to let herself out, trying to hide her disappointment. "I'd rather you stayed here." She admitted. Spencer grinned,  
>"Goodnight, Emily." She wished her, on impulse leaning forward to kiss her cheek, something that she'd never done before and surprising herself with the action more than she surprised Emily.<br>"Goodnight, Spencer." Emily replied, mimicking Spencer and pecking the other girls cheek before cuddling down next to her before drifting off to sleep._

* * *

><p>"You told me, once upon a time." She replied coyly. "Now, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" Emily sighed nervously,<br>"Spence..." She began, receiving a reassuring murmur in reply, encouraging her to continue. "If you'd not been completely honest with someone about something because you thought it might hurt them if you were, but you were scared that if you didn't it would be classed as lying to them, and you really loved this person- really, really, loved them- but you know that it's a big deal to you and even though it's kind of not as bad as it may seem because you know how you feel about it, that it might hurt them and if they don't see it the way you see it...you might lose them, and you couldn't do that..." She rambled, starting calmly and becoming increasing frustrated. "What would you do?"

Spencer sat and listened carefully, not interjecting her opinion at all. She hummed in thought as she pondered her answer, phrasing it carefully.  
>"Well, it would depend on the issue." She concluded diplomatically, "But, it doesn't really matter what I'd do as I seem to get the impression that this is more about what you'd do, am I right?" She asked, her eyes fixed on Emily who bit her lip and nodded.<p>

"In that case, assuming that the other person is me," She questioned, quickly catching Emily's eyes for conformation, "I would say that you can always tell me anything...but if you don't want to tell me, then I won't make you. I trust you on your judgment, Em." She spoke slowly and clearly, her tone comforting and reassuring, yet containing a businesslike quality that always seemed to be most prominent when she was giving advice.

Emily nodded calmly.  
>"I slept with Alison." She blurted out into the silence, taking a few deep, shaking breaths before elaborating, explaining the whole memory in depth. Again, Spencer stayed silent, letting Emily vent to her everything that she needed to, adopting the best friend role in their relationship, rather than the girlfriend character. "I lied, Spence...you weren't my first. And I'm so, so sorry. I wish it were you. I wanted it to be you." She bawled, letting go and losing herself in the fear of losing Spencer.<p>

Spencer's heart melted as she heard Emily cry, she grimaced, more furious with Alison now than she had ever been with anyone in her entire life. Inhaling deeply so as to ensure none of her bitterness came across to Emily, she steadied herself and stood up, slowly crossing the room and taking Emily's hands in her own. She guided Emily to her bed and sat her down before sitting herself opposite, crossing her legs in the lotus position, touching her knees against Emily's.

"Firstly, thank you," She whispered, tucking her hand under Emily's chin to make sure that she could keep eye contact, "For telling me. However," She sighed, deliberating over how to continue without alarming her best friend. Emily's eyes opened wide fearfully, "I don't think you lost your virginity to her- not if you don't want to have done." Emily met her eyes with a cross between relief and uncertainty, Spencer shook her head, reiterating her point, "No, I think you had your first sexual experience with Ali. But that's not important, Em. I want you to understand, that to me, our first time was special for so many more reasons than losing our virginity. Okay?" She asked, her voice emitting a certain tenderness that she reserved especially for the girl in front of her.

"You're not mad?" Emily squeaked weakly, her voice shaking,  
>"Oh don't get me wrong, I'm furious." Spencer professed quickly, her voice returning to it's usual dry tone, "But not with you." She added, gently scooping Emily up into her arms and rocking her subtly. "Not with you." She repeated reassuringly as she rubbed Emily's back, enjoying the comfort that she always felt from any kind of contact with the girl that she loved. Emily's breathing regulated more and more with each touch from Spencer, she buried her face deep into the crook of the brunettes neck, inhaling, and thriving off of, the scent of safety.<p>

"I'm madder with Alison now than I ever was with her when she was alive." Spencer growled, her teeth gritted in rage. Emily had _trusted _Alison- she'd been her friend, her best friend. And she'd betrayed her. More than that, she'd _abused _her, taking advantage of her feelings and stealing from her something that she could never get back. She felt Emily whimper in to her chest and instantly became almost as furious with herself as she was with Ali.

"Emmy, look at me?" She coaxed, kissing Emily's temple lightly as she raised her head from it's resting place on Spencer's shoulder, "I have something, something I wanted to talk to you about before you told me about Ali," Emily wiped her eyes and sat up- feeling stronger now, almost as if Spencer had transferred her strength to Emily as she began to let her guard down allowing her best friend to protect her in the way she had done minutes before.

"We've been, you know, this for the past week now," Spencer opened, motioning with her hands to indicate the new physicality to their relationship, "And we haven't talked about it. What it means, not really."

Emily felt as though she'd been punched in the gut...hard. She bit her lip, a migraine beginning to spread from her eyes and deeper into her brain as she mulled over Spencer's ambiguous statement, trying to ascertain the tone of the conversation, trying to pretend it wasn't as grave as it sounded.

"I know Spence, we do need to talk about it. I mean, if it's as serious as it feels then we can't, I don't want to, never mind." Emily babbled. Spencer's cheeks reddened, as sure sign that she was close to tears,  
>"What?" She managed to squeak in something that resembled coherent speech,<br>"Spence...You know how I feel about hiding in closets." Emily hinted, hoping Spencer would get her drift before she had to say it. To her surprise, Spencer's face flooded with relief as she let out a breath that she'd been holding since Emily had taken the reigns of their conversation,  
>"Will you be my girlfriend?" Spencer exclaimed, cutting Emily off as she opened her mouth to speak, not bearing to hear anything else. "Officially?" She sighed in explanation,<br>"If you come out to your parents?" Emily challenged tauntingly, the glimmer in her eyes having an adverse effect on any kind of menace that her voice implied.  
>"For you?" Spencer asked, sneering a little and turning her nose up- looking Emily up and down. She continued the charade for as long as she could, finally losing all control in Emily's eyes and beaming broadly, "Anything." Spencer vowed against Emily's lips, kissing her chastely between each syllable.<p>

* * *

><p>Satisfactory? God, I hope so...Sorry there's been a distinct lack of drama lately, not my usual style but, without A, I'm struggling to think of what should be written next?<p>

Reviews are appreciated more than you could imagine :)

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	8. Live For The Little Things

Chapter Eight is up!

Fluffy? Yes. Cute? Probably. May lead to a little drama? God, I hope so...I miss the drama, as much as I love fluff.

* * *

><p>Chapter Eight- Live For The Little Things<p>

"What are you doing?" Spencer chuckled endearingly, rolling her eyes at her best friend, girlfriend, she corrected herself with a smile.  
>"Making a memory." Emily replied sweetly, inhaling deeply and grinning, "In fifty years time, I'll be able to tell our grandchildren that on our first date, your car smelled like peppermint and coffee, and that you wore your hair clipped up off of your face, which looks really pretty by the way." Spencer rolled her eyes, flattered by the comment but deeply amused in general,<br>"You're so goofy." She mused, "And my car always smells of coffee."

"Actually, Spence," Hanna called from the back seat, "You always smell of coffee, not just your car." Spencer scowled,  
>"Em, when we're telling that story to our grandkids, be sure to remind me to throw in the detail of how our first date was corrupted by Hanna's presence." Emily ruffled her hair,<br>"Don't pretend that you don't love her." She scolded, "And this isn't really our first date, it's just our first proper outing as a couple."  
>"See?" Hanna asked smugly, sticking her tongue out at Spencer.<p>

"Stop bickering," Aria warned, "Or Emily and I will go ahead and the two of you can bond on the long walk back to Rosewood." Spencer glared deliberately at Hanna in the rearview mirror, but the two of them fell silent nonetheless.  
>"Can we listen to my CD?" Hanna asked hopefully, thrusting the disc forward between Spencer and Emily,<br>"That depends on what it is." Spencer informed her cryptically,  
>"I knew the silence was too good to be true." Aria groaned.<br>"Put it in and find out." Hanna shot back at Spencer,  
>"Hanna, a question," Emily began, turning around, "Do you have to practice at the art of frustrating Spencer, or does it come naturally to you?" Hanna laughed and tapped her nose knowingly,<br>"Now we're on the subject, how does Spencer make you naturally come?" Hanna quipped, turning the question around on Emily and making her blush.  
>Spencer herself, however, smirked at the innuendo,<br>"Wouldn't you like to know, Hanna." Spencer laughed dryly.  
>"Hanna may like to know, but I, on the other hand, do not." Aria assured them, sensing Emily's discomfort at the topic.<p>

* * *

><p>"This is so cool!" Hanna squealed as the climbed out of the car,<br>"I have to agree with you there." Spencer nodded, surveying the exterior of the water park,  
>"Worth getting up so early now?" Emily asked rhetorically, nudging Hanna in the ribs- the girls had all slept at Hanna and Emily's the night before in order to be on the road by five, making it to the waterpark at exactly nine am.<br>"Absolutely." She grinned.  
>"Great, we have until eight pm here, a hotel room booked over night and a four hour drive home tomorrow." Aria stated, feeling the need to clarify all the details at an early stage before either Hanna or Spencer could alter them.<br>"Perfect." Hanna agreed, stripping off her shirt and handing it to Spencer, "Put this in your back pack?" Spencer crinkled her nose in disgust, shaking her head with despair.  
>"Honestly, Han, I don't think the rule 'no street clothes allowed' applies to the parking lot." She threw the top back in Hanna's direction, "Just keep it until we get to the lockers inside."<p>

Once inside the park the four of them stripped down to their bikini tops and shorts, beginning a battle to fit everything into one locker,  
>"Now," Spencer began patronizingly, turning to Hanna, "Your cell phone is in the locker, so if you get lost, you won't be able to call us. If this happens-" she taunted, only to be cut of by a playfull smack round the head from Emily,<br>"Stop antagonizing her, or you'll go and wait in the car." She chided.  
>"Sunscreen." Aria called out, rummaging in her oversize bag,<br>"Oh yeah," Spencer agreed, reaching out her hand for Aria to squirt some on her palm,  
>"Han, you should really put some on, it's over ninety degrees today." Spencer advised her, rubbing the thick white liquid across her abdomen,<br>"Ew, and look all ghostly and pale? No thanks." Hanna retorted,  
>"Pale for ten minutes today, or red and peeling for the next week?" Spencer proposed, knowing that, at least to anyone with an ounce of logic, it was a no brainer,<br>"And Han, you're already pale. You're Caucasian." Emily pointed out, Hanna stuck her tongue out.  
>"Why do you care anyway?" She asked irritably, shaking her head intransijently as Aria offered her the bottle,<br>"Because your our best friend and we care about your health?" Aria reasoned, ignoring Hanna's protests completely and proceding to massage the substance onto the blond's back,  
>"Speak for yourself," Spencer muttered to Aria, "I just don't want to have to listen to you bitch about being sunburnt all week."<br>"Alright then," Aria said loudly, effectively quelling whatever was brewing between Hanna and Spencer, slamming the locker shut and fastening the key around her wrist, "Let's go." She motioned towards the park, looping her arm through Hanna's, whose pretty face had adorned, what seemed to be, a permanent scowl.

* * *

><p>"Alright, one, two, three, four," The ride attendant counting waving each of them past and pointing to a thin wooden boat that rose above the stairs, that they had been queuing on for the past hour, by about three feet. "We need one of you to sit up front,and the rest of you, climb in behind her." All four looked equally apprehensive; it was the biggest ride in the water park and even Spencer was beginning to get cold feet. "So, who's bravest?" The man in the blue uniform asked, chuckling at the girls reactions.<p>

"Spencer is." Hanna replied, nudging her forward. Spencer shook her head wildly and jumped back, petrified of being too close to the edge,seven or  
>"If you sit up front, I'll sit behind you." Emily whispered suggestively in her ear, wrapping her arms around Spencer's bare torso and letting her fingers play covertly with the button on her shorts.<br>"I'll go first." Spencer choked, shivering at Emily's touch.

She clambered in, fully aware of Emily's eyes on her scantily clad body the whole time,  
>"Great," The worker beamed, leaning over her, "Place your feet here, and grip tightly to this handle bar." He instructed firmly, "Whatever you do: do not let go." Spencer gulped; instead of reassuring her, safety precautions always made her worry that her fear wasn't as irrational as she hoped.<p>

"Hey," Emily whispered in her ear as she slipped behind Spencer, her legs either side of her hips and her arms wrapped around her upper body, hands resting comfortably in a way that Spencer liked a little too much. As soon as Hanna and Aria had taken their places, the platform began to climb, tipping slightly as it did. When it had reached it's full extent, of at least six or seven feet, in Aria's opinion- as she was the only girl to brave a glance down- the platform bucked violently, quickly reaching what Hanna argued to be, a vertical drop.

"Don't let go of the bar!" The ride attendant called out after them, chuckling to himself at the sounds of their screams. Emily felt Hanna's knees grip her thighs with immense force as they were plunged, vertically, into blackness. The boat steadied itself, floating peacefully along on the calm waves, lulling the girls into a full sense of security. Spencer craned her neck forward in an attempt to see what was coming next, which proved fruitless, nonetheless.

The boat lost ground and plummeted downwards, only to be met by a whirlpool of rapids, throwing them from side to side. Emily gritted her teeth, Hanna screamed and Aria dug her fingernails into the blond's stomach. But not Spencer. The ride reminded her of life; each up and down representing her emotions and every unexpected twist and turn that she couldn't control. The ride was her life- but at least, here, she could get off.

* * *

><p>"You having fun, Fields?" Spencer asked as she wandered across the stretch of fake beach towards her girlfriend, towel drying her long, dark hair as she did,<br>"Hell yes, Hastings." She giggled, pulling the brunette into her lap, "Are you?"  
>"Yeah," Spencer sighed contentedly, resting her head on Emily's shoulder. They lay in that position, arms wrapped around each other under the burning sun until they were both completely dry, well, at least in one sense of the term.<p>

"Wait, where are Aria and Hanna?" Spencer asked suddenly sitting up and looking around questioningly,  
>"I have no idea," Emily giggled,<br>"Poor Aria." Spencer said sympathetically, "All alone with Hanna..." Emily smacked her gently,  
>"Why are you guys so mean to each other all the time?" She asked Spencer sadly, the shorter girl cupped Emily's face in her hands and smiled,<br>"Because Hanna and I not teasing each other is the third sign of the apocalypse." She replied sardonically, her eyes brightening as Emily laughed,  
>"If that's the third sign, what are the first two?" Emily inquired cheekily, using her hands to turn Spencer's body around so that her girlfriend was kneeling either side of her legs,<br>"Well," Spencer smiled deviously, "The second, is Aria growing." She raised her eyebrows as Emily rolled her eyes, "And the third," She whispered, her lips drawing ever closer to Emily's own, "Is me not loving you every bit as much as I do now." She tucked a strand of hair affectionately behind her girlfriends ear as she captured her lips with chaste passion.

"Hm hmm." Hanna coughed with a bad attempt at subtlety, "Ladies." She scolded,  
>"Yay," Spencer cheered, her voice distinctly lacking genuine enthusiasm, "Hanna's back." She pulled apart from Emily walked across to Aria,<br>"We went to get drinks," The shorter girl explained, holding her bottle of water out to Spencer, "You want some?" Spencer nodded thankfully, taking the bottle and drinking deeply as she and Aria sank down into the deck chair next to Emily's, swinging their legs over the side to face her, and now Hanna who was sat on Emily's thighs.

"Don't rise to it," Aria warned quietly, making sure that only Spencer could hear, "Hanna just likes to flirt. I'm not even sure that she knows she's doing it most of the time." Spencer looked at her concernedly,  
>"Aria, I'm not worried." She assured her, in her typical Spencer tone, "All four of us have always been really close...just because Emily and I are dating now doesn't mean that I expect that to change. I wouldn't want it to. I love you both and so does Em." She glanced at Hanna and Emily who were deep in a conversation of their own, "Do you think I should be worried?" She asked comically. Aria laughed,<br>"No, Hanna is way too straight, trust me." The brunette confirmed.

* * *

><p>"Wow, this...has been a good day." Emily grinned as she dropped the remainders of the slice of pizza that she'd just taken a bite out of back into the box.<br>"It has." Hanna agreed wholeheartedly, grinning at Aria who hummed in agreement. Spencer's eyes flicked from Emily to the, almost untouched, last piece of pizza in the box.  
>"Are you going to eat that?" She asked hopefully, Emily chuckled and shook her head, ruffling Spencer's hair a little as she dove across the bed, for the food.<br>"God, how are you so skinny?" Hanna joked, enviously eyeing Spencer's, incredibly toned, abs as the brunette finished the piece of pizza. "And how do you eat so quickly? It's like you inhale your food." Spencer laughed as she swallowed the last bite.  
>"And you eat with your face." Emily smirked, taking in the tomato sauce that was spread around her girlfriend's mouth. "Come here, I'm not kissing you like that." She picked up a napkin from the pile on the bed and wiped Spencer's mouth clean.<br>"So, will you kiss me now;" Spencer asked playfully, leaning in toward Emily and closing her eyes. Emily glanced at Hanna and Aria quickly, the blond rolled her eyes.  
>"Go on, it's not like you normally seek our approval." Emily grinned and pecked her girlfriends lips, pulling away quickly before it could become anything more. Even around their best friends, Emily wasn't too comfortable with PDA.<p>

Spencer pouted,  
>"That's all I get?" She whined, her puppy dog eyes growing bigger by the second.<br>"Just wait till we're alone, Spence." Emily whispered softly. Hanna didn't hear them,and Aria, whom Emily had a sneaking suspicion had indeed heard, was tactful enough to pretend that she hadn't.  
>"Well, that," Spencer murmured emphatically, "Is a promise on which I am most definitely going to collect." Emily laughed and swatted her away,<br>"I'm sure you will," Emily sighed in amusement, "Now go and taking a shower, you're hair is still full of dirt from the water park." Spencer nodded obligingly, standing up and stripping off her shirt,  
>"Want to join me?" She asked Emily provocatively,<br>Is that offer open to anyone?" Hanna giggled sarcastically, "Because in that case..." Spencer used the shirt she'd just remove to smack Hanna around the head, "I'll take that as a no." The blond smirked.  
>"Spencer," Emily hinted, pointing to the bathroom door, "Go...now." Spencer leaned down and kissed Emily full on the lips before disappearing through the door.<p>

"What would she do if she didn't have you to take care of her?" Hanna asked mockingly, rolling her eyes at Emily.  
>"I don't know, but without her...I don't know what I'd do." She smiled fondly, Hanna clapped her hands in delight,<br>"Awh!" She cooed, "That's so sweet!"

Aria emitted a deep breath and stood up, walking wordlessly over to her Duffel bag and rummaging through it,  
>"Aria?" Emily asked in confusion,<br>"Hmm?" Aria responded, seemingly dazed by Emily's question. "I'm just going to change, you know..." She trailed off and Emily heard the words 'tired', 'damp' and 'water park' mumbled, she looked at Hanna quizzically, but the blond just shrugged.  
>"I don't know." Hanna mouthed to Emily with regard to Aria's slightly strange behavior. She'd been quieter than usual all day, come to think of it.<p>

"Hey, Em?" Spencer called from the bathroom, "Can you bring me a towel? I think Hanna left them all in the bedroom." Emily chuckled, scanning the room for a towel. It was amazing how quickly the four of them had managed to mess up the immaculate hotel room, really.  
>"Can one of you guys go and hand this to her?" Emily asked hopefully, picking up a dry towel and holding it out, "If I go, she's going to try something and well...I can resist Spencer naked and in the shower." She admitted her eyebrows raised suggestively. Hanna grinned,<br>"When can you resist Spencer naked?" She challenged, making Emily blush and giggle simultaneously.

"I'll go." Aria grumbled, snatching the towel out of Emily's hand and heading over to the bathroom.

"Seriously," Emily whispered, "What's up with her?" She looked worriedly in Aria's direction, Hanna smiled uncertainly,  
>"I don't know." She said thoughtfully, still staring at Aria. "Yet."<p>

* * *

><p>"You okay over there?" Hanna asked Aria as she flopped down on the bed in their hotel room. Aria sniffled and Hanna shuffled a little closer to her best friend, glancing quickly over at the second bed to make sure that Spencer and Emily were both still fast asleep. Aria followed her gaze, fixing her eyes on where their best friends were cuddled up together.<p>

"They look so happy together, don't they?" The brunette said, her voice void of emotion. She pulled the sleeves of her shirt down over her hands over her fists, using the ends of the fabric to dry her eyes.  
>"They sure do," Hanna agreed, also staring at her best friends. Hearing Aria sigh snapped her out of her out of her day dream and focused her attention back on the matter in hand. She noticed that Aria was crying covertly, but deliberately didn't stare, not wanting to hurt the smaller girls pride. Aria would talk when she was ready.<br>"Really happy." She murmured. The long pause that followed was filled with thousands of both questions and answers, all floating around together-but too mixed up to match and complete the puzzle.

"I miss him." She confessed, her voice breaking as she did. Hanna's heart sank with realization. In the two weeks that had passed since Ezra had left, not once had she mentioned him. Suffering in silence.  
>"Oh Aria," The blond empathized, reaching for her best friends hand. She felt the brunette stiffen at the touch and something inside of her snapped. "I'm so sorry." Over the past two weeks, not only had Aria not mentioned Ezra...but Hanna hadn't asked. She told her conscience that Aria hadn't mention him because she didn't want to talk- now she came to realize that, even if that were true, it didn't matter. She needed to talk.<p>

"Why are you sorry? You didn't leave." Aria spat back. Hanna could feel her temper rising inside of her. The temper that, with anybody else, she would have given into. The temper that would have made her bite back with something that was only true when she was hurt.  
>"I know," Hanna started, pausing as she crawled across the bed, repostioning herself directly in front of Aria with her hands on the brunettes's knees. "And I'm sorry because I was here, but I wasn't there for you. Not when you needed me." She spoke slowly, trying desperately to catch the brunette's eyes. When she didn't, she continued, "But I'm here now. And so are Spencer and Emily." Aria snorted at that,<br>"Yeah, that helps with the loneliness."

"Hey," Hanna snapped, "I know that Ezra left, and that you're hurting. But that is no reason that they shouldn't be happy." Aria's bottom lip trembled and Hanna's eyes softened, her tone becoming more gentle as she took the other girls arm and shook it lightly, "What is this?" She asked playfully, "This isn't like you!"  
>Aria smiled a little as her best friend wrapped her arms around her tightly, hugging her in the way that only she could.<br>"I know," She murmurmed, "And I'm sorry, Han."  
>"And you never have to feel alone."<br>They settled down under the sheets together, their noses inches apart as they shared the pillow.  
>"You want to know the good thing about missing someone?" Hanna asked, meeting Aria's eyes, "It's that over time, it gets easier, because every day that goes past, even though it's another day since you last saw them...it's a day closer to the next time you'll get to see them again."<p>

* * *

><p>AN

Okay, so, again, it was a slight filler chapter, however, I needed a way to show that Aria and Ezra had broken up without displaying Ezria directly as, with no offence to Ezria shippers, I find them incredibly hard to write.

I really enjoyed being able to write them in an outside sort of scene, rather than in one of their bedrooms or school, so I hope you guys liked that too; I also love writing Aria in different moods, as I think that she's going to become a much bigger part in this story, but in a way that she'd never act normally on the show.

That promise of Emily 'making it up' to Spencer? Can anyone guess where that leads? ;)

Review please?

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	9. Suspended In You

The cutest couple ever plus a blond best friend divided by a messy break up (and subsequently, moodiness) and multiplied by a certain promise, equals? Why, Chapter Nine of course.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Chapter Nine- Suspended In You<p>

March 15th 2012  
>4:13 PM<p>

34 Turning Leaf Lane.

The words blurred in Aria's mind as she read the address on the door, as she had done so many times before, for years, these words, along with 43 Serenity Lane, 28 Bridgewater Terrace and, for a while, 29 Bridgewater Terrace, had meant one thing to her: safe place to land. That was why she was here now- standing, shaking, on the porch of her best friend's house. The sound of the doorbell rang through her head repeatedly, coupling together with the sounds of skipping footsteps and tone-deaf singing. She grasped the wooden post for support, feeling light headed and slightly nauseous from the days events.

"Hey Ar-" Hanna sang as she flung open the door, grinning at first glance, but her smile dissipating as quickly as it had formed as her brain caught up with her eyes. "Woah. What happened?" She wedged the door open, allowing her to move from where she'd been leaning against the door jamb and closer to Aria. "Aria, what's wrong?" She pressed quietly as the smaller girls face crumpled.

"He's gone this time." She whimpered. "He's really gone." The blond girl looked both confused and scared as her best friend brought her up to speed, somewhat cryptically. Aria threw her arms around her neck and hung off of her, burying her face in her shoulder and allowing the other girls touch to soothe her.

"Hey," Hanna crooned in her ear, still not clear on what had happened, but all too aware of just how many people could be surreptitiously watching you in Rosewood."Lets get you inside." She ushered Aria through the door and looking both ways down the street before closing it.

"Geez," Hanna moaned, screwing up her face as they entered her bedroom, "You stink of vodka and scotch." Aria blushed awkwardly, examining her clothing for any signs of her previous beverages. Sure enough, the right knee of her jeans was stained a pale orange color, supposedly from the scotch and her shirt stank of vodka.  
>"First, get in the shower." Hanna instructed, wandering out of the room and down the hall, "Before you either make me puke from the smell, or entice me so much with it that we both end up drunk off our asses, and then, we're going to get some strong black coffee and you're going to tell me what in the hell happened." She called out over the sound of the running water.<p>

The blond busied herself finding a large white towel and scented shower gel in the bathroom, feeling decidedly guilty for being quite so harsh, but also knowing that, when intoxicated, Aria needed a firm hand and the voice of reason that she, herself, normally provided.

Only seconds after she'd finished speaking, however, Hanna felt Aria rush past her- followed instantaneously but the distinctive sound of her best friend throwing up.  
>"I was waiting for that." She muttered as she set the towel and soap down on the laundry basket and tugged the hair tie out of her own hair- kneeling down beside her best friend, she wrapped the ribbon around her long, dark locks and tied them safely out of the line of fire.<p>

She gulped and tried not to either look, nor to breathe in through her nose as she wrapped her arms around the shorter girls waist, hearing, as she gagged, the pain that she was obviously in. She'd been in that exact position before, on her knees, hurling into her toilet and not recalling how she'd gotten there- and who had been beside her? The girl in front of her now. Sighing, she gave herself a short, mental pep talk as she began to massage Aria's stomach softly, knowing how comforting it was from the many times the brunette had done the same for her.

"I thought you hated sick?" Aria croaked as she rocked back on her knees to look at Hanna; the blond laughed and stood up, grabbing a cup of the counter and running it under the faucet.  
>"Clearly I love you more than I hate it," She explained dryly, handing the drink to her best friend, crouching beside her and supporting the cup with one hand as she sipped it thankfully. "Besides, I kind of owe you for all the times you've had to take care of my drunk ass." Aria laughed and instantly bent over again, retching horribly until she puked again.<p>

"Admittedly, I don't remember ever being this bad." Hanna commented as she set the cup down on the floor beside them and grabbed Aria's hand. "And never at four in the afternoon!" She exclaimed. Aria sat up again shakily, leaning against the wall for support, "Are you done now?" Hanna asked sarcastically, pulling a tissue out of a nearby box and using it to gently wipe her best friend's mouth.

"I'm sorry." The brunette muttered, resting her pounding head in her hands in defeat. Hanna laughed and rolled her eyes,  
>"No need to apologize, my friend." She conceded, taking Aria's hands and pulling her upright, "Now, not only are you covered in hard liquor, but it's nicely blended with vomit as well." She joked, peeling the shirt that her best friend was wearing off of her trembling body and tossing it in the sink. "Gross."<p>

Once Aria was in the shower, Hanna picked up her soiled clothes, replacing them with a baggy T-shirt and shorts of her own, and left the bathroom, leaving the door wide open deliberately, just in case any of the other side effects from excessive alcohol decided to present themselves.

* * *

><p>"Hey," She greeted as the brunette wandered into the kitchen a half hour later, "How are you feeling?" She poured a generous amount of steaming coffee into a white mug and set it down on the breakfast bar in front of the smaller girl, as she pulled herself on to a stool.<br>"Honestly? Like crap." Aria admitted, her cheeks turning red with shame as she began to drink. Hanna nodded, feeling great empathy for her best friend- but simultaneously a sense of pride at herself, for how well she seemed to be handling the situation.

"So," Hanna opened, eyeing the disheveled girl in front of her, "As much as I would love to be the type of friend who you can totally break down to and they won't push you into saying why...that's you, not me..." Aria laughed wryly, easing the mug back onto the counter top and meeting Hanna's eyes.

"It's okay," She smiled, "I think you deserve an explanation.

* * *

><p>March 16th 2012<br>00:06 AM

00:06 came into focus inside Emily's head as she squinted at the red digits on the display. Rubbing her head to try to rid herself of sleep, she reached for the bottle of water that was laying on her best friends bedside table. She sniffed it apprehensively, checking that it wasn't contaminated with Hanna's 'liquid courage' before taking a sip.

She scanned their shared bedroom in the hope that maybe Hanna had come back whilst she was sleeping. No chance. As soon as Ms. Marin had announced that she would be away for the night Emily had known that there wouldn't be a chance in hell of keeping the blond at home.  
>Pulling the sheets around her tighter, she shivered. She was sixteen and, supposedly old enough to spend the night alone...but that didn't stop her from flinching at every sound she heard-whether it was real or not.<p>

A sharp clang at the window startled her from her thoughts; she glared at the window, trying to make out whether or not there was anything there- apprehensive to get closer.

The noise reverberated around the room for a second time- louder now and most certainly real. Swallowing hard, she crossed slowly to the window- experiencing a slight vertigo as she did, which painfully reminded her of the headache she'd suffered with all day. Cautiously, she knelt at the window seat, peering out into the blackness below.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the black hooded figure below, suddenly being whisked into the memories of the days when A ruled their lives.

"Emily!" The figure yelled, aiming another pebble at the window. The raspy voice made Emily's heart flutter and all of her fear melted away into the nights sky as she pushed open the window.  
>"Spence, what the hell are you doing?" She laughed in bewilderment, shuddering at the sudden drop in temperature.<br>"You wouldn't answer my calls or texts, so I had to do it old school and show up in person." Spencer explained, gesturing around her.  
>Emily sighed in exasperation, watching intently as Spencer threw a long piece of rope up into the air, purposefully catching it around the long branch of the oak tree that over shadowed Emily and Hanna's window. It was too dark to see exactly what her girlfriend was doing, but Emily was pretty certain that Spencer's actions would have been unfathomable even in broad daylight.<p>

"Here, catch this." Spencer instructed, beginning to haul up an object that, when it came nearer, revealed itself to be a small, wicker picnic basket.  
>Smiling in spite of herself, Emily watched in awe as Spencer began to climb up the trunk of the tree, allowing her eyes to wander across the brunette's body, praising Spencer silently for wearing skin tight jeans.<p>

"You're crazy, you know that?" Emily berated as she pulled her girlfriend through the open window and slammed it shut behind her.  
>"Crazy for you, maybe." Spencer retaliated, locking her eyes on Emily's and feeling the sparks that she'd felt everytime she'd ever touched the beautiful girl before her, only intensified now.<br>Emily supressed a giggle, a part of her desperate to find comfort in those words, but the larger part unable to shift her mind off of the revelations of the day before.  
>"What would you have done if I hadn't opened the window?" She challenged Spencer. She'd expected a cryptic answer, or maybe even a laugh in response to her question, but Spencer merely stood before her, solemn and sincere as ever.<br>"I'd have waited till morning." She assured her honestly, her breathing become more and more forced as she took Emily's hands.  
>"Why?" The taller girl choked out. As much as she was feeling the usual fire burning between them- she couldn't find it in herself to relent to the same desire as she would have normally cracked because of.<br>"Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean keeps kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it is sent away." Spencer whispered, cupping Emily's face in one of her hands as she spoke, losing herself at last in the eternally promising eyes of the girl that she loved.

"I didn't want you to be alone tonight." Spencer informed Emily as they lay on the floor in her bedroom, a bottle of wine and two glasses between them, surrounded by the dim light of flickering, scented candles.  
>"How did you know that I was going to be alone?" Emily asked, intrigued and wracking her brains to see if she could recall telling Spencer that she had the house to herself, which she was sure she hadn't mentioned.<br>"Please, Em," Spencer smirked, "Hanna hasn't talked about anything but her plans with Caleb all week."

"If you knew that I was alone, why did you climb in my bedroom window? You could have used the door." Spencer giggled,  
>"It's more romantic. Besides, you're into that whole sort of cliché romance."<p>

Emily smiled weakly at her, feeling tears prick her eyes. Her girlfriend's smile softened as she reached out and enveloped Emily in her arms, manoevuering her into her lap and rocking her softly in a reassuring manner.

"I got you," She promised as Emily shivered uneasily in her grasp.  
>"I want to tell you, but I don't want to talk about it." Emily apologized, her big brown eyes swimming with tears.<br>"I know, baby." Spencer told her wryly, kissing her forehead. "Your mom called me, too."  
>"My mom called you?" Emily crinkled her nose up in confusion, "She doesn't even know about us yet?" Spencer laughed and took the opportunity to wipe away her girlfriends tears,<br>"You're forgetting that I've been your best friend for years." She rubbed her nose against Emiky's affectionately as she paused, desperate to see her smile again. "She wanted me to keep an eye on you."

"Well," Emily whispered, all traces of tears gone from her voice and only a few evident on her face, s her entire mood switched. She was tired of feeling weak and emotional; now she just felt...reckless. "Maybe you can have more than you're eyes on me?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively, running her fingers along the length of Spencer's spine, making the smaller girl tingle at the touch.  
>"Em...I," She stuttered, feeling her control slipping away under Emily's touch.<br>"Shhh..." Her girlfriend ordered, shifting her position on Spencer's lap in order to kneel either side of her waist. The skinnier girl gulped, summoning up all of the power that had not yet been invested in the beautiful girl on top of her.

"Em, as much as I love you, and believe me, that's one heck of a lot, I think what you need is to lay down and get some rest, okay? You're dad's unit just got rotated back into Afganistan...it's alright to be upset. You just need to take some time out...alright?" She reason, trying desperately to control her breathing and diffuse the atmosphere.

"What I need," Emily began, leaning Spencer heavily back against the wall, palming her breasts tauntingly and licking slowly down her neck. "Is to take a long, hot shower..." She revealed, biting hard on her girlfriends neck before climbing off of her and walking away.  
>Halfway to the door she stripped of her shirt, tossing it aimlessly over her shoulder. Spencer's mouth went dry, as her entire moral compass disintergrated in an all too familiar surge of heat between her legs.<br>Emily paused in the doorway, turning back into the dimly lit room,  
>"Spence?" She called out sweetly, knowing the effect that she was having on her girlfriend and enjoying every second of it, "You're welcome to join me. If you want to."<p>

Spencer choked out what she hoped passed for a response, far to erotically charged to resist.  
><em>Her father is at war<em> her conscience screamed, _She needs to talk about how she feels, not do you in the shower!_ She sighed frustratedly, licking her lips at the lingering image of a half naked Emily standing in the doorway.  
>'Who am I kidding?' She muttered to herself, jumping up and practically sprinting out of the room, finally surrendering to both her girlfriend and her sex drive.<p>

* * *

><p>"I went to his apartment." Aria managed around a mouthful of scalding hot coffee, not being able to bear the persistently inquisitive glare of her best friend,<br>"Oh God..." Hanna groaned, sensing the direction in which this was bound to be headed,  
>"No, no, no," Aria backtracked, waving her hands wildly about, "Not to see him...just to, you know, be with him in a way. Feel close again." Hanna squeezed her hand, partly in sympathy but mostly to subtly encourage her to continue.<p>

"So, anyway," Aria filled whilst she remembered where she was, snapping out of her daze, "I went inside and got out my book...his book- one that he gave to me- and lay down on the bed to read. Literature was our thing, you know? It felt right. I don't know how long it had been, but it must have been a while, because, well, he came home."

Hanna's mouth fell open in shock, her eyes gleaming with the drama,  
>"Woah, what did you do?" She pushed, intrigued as to how her best friend dealt with that situation, and wondering how she, herself, would have handled it had their roles been reversed.<p>

"Well, nothing," Aria said lamely, blushing, "It was so awkward. I got off the bed and we just...stood there. It's like, I wanted to be angry at him. Honestly, I did. I was furious, I mean, he _lied _to me- he told me that he was leaving to take that job that my dad had set him up with, he told me that he was leaving _that night._ I wanted to be mad...but I couldn't. He offered me a drink, which I needed, and then we had another...and another...and another..." She trailed off, looking ashamed. "And then we did what I'd wanted to do before he left that we never got the chance to do." She squeaked quickly, so fast that, had anyone else been listening, they wouldn't have been able to decipher what had been said.

But not Hanna. The blond knew that voice all too well; she may not be able to work out algebraic equations in her head like Spencer, swim as fast as Emily, or draw like Aria, but girl talk was something she excelled in. Finding out secrets was her area of expertise.

"You slept with him?" She squealed, deducing the hidden meaning in Aria's cryptic confession, "You lost it?" Aria looked away ashamedly,  
>"I gets worse..." She moaned. Hanna stopped abruptly, intently focusing on the newest development,<br>"Continue, "She instructed, "But I want details later."

"After, we'd, you know, done it, he just got up and left, leaving me just laying there like a used toy. He came back five minutes later, fully dressed with a Scotch in his hand, like nothing had even happened. I asked him what it meant for us...and he said...he said..." The brunette could feel herself coming close to took a few, deep, steadying breaths whilst Hanna marveled at how strong she was. Not just now, but always.

"He said that it didn't change anything." She spat bitterly at Hanna, as if she could still taste him in her mouth,  
>"Oh honey..." Hanna sympathized,<br>"Somewhere between him telling me that he had a flight in the morning, and switching from Scotch to Vodka...I wound up here."

* * *

><p>"I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away." Emily confided smugly, as she heard the shower curtain slide open and Spencer slip in behind her.<br>"You know me too well," The pale girl smiled, her girlfriend turned under the spray of the shower to face her and her face fell.

"Why are you fully clothed, Spence?" She asked, somehow sounding seductive even then. Spencer smiled coyly,  
>"Well," She whispered, taking a step toward Emily and tapping her fingers lightly on her waist, "You see, that's the thing...I prefer it when you undress me."<p>

Emily shivered as she felt the brunette's word on her neck,  
>"I'm sure that can be arranged." She promised, working her fingers lightly around the fabric of Spencer's T-shirt and slipping it off of her perfect body. She ran her finger's along her girlfriends torso for as long as she could bear, before looking her up and down. As she took in the sight of Spencer, standing before her, shirtless and soaking wet, something inside of her snapped.<p>

Suddenly she pulled Spencer tighter to her, kissing her fiercely and tugging at the waist of her pants so ferociously that the button ripped clean off and clattered to the floor. Not that Spencer seemed to care. Once Emily had gotten Spencer's jeans as far down her legs as she could manage with her hands, she began to kiss down the length of Spencer's toned abs, kneeling as she did so as to get a better angle.

As soon as the pants were removed, Emily focused on her main goal; licking teasingly up and down Spencer's thighs so as to taste every inch of her girlfriend. She reached the lace of the skinnier girls panties and felt a wave of desire course through her body as she grabbed them with her teeth, simultaneously using her hands to through Spencer dominantly against the wall of the shower.

Spencer felt her knees give way and her body begin to slide down the wall, as Emily tugged her underwear down her legs with her mouth, brushing her nose enticingly against her clit in a, seemingly, innocent movement. She lost her fingers inside her girlfriends infinitely long, black hair as she felt Emily's lips collide with her center.

Emily looked nervously up at Spencer for a second, her emotions all mixing together and forming a strange type of uncertainty. Spencer met her eys in a loving gaze and the taller girl was instantly reassured.  
>She dipped her head and slowly swiped the tip of her tongue over her girlfriend's throbbing clit. The brunette stuttered wildly and slapped the palms of her hands down on the hard tile beneath her.<p>

Emily used her tongue to alternate between pumping inside her and swirling her tongue around her clit, her left hand resting on Spencer's lower abdomen holding her in place. The paler girl was moaning softly, her skinny hips raising off the ceramic flooring, as her back arched in pleasure.

Her breathing quickened even more and, once again, their eyes locked together.

Her voice was hoarse and breathy as she attempted to use it, murmuring her true feelings aloud.

Emily smiled against her and closed her eyes savoring the moment, before her tongue began thrusting faster than ever. Spencer's hand tangled in her wet waves in an attempt to pull her even closer to her as she felt herself drawing nearer and nearer to her climax.

Emily withdrew her tongue slowly, much to her girlfriends displeasure, and gently inserted her pointer finger, softly pirouetting it inside of the girl whom she loved.  
>It was too much.<br>With an earth shattering moan, Spencer came, her hips bucking wildly and her head thrown back.

She gently ran tongue over her clit, causing Spencer's body to hit her with another batch of shockwaves.

Emily waited patiently until her body had relaxed and slowly removed both her finger and her tongue from deep inside her heated core. She shuddered at the sensation, her eyes tightly shut, allowing only a single, salty tear to escape and cascade down her porcelain cheek.

Ever so gently, Emily moved back up her body, her lips placing butterfly kisses on her exposed skin along the way.

She watched, satisfied, her girlfriend trying to regain her breath, brushing a lock of chestnut hair behind her ear. Her skin was flushed; reddened and glowing. Her eyes were closed and her, naturally pouty, lips seemed more swollen than usual.  
>She was beautiful. In every way.<p>

The taller girl leaned in slowly, her lips softly kissing away the fallen tear. She gently nuzzled her nose against Spencer's, her thumb brushing tenderly over her blushing cheek. The brunette smiled contently, her right hand cupping Emily's face, as their lips delicately moved against each others once again, leisurely now- each of them wondered if the girl before them knew just how beautiful she was. Utterly perfect...in every way.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to kill him." Hanna growled, pacing around her bedroom angrily, her fists curled tightly into tense balls of fury. Aria smiled and lay back against the headboard of Hanna's bed- she still hurt all over, both inside and out, but somehow her best friend seemed to dull the pain dramatically. "Hey, Aria?" She asked, stopping suddenly in the center of the room and fixing her eyes upon her best friend, "Can you pass me my cell?"<p>

Aria picked it up off of the bedside table and, wordlessly, handed it to the blond, watching in slight confusion as she frantically punched numbers in the keyboard.  
>"What are you doing?" Aria asked in a stage whisper as Hanna lifted the phone to her ear. She shook her head and pressed a finger to her lips, motioning for Aria to quieten.<p>

"Hey, Caleb, it's me," Hanna sighed, tapping her foot impatiently while she listened to his reply, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but something's come up." She explained, glancing protectively at Aria, "Rain-check?" She asked hopefully. Her request was obviously received well as she grinned, "Thanks, Caleb. I love you, bye."

"Wait up." Aria berated, "You have thought of nothing but spending the night alone with him for weeks." Hanna shrugged innocently, her eyes conveying evidence of the honesty in her words, as she spoke,  
>"But you need me more." She said simply, staring deep into her best friends eyes.<p>

"You know I'm practically still on lock down, right?" Aria asked worriedly, feeling incredibly guilty that Hanna had cancelled her plans for her and she couldn't even sleep over,  
>"Yes..." Hanna conceded, "But you're allowed friends over, right?" She smiled as the brunette nodded, "Besides, if I'm there, they won't notice that there's anything wrong. And even if they do, it will diffuse the tension." Aria felt a pang of emotion at Hanna's compassion, and her thoughtfulness, emotion that was plenipotentiary and heartfelt to the fullest extent. On instinct, she threw her arms around her best friend's neck in a way that she hadn't held her in too long.<p>

"I love you."

* * *

><p>"I love you, pretty girl." Spencer whispered into Emily's hair as she lay her head on her chest,<br>"I love you more." Emily challenged, the brunette giggled fondly, pulling her girlfriend's body closer to her own, so she was resting one of her legs on top of both of her own,  
>"I love you most." Spencer argued. The taller girl bit her lip,<br>"I love you most-est." She teased childishly, unable to think of anything else to say. Spencer snorted at Emily's made up word,  
>"I love you more than you know."<br>"I love you more than infinity." They bantered,  
>"I love you more than infinity and beyond." Spencer beamed, knowing she had won. Emily couldn't argue with that.<p>

"I can't stop thinking, Spence," Emily whimpered softly, "About him. I just...what if something happens?" At a loss as to what to say, the shorter girl simply placed a kiss on the top of her girlfriend's head, shushing her gently,  
>"He'll be alright, honey," She promised, "Your dad's a tough guy, Em. He'll come home, and you know what? He'll do it for you. I can guarantee that you are all he thinks about, the whole time he's away."<p>

Emily relaxed visibly at Spencer's words, yawning sweetly as she calmed herself.

"If I could give you anything, Em, it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes, so you could see just how special you are," Spencer calmly continued, well aware that Emily was coming closer and closer to sleep as she spoke, and determined that she'd keep her safe in her thoughts as she dreamed.

"And how beautiful. How very beautiful. If you saw yourself through my eyes, you'd know. Do you know how you make me feel?" She whispered, becoming quieter as she spoke, her voice sleepy as she watched her girlfriend's eyes fluttered shut as she fought against sleep,

"Do you know? Do you know how your smile lights up the room, as soon as you walk in? And how those dimples make me melt every I set eyes on them? Do you know that your laugh makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside? Can you feel it, too? The way your voice makes me tingle all over?

"Are you aware that you take my breath away every time we touch? How your very presence makes it almost physically impossible for me to breathe?  
>I never want to stop feeling this way. I never want to stop kissing you every day, or ever walk along the sidewalk and not hold your hand. I never want to stop loving you...and honestly," Spencer sighed, feeling her eyes drift shut and her mind start to appease her tiredness,<p>

"Honestly, I don't think I could if I tried."

* * *

><p>AN So what did you think?

I'm also contemplating changing the whole stories rating to an M, so let me know your opinions on that, please :)

And for those of you who are wondering, yes, those are the correct addresses for the girls.

Thanks for reading,

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	10. F11cking Perfect

And, finally, chapter ten is here.

By the way, is anyone else as psyched as I am that filming of season three has commenced, and is bringing with it the return of The ButtahBenzo Show?

* * *

><p>Chapter Ten- F**cking Perfect<p>

"So, today is D-Day, huh?" Aria casually suggested, making conversation as she twirled her fork around in her salad,  
>"It's Tuesday." Hanna condtradicted, her eyes growing wide in her signature look, glaring confusedly at each of us in turn. Aria quirked an eyebrow at the blond, but said nothing as she directed her attention back to Spencer,<br>"Yep, I can't put it off any longer." Spencer groaned, blatantly ignoring Hanna's idiocy.

"Is Emily going to be there when you do?" Hanna inquired excitedly, catching on to the topic of conversation at last and quickly becoming enthralled in the gossip.  
>"That's just it," Spencer began dejectedly, giving up on trying to eat and letting her spoon clatter on to the plate. "I want her to, I really do, but, you know, what if they totally overreact? I don't want Emily to get hurt."<br>Aria's smile softened as, she too, stopped eating.

"I'm sure it'll be great, your parents love you no matter what. And they love Emily, too." Spencer scoffed dramatically,  
>"You see, I'd like to believe that. But my parents' version of 'unconditional love' is like one of those deals on the internet- you know like when they say you can get something free of charge, but then when you read the small print it states that it's only valid if you've already spent, like,seventy bucks?" Aria nodded understandingly and Hanna's interest peaked at the mention of shopping, "With my family, it's like- we'll always love you no matter what, providing you keep a 4pt0 GPA, excell at sports, and are practically perfect in every way."<p>

Hanna laughed, recieving a sharp look from Aria as she did,  
>"What?" She squealed indignantly, "It's true. Spencer's the closest to perfect, like ever, and that's still not good enough. No offense, Spence, but if your parents were my parents, I'd kill myself."<br>Aria grit her teeth in frustration and glared at Hanna,  
>"Han?" She addressed her, "You're not helping."<br>"Besides, if my parents were your parents, then you wouldn't be you, you'd be me." Spencer laughed, provoking a foul look from the blond, "All I'm saying is, if you were in my place, you'd be genetically wired as a Hastings, and you wouldn't have to deal with the sort of predicaments you're implying."  
>"I did not get any of that." Hanna scowled, "But-" She continued quickly as Spencer opened her mouth, most likely to explain it further, "I really don't care."<p>

Spencer was about to retaliate when Aria intervened with another question,  
>"So, when are you telling her mom?" Spencer shot her an apprehensive look,<br>"Supposedly?" She grimaced, "Tonight." She looked around her quickly and leaned further forward across the table towards the shorter girl, pushing her lunch tray aside.  
>"Emily wants to cook for our parents tonight, and tell them together." She divulged, her tone posing a dark atmosphere around them. Aria's eyes went wide with, what appeared to be, fear.<br>"Well...that could be...interesting?" She tried, sounding anxious. Spencer snorted with mirth.  
>"Yeah, that's more or less what I said, too." She muttered grimly.<p>

* * *

><p>Spencer's eyes fluttered back and forth in temptation from her lap to the bottle of her father's scotch that was standing on the counter, all too clearly in her view.<br>"Good luck tonight, gorgeous.  
>-xo, Em." Her phone beeped loudly and she read the words of reassurance aloud. Emily's sweetness, however, had an adverse effect.<p>

After calling Emily's good intentions to a halt, deciding that it was not the best plan to sit Veronica Hastings, Peter |Hastings and Pam Fields in a room together and inform them that they were sleeping together. Well, that was more or less what Pam would assume, anyway.

She felt herself succumbing to her fear as she poured herself not one, but two drinks. Downing them both quickly, she rested her head against the counter top in dismay. Her head was feeling fuzzy, like she had a migraine coming on fast, but she wasn't sick...just nervous.  
>The pain, however, was something that lessened with each unit of alcohol she consumed- her growing fear of her parents, on the other hand, did not.<br>When she and Emily had first started dating, her parents hadn't even crossed her mind, and even when they did, it didn't bother her. More accurately, it didn't set in what a big deal it may be for her family.

"Spence?" Peter Hastings called out as he emerged from his study; raising an eyebrow at the sight of his youngest and the, almost empty, bottle of scotch. "I didn't know you drank?" He chuckled, ruffling her hair as he made his way past her toward the fridge.  
>He was right. Spencer didn't drink- not really, anyway. A couple of glasses of champagne at a wedding, or half a glass of red wine, with dinner, on a special occasion- maybe, but never hard liquor for her own, personal amusement.<br>"I don't." She groaned half heartedly, raising her head slightly off of the counter to glower at her father. He laughed, eyeing her with an odd look of amusement and endearance.  
>"I can see that," He smiled, lifting the bottle up from beside Spencer and pretending to measure the miniscule volume of liquid that remained inside it. "But it sure looks like you did tonight."<p>

The brunette moaned again. She saw now why she didn't drink.  
>"Something on your mind, champ?" He asked, settling himself down on the stool next to Spencer, his body angled towards her as she slumped forward. He waited patiently, knowing that he'd stay there as long as it took to sort out whatever problem his daughter was facing.<p>

Spencer took a deep, steadying breath and as she sat up slowly and turned to face her father. Between her father and her mother, she thought that Peter was the lesser of two evils. He was a complicated man, but on so many levels, they were very alike.

"So, Spence, what's driven you to Scotch?" He joked, placing one of his large hands on her bony knee and catching her eye. "Work? Marriage problems? Ah, I know. The in-laws?" Despite her best efforts, Spencer couldn't fight a smile as she felt her father's comfort begin to warm her through, "Between you and me," he continued, leaning towards her and checking their surroundings theatrically, "It was your grandmother that drove me to drinking."

She couldn't help it. She felt the giggle ripple through her stomach and up, past her chest, out of her mouth. A childlike sound- a small shred of innocence in a mature predicament.

"Atta girl," her father praised as she laughed, feeling an overewhelming sense of pride at his accomplishments in making Spencer smile.

"I'm...I'm...Emily...I'm...Love." She stuttered incoherently. It was only as she met her father's eyes through her tears that she truly realized the enormity of what she stood to lose.  
>Respect. Family. Trust. Home. Security. Love.<br>So many things that she stood to lose. But, none of them were Emily. And so long as it remained as such, she could risk it all.  
>"I-I love her. I love her dad." She sobbed, "I'm-I'm gay."<p>

* * *

><p>"And just where do you think you're going?" Pam Fields voice rang out sharply from the living room, as her daughter rushed past the door. She glanced at the clock to confirm that, it was indeed, past curfew.<p>

She'd only been home for a day, and was returning to Texas within the next few days, but as the previous tenants had already left, and the new ones weren't scheduled to move in until next week, the opportunity to see her daughter was too good to pass up.

"Spencer's." Emily shouted back, unable to suppress a grin as she said her girlfriends' name. As if on cue, her mother appeared in the doorway, watching critically as she fixed her hair in the mirror.  
>"It's past curfew," Pam said pointedly. Her voice had softened at the mention of the brunette. She'd always had a soft spot for Spencer, and Emily intended to use that to her full advantage.<p>

"I know," Emily responded, pulling on her purple sweatshirt and giving herself a brief once-over. "I need to see her."  
>Her mother sighed and raised an eyebrow,<br>"Are her parents out of town again?" She asked in concern, "I hate the idea of her being alone all the time, she's only a kid." She mused,

"Nope," Emily answered distractedly, "I think her Dad's home this week."  
>"Then why the sudden need to be with her?"<br>Emily smirked,  
>"Since I started to date her."<p>

She fought a grin as she tried to gauge her mother's reaction, knowing all too well that she was skating on thin ice.  
>"When did this happen?" Pam asked evenly, avoiding eye contact with her daughter,<br>"One month, three days and a couple of hours ago."  
>"And, Emily, this may seem like an impertinant question, but have you-" Emily screwed up her face in disgust.<br>"Mom, seriously?" She groaned as she stepped outside, "I'll be home tomorrow."

* * *

><p>"Emily." Peter Hastings greeted his daughter's girlfriend warmly as he opened the door to her,<br>"Hi, Mr. Hastings, sir, um, I was just wondering if-" Spencer's father chuckled as he ushered her inside,  
>"Emily, please," He laughed, his voice smooth and friendly, "It's Peter to you."<p>

She blushed and nodded as he helped her out of her jacket, hanging it on a hook next to an array of coats that all looked as though they belonged to Spencer,  
>"It's amazing how much you've grown up," He sighed, leaning against the wooden door frame, "You and Spencer, that is. Why, I can remember when you were but this high," He gestured to a point in midair, just above Emily's hips,<p>

"It's certainly gone by fast." Emily agreed, feeling oddly at ease, and wondering if Spencer had already told her father. She assumed that she had, as Peter Hastings never normally conversed with her like this, but he was strangely calm.

"I always liked you, Emily." He insisted, "Better than the others. You're good for Spencer. You keep her well...she listens to you. She always will." It was Emily's turn to laugh now,  
>"I don't think Spencer really ever listens to anyone." Peter smiled and raised his eyebrows,<br>"I'll give you that," He condescended, "She gets it from me. You're good for her though, there's no argument there. Keep that head of hers firmly on the ground. Always have. You give her hope, too. You should see the way that her eyes light up when she talks about you," Emily felt her heart flutter as he said that; she wasn't feeling at all awkward anymore, not now that she knew how Spencer's father felt about it.

"And trust me, she talks about you all the time. But that's something that I'll have to put up with," He winked, "Now that you're a part of the family."

The tall girl's eyes widened and Peter laughed,  
>"You're in it for good now, Em. If I know anything about Spencer, it's that she'll never let go of you."<p>

He stared in to the empty space above the door mat, his brow crinkled as if he were deep in thought and Emily felt a sudden rush of sympathy for him. He'd just, and only just, found out that his youngest daughter was gay- she, of all people, knew how life changing that could be.

"Sorry," He snapped his head up, shaking it slightly and blinking a few times, "You're not here to stand and talk to me, obviously. Spence is in her room, I think." She nodded her thanks and slipped past him into the kitchen, making her way across towards Spencer's room,

"Oh, Emily?" Peter called out after her, "Will you be staying the night?" She blushed and felt all coherent speech rush out of her body. Of course, this was what coming out to their parents meant- no more sleepovers.

"Uh, if that would be quite alright with you, Mr. Hastings. I- I won't sleep with Spencer. I mean, not in her room. Or at all. I'll just-" Emily rambled, turning furiously red and feeling like her legs had turned to jell-O. Peter laughed loudly,  
>"Go on up, Emily. You can share Spencer's room, I trust you."<p>

* * *

><p>"Wow, you look good." Emily murmured sarcastically as she stood over Spencer, who was sprawled out, face down, across her bed.<br>"Em?" She asked groggily, rolling over to look up ashamedly at her girlfriend,  
>"The one and only," Emily giggled, gently rolling Spencer back over and straddling her back, "How about a massage? You feel, well, more than a little tense."<p>

"Hmmm," Spencer smiled, "That sounds good." Emily murmured in agreement and sat down on Spencer's lower back, beginning to knead the girls tense muscles gently with her hands.  
>"So, your dad's happy?" She prompted, keeping her pace with her hands even across Spencer's skin.<br>Spencer grunted,  
>"He says he is."<p>

"He is." Emily reassured her, "Honestly, you'd be able to tell if he wasn't. By the way he spoke to me I'd say he's pretty pleased."  
>Spencer jumped a little, startled by what Emily had said. She rolled over underneath her girlfriend to face her and cocked an eyebrow,<br>"He did what, now?" Spencer called out with a slight southern drawl that made Emily giggle,  
>"Well, he welcomed me into the family." Emily smirked slyly, watching in amusement as Spencer's eyes widened so much that they looked as though they would fall out of her head, "And he told me that I can spend the night."<p>

"Good." Spencer grinned, grabbing her best friend around the waist and pulling her down on top of her, wrapping her tightly in her arms, "Because I have no intention of letting you go now."  
>"Yeah, your father told me as much." She quipped, thinking back to her conversation with Mr. Hastings and marveling at the irony. Spencer raised her eyebrows, but didn't question it as she snuggled down further into Emily's embrace.<p>

"Oh no you don't." Emily berated, sitting up and leaning over Spencer, "I can't be mad at you, but you've still been drinking." Spencer scowled childishly, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly. The taller girl looked at her sternly, pointing to the bathroom door, "I'm not kissing you until you've brushed your teeth. Go." She instructed, giggling at how easily the brunette decommissioned when the threat of abstinence was upon her.

* * *

><p>"So, how are you holding up?" Hanna asked as she lay back against her headboard, watching as her best friend changed into her pajamas, folding her clothes neatly as she did.<br>"Not bad," She lied halfheartedly, "Keeping busy, you know?" The blond offered her a weak smile, as Aria hesitated at the foot of the bed.

"Should I take Emily's bed?" She asked uncomfortably; they'd slept together more times than she could count, but there hadn't been a spare bed those times, and she wondered if that changed things.  
>"God no," Hanna scolded, patting the bed beside her, "It wouldn't be a sleepover without my cuddle buddy." Aria groaned dramatically as she climbed onto the foot of the bed,<br>"See, it's when you say things like that..." She started, only to be cut off by one of Hanna's pillows hitting her square in the face.  
>"Are you done complaining?" Hanna asked sweetly.<p>

it was in that moment that the brunette was struck with a thought that sent a wave of fear through her body. It was a question that she couldn't control the answer to, but, worse, she wasn't sure how she'd know the answer even if she thought about it.

"Han," She whispered, as her best friend dimmed the lights, "How do you think it happened? Between Spencer and Emily?"  
>The blond blinked twice, her eyes adjusting to the new found darkness,<br>"Emily told me," She smiled, crawling over to the end of the bed next to Aria and sitting crossed legged opposite her, "That she'd liked Spencer for ages, and then, one night, when she was sleeping at Spencer's, she just broke down. Spencer that is, she was crying and everything, and she confessed that she'd felt the same way since, like, seventh grade."

Aria sighed at the blond's exaggeration, the room falling into silence as they both thought about what Hanna had just divulged. When Emily had told Aria how she felt about Spencer, she'd been so...sure. So certain that she really did feel that way towards their best friend.

"I wonder how they knew." The taller girl mused, picking at a loose thread on her bedspread absentmindedly,  
>"They kissed." Aria muttered, "On Valentines day."<p>

Normally, she was the best at keeping secrets out of the four of them, but she didn't see the harm in telling her best friend this now. Spencer and Emily were together now, after all. That changed things.

"Well that explains why she was so touchy when I called it a date." Hanna murmured. The two of them swapped awkward glances, as if reading each others minds.

"Should we...?" She whispered shyly, meeting Aria's eyes fleetingly,but looking away as she felt a blush form on her cheeks,  
>"Do you want to...?" Aria replied, equally timidly. Hanna nodded and shuffled closer, clumsily bumping her knee against the brunette's.<br>"Um, should I...?" She mumbled incoherently, as Aria shrugged slightly, her cheeks turning pink.

Biting the bullet, the shorter girl bounced forward and pecked her best friend's lips bashfully, holding them there for a second before pulling away. Simultaneously, they drew back from each other, avoiding eye contact momentarily as they pondered what they'd just done.

"Did you-?" Hanna wondered, bringing her face back to Aria's, seeing her clearly now that her eyes had become entirely accustomed to the lights. The brunette shook her head a little,  
>"Did you?"<p>

* * *

><p>"Mom?" Emily questioned as she answered her cell, motioning for Spencer to be quiet as she re-entered the room, a dribbled of toothpaste smeared across her chin adorably,<br>"What?" She muttered, her voice cracking awfully as her face fell and tears started to form in her eyes, "But mom- mom, please don't do this." She sobbed.

Spencer crossed over to sit beside her, but she pushed her away, beginning to walk in circles around the her girlfriends bed,  
>"But mom- please! Mom! But- but I love you! Mommy!" The taller girl screamed, her tears mixing with her voice and creating an awful spine-chilling sound that Spencer was sure she'd remember forever.<p>

Emily crying was a sight that scared Spencer deeper and deeper each time she saw it. It had started with a scratch on her skin, one that had formed when she first comforted her girlfriend; at the time, they'd just been friends. When they were thirteen, shortly after their first sleepover, Ben had been giving her a hard time over her rejecting him and, when Emily had confided in Ali, she'd taken Ben's side, teasing Emily as to whether she didn't want Ben because 'he wasn't her type'. Spencer on the other hand, had punched him square in the jaw.  
>That was the first time she'd born witness to the sight before her, and each time after that the scratch had gotten deeper and deeper, until now. Almost four years later, when the scratch was past the stage of being so, deeper even than a knife wound, to the point where it had become an everlasting scar- one that got ripped open and more prominent with each tear that penetrated it.<p>

And now the scar began to burn, as she watched Emily beg for a cause that she didn't understand- but she thought that she could guess reasonably accurately.

"Mama!" Emily screamed, "I love-" Her cell beeped once as she stopped mid-cry, dropping the device to the floor, catching Spencer's eye only once as she crumpled to the ground beside it. Leaving Spencer at a loss as to what to do, with a burning ache in her stomach and blood dripping from her heart.

* * *

><p>AN

So, I hope you like this chapter, I thought it was about time for Spencer to come out to her parents. But what was going on with Emily's mother?

And Hanna and Aria? Who thinks that there's a spark between them? I'd love to hear some of your opinions on their relationship.

Reviews are very much welcome and appreciated.

And, on that note, I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who's reviewed, especially _spinoza-off, wavesofrage, withloveronique, wolfie92,_ and_ Tempy-Sanneh, _thanks for all of your feedback, it really inspires me to write.

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	11. Truth, Bitter Truth

I was totally stoked to see your views on Hanna and Aria sharing that kiss, and I'm also intrigued to see how it plays out over the course of this chapter.

Oh, and by the way, as I seem to have failed to mention this, for which I am very sorry, this story is not entirely AU, as it may appear, but actually started at the beginning of season three- which, for those of you who don't yet know this, will begin six months after the season two finale.

Now, on with the show.

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><p>Chapter Eleven- Truth, Bitter Truth.<p>

There are some things in this world that you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand.

The hurt that had resounded in Emily's voice resonated in Spencer's heart as she watched all the hope and certainty fade from her girlfriend's face- as though someone had begun to dim the lights behind her eyes. Despite the fact that Emily was tall and her eyes held the wisdom of a grandmother, she looked like a mere child. A scared, lonely child.

"Em?," Spencer knelt down on the floor in front of her best friend and took both of her hands in her own, "You know you aren't alone, right?  
>Emily sighed, and tried to smile, but failed. She shrugged. Spencer could tell that she was simply trying not to cry anymore. She shifted so as to sit next to Emily and wrapped a loving arm around her. She knew the only thing she could do for her now was to be there, just be there.<p>

Emily wouldn't look up, she wouldn't speak. And Spencer wondered briefly if she would ever say anything again.  
>The taller girl didn't want to make any decisions. She made wrong decisions all the time, and it wasn't the time for wrong decisions. In fact, it didn't much seem like the time for anything.<p>

She'd known that, when she came out, she'd damaged something, something so primordial, within her relationship with her mother, that it was only a matter of time until the rest of the rest of it broke beyond repair also.  
>But never this far.<p>

Never had she thought that her own mother would leave her. Without even saying goodbye...not really. But she had. She'd left for Texas, with absolutely no intention of coming back anytime soon. Because of her.

_'With her? The things the two of you must have done. All the times you two shared a bed! And in my house! Under my roof! You disgust me. This whole thing disgusts me, Emily. And I'm ashamed to call you my daughter.'_

Her mother's last words to her echoed in her mind, far to clearly for her liking. So loudly that she didn't even notice when Spencer left.

She could hear Spencer talking in the hallway. Her voice was a whisper. The whisper that she used when she was telling a secret. She knew what secret she was telling though. It was her secret, the secret of the last few minutes. She didn't mind, because before too long, the other voice registered in her brain: Peter.

Peter Hastings. Her Father-In-Law to be, someday. Someday when she was older, when they'd graduated from high school, and then college. When they'd started working, bought a house. A red brick house, with a perfectly cut green lawn and a white picket fence; surrounded by flowerbeds, with pink geranuims and white gerbera, with a gravel driveway and shiny car parked upon it.  
>It would all be theirs: the house, the car...the family. They'd have it all...someday.<br>And that quiet knowledge calmed her.

Emily looked at Spencer as though seeing her for the first time that night. She fell, exhausted into her arms and together they lay on back on the carpet of the brunette's bedroom, tangled up together in quiet contentment, each waiting patiently until the right words could be found.

They were like twins. Yin and Yang. Up and Down. Over and Under. In and Out. They were a pair, and as different as they were, they were incomplete without one another.

_"You're the best thing for her right now, Spence. You know that right?"_

_Spencer shrugged. She didn't feel like the best thing, "Wouldn't Hanna or Aria be better at this?"_

_Her father shook his head, "Nope. Emily wouldn't be able to confide in Hanna about this, she lives with her. She'd find it too uncomfortable. And Aria, well, Aria is wonderful, but Spencer, Aria isn't you, and right now, Emily needs you. She'd be lost without you. You're her girlfriend, Spencer. Not just her best friend, but her girlfriend." He paused,_  
><em>"Listen Spence, you be the one there for Emily, and when you need to vent, when you need a shoulder during all this, and you will, you come to me, understand?" <em>

_Peter wrapper his arms around his youngest, _  
><em>"Emily can stay here, if she doesn't want to go back to Hanna's just yet, for as long as she needs to, you got that?" <em>

It seemed funny to Spencer, that all it took to get her father's affection, was to come out to him. He was flattered, she thought, that she'd gone to him, and not to her mother, about her relationship with Emily. And now, about Emily's issues with her own mother. It was ironic, how the thing that she'd thought would obliterate her bond with her father, had turned out to be the solution to bringing them closer.

* * *

><p>There was an awkward silence that filled the room, as mounting nerves combined with mixed emotions. The heat waves radiating from the blushes of the two girls were almost visible, as their hearts palpitated and their senses heightening in the darkness.<p>

"I always wanted a sister." Hanna blurted out suddenly, her speech slightly slurred and too fast as she spoke out of spontaneity, the brunette's eyes widened at her in confusion before she smiled,  
>"Me too."<br>"And not Kate. Evil step-sisters don't count." She growled. "My point is," She added after a moment of silence, her gaze softening as she felt herself begin to feel nervous again, "You're the closest thing that I have."

Aria nodded,  
>"I get it. It's like, I love you, Han, I really do. And I can't think of anyone who I'd rather spend time with, or talk to. Whenever anything exciting happens, you're the first person that I call. When I wake up, scared, in the middle of the night, it's you that I want to hold me. You're my best friend, Hanna."<p>

"But Spencer and Emily were best friends." Hanna pointed out bluntly, "And they still are all that." Aria sighed,  
>"Where's that line? Where does it stop being sisterly love and become, you know, love-love? When does it change from kissing your best friend for practice and become kissing her for, you know, because you want to...like that. Especially when you're so close already. Sorry, Han. I'm rambling, I just-"<br>"Don't get it?" Hanna interrupted, finishing Aria's sentence for her as she flopped backwards on her bed, "I know. It's so confusing."

"Does it have to be?" Aria asked, quirking her eyebrow, in the way she always did when she was thinking hard about something, "Think about it. We've kissed before, right?" Hanna nodded slowly, "And neither of us felt anything?" The blond nodded again, "And just now, we didn't feel anything?"

"So, what's your point?" The taller girl cut in, propping herself up on her eyebrows,  
>"My point is, is that we've never questioned it before, so maybe we're just over analyzing. Just because Spencer and Emily are together, doesn't mean that we should be."<p>

Hanna smiled,  
>"So, where do we go from here?" She asked quietly, looking around the room for inspiration,<br>"To sleep?" Aria laughed, eyeing the clock as she lay down next to the blond.  
>"Sure," Hanna sighed in defeat, as she rolled over so her back was pressed against that of the shorter girls and wrapped her arms around her waist.<p>

"Ar?"She asked shyly into the darkness, as she rested her forehead against the other girls soft, dark hair, "I'm glad that I got you."

Aria smiled to herself and let out a breath that she'd been holding since they kissed,  
>"Me too, Han..." She assured her, "Me too."<p>

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><p>Spencer awoke to the sound of her girlfriend whimpering, still clutching her T-shirt in her hand; trying to ignore the stiffness in her back, from where they'd lain on her bedroom floor all night, she rolled over slightly to her left, carefully moving Emily so that her head was resting protectively in the crook of her elbow.<br>"Emmy?" She whispered softly into the taller girls ear, "Emily?" Her girlfriend stirred, opening her eyes sleepily to meet Spencer's in the darkness of her bedroom.  
>"Spence?" She murmured in a daze, trying to stifle a yawn, "What time is it?"<p>

Spencer smiled and craned her neck in order to catch the digital display on her night stand,  
>"It's only two am," Spencer said gently, "But we need to get in to bed or we're both going to ache in the morning." Emily nodded, turning her face further into Spencer and letting her eyes drift closed again, "Hey!" Spencer giggled adoringly, shaking her girlfriend slightly, "Em, come on, you're sleepy and you're way too tall for me to carry you."<p>

Begrudgingly, Emily placed her hands either side of her and pushed herself of off the ground, swaying a little as she did.  
>"Woah," Spencer exclaimed, catching her before she could fall back to the ground, "Come here." She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and escorted her to her bed, half walking, half dragging Emily behind her.<p>

"Here we go," She motioned to the bed, turning down the corner of her sheets and guiding Emily underneath them. Laying down next to her, she rested her head against the same pillow and draped one arm across the taller girls hips, stroking her thumb against the exposed skin beneath it as she felt her girlfriend begin to fall asleep beside her.

"Spencer?" Emily moaned as she rolled over to face the brunette,  
>"Yes, honey? What's wrong?" She asked alarmed. The darker girl smiled contentedly,<br>"Nothing. Just, can we sleep like this?" She suggested timidly, as she inched closer to her best friend in need of the comfort that she provided.

Spencer grinned affectionately,  
>"We can sleep any way you'd like." She informed her, sliding one of her arms underneath Emily in order to bring her closer. The tan girl lay her head against her girlfriend's chest, allowing the comfortingly repetitive beat of Spencer's heart to act as a lullaby, and, as she felt her girlfriend tease her hair absentmindedly, she wondered if it was possible that she may, someday, feel happy again.<p>

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><p>"Hello ladies," Hanna sang as she joined Spencer, Emily and Aria at their usual lunch table in the cafeteria, "Oh, and Spencer." She joked. The brunette smacked her playfully on the arm and rolled her eyes,<br>"So, you guys got anything interesting going on this week?" Aria asked sweetly as she poured dressing over her salad, Emily glanced at Spencer and shook her head,  
>"I don't think so," She announced, biting into her cookie before offering it to Spencer.<p>

"Great!" Hanna chimed in, "Because Noel's throwing this kick-ass party at his parent's lake house tonight, and I got us all invited." Aria raised her eyebrows,  
>"Are you sure that's a good idea?" She asked apprehensively, "Because, from what I heard, the last time you went to a party at that lake, you almost drowned." Hanna scowled at her, but, besides that, ignored her comment,<br>"So, are you guys in?"

Spencer looked carefully at Emily; the brunette was more concerned for her well being now that she had stopped crying, plainly because she was blatantly ignoring the events of the night before, and Spencer, if she dared to mention them.  
>"Absolutely." Emily agreed, a little too enthusiastically for Spencer's liking- she'd dealt with enough drunk Emily for a lifetime.<br>"How about you, Spence?" Hanna turned her attention to the brunette, who felt slightly uneasy.

"I'll go if Aria does." She suggested, looking pointedly at the shortest of the girls,  
>"Sure, but I'm not drinking." Aria informed Hanna, who had already started rambling about what she was intent on wearing.<p>

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><p>Hanna leaned back against the lockers as she waited for Spencer to finish organizing her books in order of use,<br>"Do you want to come and keep me company until I have to get Em from practice?" Spencer asked Hanna as the two began walking along the hallway towards the nearest exit, the blond smiled brightly,  
>"Sure, what kind of company?" She asked seductively, slipping her arm around the brunette's waist.<p>

Spencer giggled and playfully shoved her away,  
>"Sorry Han, but those benefits are strictly reserved for Emily." The shorter girl exhaled loudly, and dramatically wiped a tear from her eye, effectively earning her another smack on the arm.<p>

"So, there's something we've never really discussed..." Hanna insinuated, as she threw her bag down on Spencer's chaise and fell onto her bed,  
>"There are many things that the two of us have never conversed regarding," The brunette smirked, "For instance, politics, or trigonometry, or the economy."<br>"Or the way that you speak like a dictionary." Hanna rolled her eyes, ignoring the fact that she barely understood what Spencer was talking about the majority of the time. "And those are all boring things. I want to talk about good things!"

Spencer raised her eyebrows in alarm,  
>"Well, that has many harrowing implications," She muttered dryly, "I suppose you want to talk about the social fraternization of myself and chosen partner?" The blond crinkled up her nose,<br>"No, that sounds boring."

"Talking about my sex life is boring to you?" Spencer grinned, amusing herself at Hanna's expense greatly,  
>"God no, not until you put it into, like, old people language."<br>"You mean standard English?" The taller girl contradicted. Hanna glared at her for a moment, brightening up as she remembered their topic of choice.  
>"Anyway, what I really want to know is what Emily's like in bed." She stated, looking to the brunette for approval, Spencer looked slightly uneasy and the blond's tone softened, laying her hand on the brunette's knee, "Spence? Are you okay? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, like, does it make you uncomfortable?"<p>

"No, no, no it's not that," The brunette quickly replied, "Not at all, I was just thinking, you know, it's weird that we haven't talked about this. When I was with Toby, we used to tell each other everything, like, all the time, and it occurred to me that maybe, Emily and I have been slipping away from you guys? And I totally don't want to be one of those girls, neither does she."

Hanna laughed awkwardly,  
>"Absolutely not. And it's okay, you know, you and Emily are still in that 'honeymoon phase', where you can't keep your hands off of each other and everything, so, no, it's cool." She smiled and Spencer breathed a sigh of relief. "So now, tell me what the sex is like!"<p>

"It's true what they say, about doing it with someone that you love, I don't know, it just...God, it's incredible. Really, truly, incredible. I mean, I still think of Emily as my best friend, as well as my girlfriend, and that just makes it so special." Hanna smiled,  
>"Are you guys at it all the time?" She asked; she'd never ask Emily many questions about her sex life, for fear of making her too uncomfortable, past the point of teasing, but Spencer was like she was, she wasn't shy and loved to brag.<p>

"God no," Spencer argued, "We've only ever done it twice. But, with Emily, I want every single time to be as special as the first. It sounds cheesy, but it's so true." Hanna nodded understandingly,  
>"It's not cheesy, Spence, it's sweet. But-" She paused, mid sentence and shook her head, "Never mind."<p>

"No, go on, what is it?" She asked, cocking her head to the side, "You know that you can always ask me anything."  
>"It sounds stupid," Hanna started and Spencer laughed,<br>"That doesn't usually stop you."  
>"But what exactly do you guys, you know, do?" She blushed deeply, "When does it count? It's like, Caleb and I, we did, other things before I was ready to actually do it, so, does that mean, that if I were with a girl, would I have lost my virginity before then?"<p>

Spencer sighed, deeply. Truthfully, this was something she'd contemplated many times since that first night with Emily, but it was something that she'd never bring up with her girlfriend, in case she thought that she was thinking about doing it with a guy.  
>"I think, that you virginity shouldn't be a concept that specifies to the first time some guy sticks it in you, but, in my opinion at least, losing it should refer to the first time you become intimate with someone that you really, truly, love. Ergo, I lost mine to Emily."<p>

"That's sweet, Spence," Hanna smiled, "But I still want to know the stuff that you guys have done."

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><p>"This is so lame." Spencer moaned, as the girls found an empty corner of the house to relax in. "Remind me why we're here again?" Emily pointed at Hanna and the drink in her hand,<br>"That's why we're here." She muttered.

"What is that, your third?" Spencer asked cautiously, taking the drink from her best friends hand and sniffing it, "And God, Hanna, it's strong." Hanna giggled and reached for the cup again, just missing it as Spencer handed it to Aria.  
>"Fourth, actually." The blond girl slurred, grabbing Spencer's hands and pulling her towards her, "You want to dance with me, sexy?" The taller girl laughed and glanced at her girlfriend, who nodded bemusedly and leaned back against the wall.<p>

"Does that bother you?" Aria asked her as they watched Hanna's hands roaming across Spencer's body,  
>"Not at all," Emily laughed, "Hanna likes to flirt and Spencer likes her ego to be fed, besides, Hanna's totally straight...and our best friend." Aria nodded,<br>"So, what you're saying is you trust them both?" The shorter girl hinted, taking a sip of the confiscated drink that she was still holding onto.  
>"Of course," The tan girl insisted, "Besides, Spencer's good at looking after Hanna when she's drunk."<p>

"Wow," Aria muttered, chugging the rest of the drink, "Look, Em, I know I said I wasn't going to drink tonight or anything, but, these past few days have really sucked, so..."  
>"I don't want to drink anyway," The taller girl smiled, "So, if what you're insinuating is that you'd like to drown your sorrows in alcohol...it's fine by me."<br>"God, Spencer's rubbing off on you." Aria grumbled darkly, grabbing a beer off of a near by table and downing half of it in one gulp.  
>"Geez," Emily cried out, grabbing the bottle, "Slow down!"<br>"I have a lot of sorrows to drown tonight." She muttered as she wandered into the midst of the congregation and out of Emily's sight.

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><p>"Come with me. Now." Spencer demanded, grabbing her girlfriend by the shirt and yanking her out from the crowd of people, that she'd been standing with, and pulling her up the stairs; they reached the landing, and Spencer pushed open several doors before they finally came to an empty room, which Emily could only assume to be the master bedroom. Once inside, the smaller girl locked the door, slamming the tan girl against it and kissing her with passionate aggression.<p>

Surprised, Emily deepened the kiss, biting Spencer's bottom lip twice before forcing her tongue inside her mouth. Switching their positions, the taller girl pushed Spencer's back against the door frame and grabbed her thighs, hoisting her girlfriend up and wrapping her legs around her waist; she felt Spencer shiver as the belt buckle from her jeans rubbed against her thin, lace underwear- left, conveniently, exposed by her short plaid skirt- and grinned into the kiss.

Teasingly, Spencer used her position to her advantage, running her hands down Emily's back and slipping them underneath her shirt sensually, enjoying the moaned that escaped from her girlfriends lips at the fresh contact.

"I love you," Spencer moaned as she began to grind her hips against her girlfriends waist. Emily chuckled and cupped the back of Spencer's head with her free hand, twisting her long, dark hair around her fingers- she found that she could, easily, hold her girlfriend up with only one hand, especially considering how tightly the brunette was wrapped around her now.

"Good God, Emily!" The brunette screamed, as she felt a brand new sensation hit against the sensitive flesh of her upper thigh, "Emily, please, don't stop it!" Emily struggled to stifle a laugh as she kissed Spencer chastely on her swollen, pink lips.  
>"Spence?" She giggled against her lips, provoking another moan from Spencer, "I kind of have to stop it."<br>"Why?" Spencer groaned in dismay, closing her eyes and reveling in the sensation whilst it lasted,  
>"Because, honey," Emily teased, removing her hand from where she'd been gripping Spencer's hip and fumbling in her own pocket, "It's my cell phone and it's vibrating."<p>

"Who is it?" Spencer asked with displeasure, glancing at the screen, "Oh God, it's Hanna. I'm going to kill her." Emily laughed,  
>"It's gone to voice mail, anyway." She slipped it back into her pocket, "And you seemed to be very much enjoying it, so you should probably thank Hanna." The brunette snorted in disgust,<br>"Yeah, right, she'd never let me live it down."

"That's probably true," Emily sighed, tucking a strand of her hair behind Spencer's ear and looking deep into her hazel eyes. They were kaleidoscopic, she'd always thought that. Even before she'd admitted to herself that she was harboring feelings for the brunette, she had always found herself utterly mesmerized by the abstract mix of greens and browns, and the pictures that she found within them. Her eyes were always the best way to read Spencer, for they said the things that her pride would not allow her to- the truth.

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><p>"This," Aria slurred, "Is a very, very cool room." She jabbed her finger hard into the bedspread, which was patterned with a gaudy print of black and white asymmetric shapes, surrounded by whitewalls and various red accents to the room.<p>

"Thanks," Her company grinned, "I've always liked it." He crossed to the other side of the room, where a set of shelves, stacked high with books and various ornaments, sat in the corner, and began to fiddle with a few bottles that were stood on the top shelf. "Can I fix you a drink?"

The brunette murmured her consent as she made herself comfortable on the bed, picking up the book that lay on the nightstand,  
>"The art of war, by Sun Tzu." She read aloud as she flipped through the pages, "Spencer's read this."<br>"Of course she has." The boy agreed dryly, "It's a good book. You read a lot?" Aria murmured distractedly in reply, and the other voice fought for the conversation to flow, in an effort to distract her, "There are more," He informed her, pointing behind him with one hand, "Books, that is, over there."

With a sick smile, he watched from the corner of his eye as she turned toward the wall and quickly became engrossed in reading the titles of each and every book the case contained- surreptitiously, he grabbed a small packet out of his pocket and emptied it's contents into one of the glasses that he was preparing, being sure to be able to distinguish between them.

"Here you go," He said, as he finished stirring the cocktail, handing it to Aria. "My specialty." Aria grinned and sank back onto the bed next to the boy,  
>"It's good." The girl complimented, as she drank deeply from the glass, enjoying the buzz that she was already feeling from her other beverages of the night. The boy grabbed the glass and held it upright, until every last drop had gone.<br>"It's better when you drink it quickly," He explained as he flashed his charming smile. She felt herself melt at the gesture- she'd missed this, having a boy around, someone to make her feel special.

He watched in twisted amusement as her eyelids drooped, her breathing becoming heavy and thick. Pressing his lips to hers, she tried to push him away, but she was already feeling far too lethargic to try harder. As sleep quickly consumed her, the glass fell from her hand to the floor with a dull thump, signalling his cue to make his move; entirely dropping his act of nicety, her roughly pushed her to the bed, grabbing her right breast with one hand and clumsily shoving the other below the waistband of her skirt.

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><p>AN Your opinions please?

Thank you guys for reading this, it means a lot to know that you're enjoying it- which I hope you are, because I really am enjoying writing both this, and my other fic.

Next update will be up ASAP

Until then,

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	12. I Don't Know What I Can Save You From

Hey guys, chapter twelve is finally here. I hope it's alright, though, cause I think there's quite a lot going on in this chapter, and I'm slightly worried that it's a little bit chaotic, but with finals plaguing me over the course of the month, I haven't really had the time to pay as much attention to this update as I would have liked. Although, lets face it, this is far more entertaining than Algebra.

Here's hoping that you like it :)

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><p>Chapter Twelve- I Don't Know What I Can Save You From<p>

"Em, I think it's officially time to leave." Spencer sighed, feeling for her girlfriends hand and grasping it tightly,  
>"Agreed." Emily enthused with relief. It was just past midnight, and the girls had been at the party for almost four hours, although Spencer would have happily left after four minutes.<br>"Where has Hanna got to, I wonder?" She asked, although she knew that Emily was just as in the dark as she was herself, "And Aria, for that matter?"  
>"I dread to think." Emily murmured, straightening her shirt and fixing her buckle whilst Spencer fought with her hair to get it back into it's correct arrangement.<p>

"You don't think they're too drunk, do you?" The taller girl asked worriedly, making her girlfriend smile,  
>"Admittedly, it wasn't the most strategic of my plans, leaving the two of them to get wasted together and remaining sober with you, but they'll be alright."<br>"Absolutely, you totally should have gotten drunk with me. Who knows what we could have done together?" She smirked, retrieving a shocked, yet amused response from Spencer.

"That can be arranged," She assured her, opening a couple of drawers in the room, "I'm sure there has to be some form of alcoholic beverage around here..." Emily giggled and grabbed the brunette.  
>"I'll make you a deal," She whispered seductively, breathing down her girlfriends neck and making her quiver under her touch, "If you don't consume anything intoxicating here, I'll get you drunk on me, later."<p>

Spencer gulped.  
>"You got it." She stuttered, biting her lip to keep from shrieking as Emily's magic fingers danced across her skin.<p>

"I knew I'd get my way." Emily teased, kissing Spencer tantalizingly, just under her ear, one of the other girl's most sensitive spots, before grabbing her tender lobe between her teeth and tugging it hard- an action that one might assume to be painful, but something that the brunette always found strangely erotic.

"Oh God, Em." The thinner girl moaned. Her girlfriend released her flesh and hung back to face her, catching her gaze and holding it firm with her eyes, "I changed my mind, let's not leave. Let's stay here all night. In this room. In the bed, more specifically."

Emily smirked and captured the pale girl's lips again, kissing her with hard passion for a moment before cutting all ties of contact between them and opening the door.

"Later." She promised with a wink, as she retreated into the sea of teenage hormones.

* * *

><p>Wandering along the hallway, Hanna felt all traces of intoxication slipping out of her body, replacing themselves with aches and fatigue,<br>"Come on, Ar." She muttered, dialing her best friends cell phone number for a second time, contemplating how odd it was to have had to try twice- Aria never didn't pick up, the possibilities of it being an emergency situation were too high.

She stopped dead as she heard the familiar sound of her best friend's ringtone blasting nearby,  
>"Aria?" She asked confusedly, following the noise to the door at the end of the hallway and pressing her ear against the crack between the wood and the wall. "Ar!" She shoved her hip hard against it, pulling the handle down as she did but the heavy wooden door wouldn't budge. "Come on," She moaned in despair, "Open..."<br>"You need to get in?" She heard a familiar voice say from behind her, as she turned around to face none other than Noel Kahn himself.

"So what if I do?" She replied indignantly, in true Hanna Marin style, not willing to disclose any information about the situation until he proved himself trustworthy,  
>"So, if you do," He taunted, "I got the key." She sighed with relief and stepped aside, as Noel grinned triumphantly whilst slipping the key into the lock.<p>

"Crap," He cursed under his breath, "The key's still in the door on the other side, I can't get it open." The blond paled and leaned against the wall for support,  
>"I need to get in there." She groaned,<br>"Here..." Noel said slowly, handing the girl the keys and the drink he'd been holding, eyeing the door carefully.

"Wait, what are you-" She protested as the dark haired boy slammed his shoulder into the wood, barely even wincing as he ricocheted off, before she'd had a chance to stop him, he tried again, this time splintering the door enough to weaken it. On the third attempt the wood gave way, cracking straight down the middle as it swung open.

"Aria!" Hanna screamed, running toward the bed, where she could just about make out the figure of her best friend, laying trapped underneath a boy she knew all too well, "Get off of her, you jerk!" Taking the boy by surprise, the blond manage to shove him hard enough to get him off of the brunette.

"Ar?" She asked softly, cupping her pale face in her hands, "Aria, can you hear me?" The smaller girl was out cold, but Hanna could feel her heart beating underneath her hand, which was something of a reassurance.

"We need to get you out of hear." She muttered to herself.

"What the hell, man?" Noel screamed into the face of the boy, holding him tightly by the collar up against the opposite wall of the bedroom,  
>"What the hell to you, too." He retorted drunkenly, "If you were jealous, you could have just joined in..."<p>

Slap. The sound of skin on skin could be heard unmistakably as it echoed around the room, providing Hanna with at least some form of retribution.

"Ar, come on." She pleaded, feeling tears prick her eyes as she draped one of Aria's arms across her shoulders, half dragging her best friend across the room and out of the door.

"Spencer!" She yelled across the room, fixating her eyes on the skinny brunette's retreating form and heading towards her, "Spence!"

She watched as her best friend stopped suddenly, obviously listening hard, for a moment before she turned around, pushing through the crowd with a form of tenacity that Hanna had only ever seen displayed by the brunette herself, and pulling Emily with her by the hand.

"Hanna, what's wrong?" Emily asked her, swaying a little and paling at the sight of Aria's unconscious body which was still draped around the blond's shoulders,  
>"He slipped her something- he slipped something in her drink, and now I can't wake her up." She murmured, beginning to cry hard at the situation, "I can't wake her up."<p>

The tallest girl smiled reassuringly, taking the sleeping brunette and slipping one of her arms around her own shoulders, to bear some of the weight.

"You have to get her out of here." Spencer instructed Emily urgently, "Take my car keys and wait for us there, you can come with me, okay Han?" She smiled softly at the blond girl, who didn't particularly like the idea of leaving Aria, but trusted the brunette enough to know that, whatever she was doing would be effective. Slipping her hand into the taller girls, Hanna allowed herself to be lead down the hall, in the opposite direction to the other two girls.

"I take it that it's this room?" Spencer asked her rhetorically, squeezing her fingers tighter as they cautiously stepped over the shattered pieces of wood that lay scattered around the floor. The shorter girl nodded, all of the caution that she'd previously exhibited fading away from her, replaced with pure ire as she began to fume.

"What the hell did you put in her drink?" She shouted across the room, making their presence known,  
>"Nothing that she didn't like." The faceless boy chortled, digging his hands into his pockets as he sauntered towards the window, all the while keeping his back turned toward them.<p>

"Really? Because her consciousness seems to disagree." Spencer snorted, stepping further into the room and squinting at the boy, hard in the dimly lit room- the lights were low, she supposed that it was supposed to be 'romantic', and her she shuddered at the thought.

"Spencer Hastings." He remarked, his sneer evident in his voice, "Oh, I remember you." His tone made Hanna's skin crawl, his air of serenity too contradicting with his eerie nature, giving him the appearance of a notorious villain. "Oh yes, I missed you."

"Tell me what the hell you put in her drink or I swear to God I'll extract the answer from your vocal chords with my bare hands." She snarled, crossing to the desk warily, all the while keeping her eyes fixed on the back of their anonymous opponent. She picked up the abandoned packet, still containing the ominous white powder and held it up to Hanna, widening her eyes meaningfully.

"What is it?" The brunette pressed on, ignoring the sense of omniscience that he was projecting,  
>"Why don't you sniff it and find out?" He challenged, laughing dryly at his own joke.<p>

They say that, when an event happens right in front of you, that it takes less than half a second to see it, another second to perceive it, then two more to react to it. But to Spencer, it seemed like hours.

She watched dumbfounded, her mouth agape as the blond girl hurtled across the room, using her advantage of surprise to knock Aria's attacker to the floor, her hands and feet flailing in anger as she did her best to avenge her best friend, kicking and screaming with all of the confusion that she held within her. Coming to her senses, Spencer sprang into action, grabbing the blond around the waist and pulling her away, forcing her to the other side of the room in an attempt to keep her safe.

"He hurt her, Spencer!" Hanna screamed, fighting against the other girl fiercely.  
>"I know, Han, I know. But you're only going to get yourself hurt." She soothed, using both of her hands to steady the smaller of the two.<p>

"Do you want to know what she screamed?" The voice asked, finding new realms of sinister nature with every word, and angering both girls more and more, with each breath.

Spencer's heart skipped a beat. She knew that voice. She'd recognized it from the first word he'd spoken, but only now did she know where from. She hadn't been worried though, because, as she once told Kate, she never forgot a thing, so she knew she'd eventually remember. And so she did, and with this new recollection, came new animosity. Volumes of abhorrence that she didn't know existed threatened to explode in her sentience as she whirled around, connecting her fist forcefully with the face of Garrett Reynolds.

* * *

><p><em>"That was for Aria." Spencer muttered as the ominous crack of bones shattering resounded around the room, "And this is for Alison." She shouted, swinging again, grunting slightly as her own knuckles snap upon the impact. As she saw blood beginning to trickle from his nose, she shook her hand, relaxing it from it's fist in an attempt to ease the pain that was now manifested there. <em>

_"And that?" She taunted, irony lacing her words as she slammed her knee into the man's groin, "That one's for me."_

"Hey Spence," Hanna whispered across the makeshift bed that the girls were curled up in. It was the way they always slept when they were at Spencer's house, in a pile of sheets and pillows between her bed and the chaise, though, ironically, it was no bigger than her bed and a lot less comfortable. But there was something oddly reassuring about the way that, when they lay like this, at least one part of their body was always touching one of the others- intertwining them subtly to keep them safe from their dreams.

"Han?" Spencer whispered back, her raspy voice even more husky from the late hour, "Are we the only ones awake?" Hanna nodded, and the brunette barely made out the gesture in the dark,  
>"Yeah, I think so, Aria's out cold and it looks like Em's asleep," she sat up as best she could to look over the sleeping form of the tallest girl,<br>"Yep," Spencer smirked, "Emily's fast asleep on my shoulder." The blond grinned,  
>"Thanks for everything tonight, Spence," She added shyly, blushing slightly at the vulnerability she was exposing.<p>

As close as they were, and as much as they loved each other, the pair of them often struggled when it came to true emotion. Innocence. Vulnerability. Like sisters, they teased each other constantly, ensuring that, once a conversation was headed somewhere deep, they stopped and turned it into some form of sarcasm or innuendo.

"There's no need to thank me, Han. You're my best friend. Taking care of your drunk ass is in the job description." Hanna giggled a little and grinned up at Spencer again,  
>"God, what would have happened if you hadn't found her tonight?" Spencer mused darkly, staring at Aria with compassion,<br>"You're a really great friend to her." The blond's eyes widened,  
>"You sound surprised."<p>

"God no!" The brunette quickly rectified, "I mean, you're a great friend in general, Han. Honestly, of of the best I've ever had." Hanna smiled,  
>"So, you don't think I'm a total failure then?" The taller girl sighed, sensing the dejected note in her voice, and set down her laptop, which she'd been using to occupy herself whilst the others slept.<p>

"Okay, I don't play nice very often, so listen carefully." She declared into the quiet, leaning forward towards the blond and resting her elbows on her knees. "You are one of the most amazing people that I have ever known, you always have been. You're also one of the bravest, and the strongest- you take on board every body else's problems and yet you never crack under the pressure, but when it comes to your own, you suffer in silence because you refuse to get anybody else down.

"And you're totally smart, when you apply yourself, you just never give yourself a chance, Han. You can do anything that you want with your life- I've always seen that...and it's about time that you did, too."

Hanna leaned forward and threw her arms around Spencer, who chuckled a little as she hugged her back, rubbing her arms up and down her back. The blond swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

"Thank you, Spence." She whispered, pulling her even tighter. The taller girl laughed,  
>"For what? I didn't say anything that wasn't true." She argued,<br>"I know. But you didn't have to say anything." The blond pulled away, shyly slipping back under the blankets, but keeping her eyes locked on Spencer's all the while.

"Please?" Spencer laughed loudly, "When have you known me to suppress my opinions?"

* * *

><p>For Spencer Hastings- order was life. Or at least, it was a key essential to her type A personality. And in times like these, order couldn't prevail.<br>So she turned to her books; the books that she'd had since Middle school- To Kill a Mockingbird and The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, The Catcher in the Rye and For Whom the Bell Tolls, one's later acquired, like War and Peace, and even some that, she'd never tired of from childhood. Authors, artists...magicians. Wizards of the most talented kind, who, with just the twenty six letters of the English language, had the power to manipulate emotions, provoke thought and change lives.  
>To create another world, and allow their readers to live within it's realms, wandering through the pages in a vicarious state, willing providing an escape from any harsh reality.<p>

For Spencer, the scariest thing in life was the unexpected, and, at least in books, she always knew how it was going to end.

"What happened with Aria was pretty scary." Emily murmured from her place on her girlfriend's chaise; Spencer jumped a little, not having realized that the taller girl was even in the room, she'd been so wrapped up in her thoughts.

"You have to stop sneaking up on me." The brunette smirked, shaking her head a little to clear her daydream. "It's not fair."

"I'd hardly call it 'sneaking up on you'," She returned, reflecting Spencer's smirk back to her, "I've been sat here for about twenty minutes."  
>The thinner girl closed her eyes in self deprecation, pursing her lips regretfully,<br>"Sorry, Em." She enthused, "Why didn't you say something?"  
>"You're cute when you're studying." Emily shrugged, "And really, really intense."<p>

The shorter girl scowled playfully,  
>"I am not intense." She denied, "And even if I were, you'd only know because you know me well. But, back to your point, it was scary. But she'll barely remember it, even if little pieces come back to her, it won't be enough to really hurt her. I did some research."<p>

"Of course you did." Her girlfriend rolled her eyes playfully, "And actually, even to outsiders, you're intense. It was the first thing Maya said when she met you. And she didn't know you well." She saw Spencer freeze at the mention of her ex-girlfriend's name, and began to move towards the bed, where the other girl had become conveniently interested in what she was reading, "She also noticed how incredible you were, and how much I loved you." The brunette turned her head towards Emily, her usually nonchalant demeanour faltering as her eyes narrowed skeptically,

"It's true," The taller girl assured her, "100%." She chuckled as she watched her best friend process the new piece of information, her lips pressing tightly together in concentration and her brow furrowed, focusing back on the text book. "She never confronted me on it, though." Emily answered Spencer's unasked question, "She didn't need to. I saw the way that she looked when I talked about you. We both changed when we talked about you, actually- she always looked, I don't know, disheartened, like she'd just woken up from a really good dream. And we both know how I looked when I talk about you."

The brunette smiled halfheartedly as she flicked her pen against her notebook rhythmically.  
>"You talked about me to Maya?" She asked, surprised.<br>"Yep." Emily nodded, "All the time."

The thinner girl smiled a little wider this time, still lost inside her thoughts, scanning the pages of her book absentmindedly,  
>"What are you reading?" She inquired, reading over her shoulder for a moment before flicking to the front cover, "The Crucible?" She read aloud, pronouncing it slowly.<p>

"Yeah, it's really great. I read it before, once, in Middle school. It's one of Arthur Miller's best, though I myself am rather fond of Death of a Salesman, it's about witchcraft, supposedly, but there's a stronger theme of law and justice about it. The protagonist-" Spencer rambled, her face lighting up as she began to talk about literature, feeling the comfort of her intellect beginning to flood through her body.

"Whoa, slow down." Emily laughed, ruffling her hair affectionately, "I can barely decipher most of what you're saying."  
>"You should read it." The shorter girl insisted, "It's a good love story, as well. I know you like that sort of thing."<br>"Hmm," Her girlfriend smiled in amusement, "I think I like our love story better than anyone else's."

The brunette propped herself up on one elbow, flashing her famous, broad grin at Emily.  
>"You know, that smile makes me melt every time." She smiled, "And I've always loved your rhythm, too." She gestured to Spencer's fingers, that were dancing repetitively against the cover of her, now closed, book.<p>

"Emily Fields!" She scolded, giggling wide eyed as the innuendo dawned on her, shocked at the Hanna-esque comment, and blushing furiously at the compliment that it contained. The other girl laughed for a second at her own comment, wondering where she'd gotten this new found audacity. But she knew, that the answer was right in front of her: Spencer Hastings.

This relationship had, without a doubt, been the best thing that had ever happened to her. Not only had it helped her to heal, after Maya's death, but Spencer had installed in her the qualities that she'd always dreamt of having: confidence, trust, wit. More than that, she'd taught her not to be afraid to love, or maybe, just how to love her.

"Will you let me hold you?" Spencer asked suddenly, shattering Emily's musings. The tan girl shook her head,  
>"No," She refused, biting her lip at the dejected expression on her girlfriend's face, "I want to hold you."<br>Spencer smiled and crawled across her bed into Emily's arms, laying her long, thin legs across the bed and setting her head on the taller girl's shoulder, allowing her to wrap her arms around her own body.

"Why did you want me to sit on your lap?" The brunette asked contentedly, lacing her fingers with her girlfriend's and staring at their hands,  
>"Because, you're always so busy being every one's super hero, that you never get a chance to be saved." Emily whispered.<p>

"Well, it is my duty." She drawled, her signature sarcasm lacing her words.  
>"You do your 'duty'," Her girlfriend said softly, "And let me do mine. Relax, just be here with me, okay?" She felt the shorter girl nod into the crook of her neck, where the top of her head was resting, and she smiled at the picture they created. The sound of their breathing filled the room, and all of the anxiety and vulnerability that usually resided in the thinner girls eyes, evaporated into the rare tranquility.<p>

And for once, even inside the chaotic head of Spencer Hastings, silence reigned.

* * *

><p>AN

Just for the record guys, for those of you who have asked, I don't actually intend on Aria and Hanna becoming a couple, but who knows, to be honest, in my head, the characters kind of write their own stories, so it may happen eventually. For now, I'm just happy with their friendship, which I think is beautiful.

I am going to try to post the next chapter as soon as possible, but I have a feeling that I'm going to be absolutely slammed with exams and the last minute studying that comes with them.

Until next time,  
>~LaughLoveLiveXx<p> 


	13. The Desperate Kingdom of Love

Hello again, everyone.

Now, for me, this is a rather special chapter, as it's number thirteen, and that's my favorite number. So, naturally, it's a little tortured, angsty and secretive; but never fear, the next chapter will explain all. Or, so I hope.

Everyone excited for June 5th? Can't believe that it's so close!

Well, enough A/N, lets get down to business...please, enjoy :)

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><p>Chapter Thirteen- The Desperate Kingdom of Love<p>

_Spirits were high as Rosewood's students flitted through the halls aimlessly, class schedules forgotten on the last day of school before winter break. Snow was covering the grounds, and most of the school halls now, having been carried in by students. The world was white and soft, and oh so quiet as students scurried around, seeing to last minute assignments and distributing holiday cards and gifts before their vacation began._

_"It's so silent...it's like a dream." Emily whispered admiringly, whilst she and her five best friends traipsed across the quad towards their next period,_

_"Sound travels in waves...as the sound travels through snow the waves are dissipated more quickly so it seems quieter. The same happens with rain but we tend to hear the rain itself, whereas the snow falls almost silently. Once the snow stops it is often quieter for two reasons.. there are less people out and about in the snow, and the fallen snow is a softer surface and therefore absorbs some sound so people walking on a pavement make less noise when it is covered in soft snow and what noise they do make is reduced when compared to the normal noise of footfall." Spencer explained, pushing her glasses further up her nose, as she prodded deliberately at a lump of snow with her foot._

_"God, Spencer. We don't need a science lesson." Ali snorted, her voice full of harsh, bitter derision._  
><em>"It's actually an acoustics lesson." The smartest girl corrected, "Acoustics. And hydro-acoustics, sort of, because we're speaking of the water, and rain, which would make it a little like meteorology, too."<em>

_"Whatever." The blond glared, flicking her hair over her shoulder idiosyncratically, "I don't know why I'm friends with you sometimes." Hanna mimicked Alison, tossing her own blond hair around, but to far lesser effect._

_"What do all those words mean, Spence?" Emily asked tentatively, flickering her eyes to Ali every few seconds, just to check that she wasn't watching, or worse, disapproving._  
><em>"The word acoustics is the term of the science of sound," The brunette began to explain, setting her bag down upon their usual outdoor table with a thud, as her books clattered around inside, "Derived from the word 'aural' which means of, or pertaining to, the sense or act of hearing. That's why, in a musical context, you can often hear people talking about acoustics."<em>

_Emily nodded slowly, taking it all in as she always did when Spencer taught her things like this. The knowledge that the other girl retained fascinated her more than anything else,_  
><em>"So they study like, waves and stuff?" She asked the thinner girl inquisitively. Spencer chuckled,<em>  
><em>"Sure they do." She nodded, "And vibrations. See," Taking the other girls hand, she pressed it to her own throat, "When I speak normally, you can feel it vibrate, but when I whisper, you can barely feel anything." She informed her, dropping her voice to a low tone.<em>

_"Yeah, I feel it." The taller girl laughed, leaning in to press her forehead against Spencer's, "I feel it." _

_"Me too," The brunette murmured, "A frisson, if you will." _

_"A what?"_

* * *

><p>"Are you asleep?" a quiet voice rang out into the darkness, making Hanna sit up at the sound of it, startled.<p>

"Em? What's wrong?" She asks, seeing the outline of her best friend standing in her doorway. She can almost see the tears in her eyes from the soft moonlight filtering in through the window.

They had made their way home from school together and hung out on the couch talking and enjoying spending time together before they both had called it a night, not wanting to be too tired for the long day tomorrow. She'd thought it strange, that the other girl had been so willing to go home so quickly, not even waiting to see Spencer, and she quickly put two and two together. Unfortunately, the blond had a way of adding two and two and coming up with three.

"I can't sleep," Emily said simply, making her way closer into Hanna's room. "I was going to go out, but I remember what happened last time."

"What's going on in that head of yours, Emily Fields?" The shorter girl asked, patting a spot on her bed, inviting her friend to lay next to her. The darker girl smiled and settled under the covers next to her, resting her head on the shoulder of her best friend, laying together the way they had since they were kids.

There was something about the way they were laying that comforted Emily, and it always had. She had laid this way with the girls so many times over the course of their long friendship. Nights when Aria's parents screaming and fighting was more than she could handle, when Spencer's were AWOL once again...when Hanna was trying desperately to fight the urge to make herself sick...or when she, herself, was heartbroken. Nights when everything seemed to be falling apart. They had always been her comfort.

"I guess I'm just nervous about everything. I mean… what if Spencer and I made a mistake? And it doesn't go well? Then my mother will be on my back about it and I just so badly want to shove it in her face," Emily whispered, getting even more comfortable with Hanna next to her. She'd has started to play with her hair, running her fingers lightly through the ebony locks. "I just want to prove to her that I can do it, you know? That this will work, this time. It's not like with Ali, or Samara or Paige...or even Maya; I mean, it's _Spencer._"

"It's going to be great, Em. It already is. Besides… who cares what your mom thinks… all that matters is that you have your friends here for you, and you have Spencer and you're happy."

The taller girl sighed,

"I am happy," She assured herself, feeling her eyes start to get heavy now that she was safe and comfortable in Hanna's arms. "Can I sleep in here tonight?" She asked timidly,

"Shh… close your eyes, Em… of course you can," The paler girl whispered, placing a soft kiss on the other girl's forehead. But before she can even think about it, her eyes are closed and she's drifting off into another world.

When she awoke the next morning, finding herself alone in the blond's bed. She instantly sat up and replayed the night in her mind; after checking, once again, to make sure that she had only dreamed the awful circumstance to which she had woken to, thankful when she remembered coming to her best friend for comfort, from her conscious nightmare.

"Nothing happened," Emily said out loud to herself, as she glanced at the empty side of the bed. "It was just a dream."

She stretched, before making her way out of the room to the kitchen where she smells breakfast being cooked.

"Morning," she said casually, when she sees the thinner girl standing at stove frying bacon. "That smells amazing."

"I made coffee too. I knew you'd need a good breakfast to get you through the day," She said smiling, handing her best friend a cup. "Breakfast should be done in a few minutes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Relax," Hanna soothed warily, "Just that you've been exhausted lately, that's all."

Emily let out the breath that she'd been subconsciously holding, sinking down onto a stool at the breakfast bar and cradling her cup in her hands.

"I can't believe you made breakfast. You're the best ever!" She complimented, inhaling the scent of bacon and eggs deeply, and allowing a smile to cross her face.

"You're not so bad yourself," The blond remarked with a smirk, giving the taller girl the self esteem boost that she so desperately needed.

She drank her coffee in deep silence, until Hanna slid a large plate of bacon, eggs and pancakes in front of her. Fixing herself the same before plopping down beside her, with a self satisfied grin of achievement on her lips.

"So… what plans do you have for today?" Emily asked,

"Not much actually. You know, the usual, school, practice, telling my amazing best friend about whatever is going on between me and my girlfriend, and letting her awesome advice help me to rectify it..." Hanna laughed sarcastically, taking a bite of pancake, and earning herself a glare from the girl beside her. "Oh, wait! That's _your_ schedule."

"Really?" Emily snarled, a hint of warning in her voice. Glowering at the blond over their breakfast; but Hanna had long since learned how to handle her best friend.

"Really." She confirmed coyly, smiling up at the tiger about to pounce. "Now, lets start with whatever may or may not have happened to get you so pissed."

* * *

><p><em>The words crash into your state of relief like a tidal wave rocking the shore, sending you staggering backwards, off balance, unguarded...vulnerable. You feel your heart being squeezed between the rusty fingers of misery, your tears jeering at you, mocking your defeat and calling you on your happiness. You fall. Tripping unceremoniously over your heartache, but past caring if you fall to the floor- actually, you're past caring. You want to fall, to smash into the sidewalk; to feel it's cold, hard cement crack your skull, to see the worlds unforgiving surface painted red with your blood.<em>

_If they want to see your pain, they can. You'll cover the world in blood as they rip you limb from limb, and drown it's inhabitants with your tears._

_You want to fall._

_But she catches you. She senses as your knees go weak, and doesn't even have to look to see that you've lost all of the strength you'd ever had, in that moment. Her hands are firmly on your hips, when the words first hit you. But as the evidence presents itself, in a cruel form of coincidence, it's not enough. She leans backwards slightly, pulling you with her and adjusting her entire body to support the both of you. Your spine. Her arms are around you so tightly now, that you can't tell where your skin ends and where hers begins. You're at one._

_You're fighting, you can tell. You're kicking and you're screaming, pushing away at the hands that bind you. Hands. Everywhere, and you can even tell whose they are anymore; stroking your hair, holding you back, one pressed firmly against your clavicle as you make another desperate attempt to free yourself. You're weak, and you can't go on much longer, both physically and emotionally drained from the nights events, and you can't even breathe because the tears have filled your throat, drowning you from the inside out._

_You're fighting still, but you don't know why. Because in her arms is exactly where you need to be._

_Her lips press against your head, and instantaneously you're entirely broken. But it's okay, because there's no reason to be strong when she's got you. Hearing her rugged breathing, you wish she'd stop fighting too, like you had just done, but you know that she won't break- she has enough strength for the both of you. She's holding in her tears and you are immensely grateful for that, you don't know how you'd have coped if she hadn't- you're a mess now, but without her, you'd be ten times worse._

_The commotion disappears when she speaks softly to the others, planning as always. They must agree, because she says no more, but you can hardly hear them. And so you move, slowly, ever so slowly, as she walks you both forward, careful not to scare you with any loss of contact. _

_You pull away ever so gradually, once you reach the steps of your porch, to show her that you can handle the ascent. She looks to you with a painful smile when you do; proud, but with almost as much dolor as your own eyes must be showing. You nod your head timidly under her gaze, not that you needed to, that is. She already knew. _

_"Come on, Em." She whispered mildly, holding her hand out to you, for you to take it in yours. "We'll do this together." _

_And with that, you fell...but not in the sense that you thought you would._

* * *

><p>The thin brunette sat up in bed, a layer of cold sweat dripping from her shivering flesh as her head spun around the room. Moving ever so slowly, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, shuddering as her bare feet hit the cold floor beneath them- sending a sinking, nauseous feeling straight to the pit of her stomach. Her vision blurred instantly, upon heaving herself off of the bed, leaving her momentarily blinded as she staggered, disorientated, across her bedroom, clutching onto the door frame as she fell over her own feet.<p>

Only just having made it to the bathroom in time, the girl emptied the contents of her, already bare, stomach painfully, wincing as her tears matched the acidic burn in her throat. Upon her vision blacking out entirely once more, she lost her balance, smacking her head hard against the white porcelain, with a sickening crack. The young girl cried out in pain, hoping that just once, someone would be there to save her.

After all, that was what she long for the most, for someone, for anyone, who came with the natural ability to take the pain away. Someone, who had so much potential, so much magic, that they could make the noise stop. The hurting, the tears, the screaming. Her someone would take it all in their stride, sweeping her off of her feet and into their strong arms, where, for once, she would feel safe. And sound. Loved and protected.

But she had found her someone. Her girl. The love of her life. Her knight in shining armor. Her heart, her soul...her everything.

And what had she done?

Being Spencer Hastings, she couldn't remain content. She couldn't leave it alone and leave herself in the hands of someone else, no matter how much she loved and trusted that person. She couldn't have let herself be happy. Instead, she'd done something wrong, or said something stupid; and this time, she wasn't even sure which rash action it was that had ruined it all.

But it didn't matter.

Not at all.

Analyzing the semantics of the situation now wouldn't exactly do her much good in the long term...or the short term for that matter. In fact, it probably was the problem. It was a part of her type-A personality, and that was a part of her. Ergo, she was the problem. She always was.

Deliberately, this time, she hit her head once more- instantaneously regretting doing so, upon feeling a sticky trickle of blood begin to fall from her forehead. A kiss of pain.

She was always the problem.

Her pragmatics, her schadenfreude, everything she'd ever achieved always having such a strong sense of Pyrrhic victory, that the achievement itself became practically nullified. She could never just be happy with what she had. She just had to pick every thing apart down to it's finest fragments. She always had to have the last word...and she always had to be right.

That's probably where it had started, but she couldn't be sure. The night wasn't so clear to her anymore- which seemed to be a strong, sick theme than colored the darker side to their relationship. A recurring issue that only ever seemed to present itself when she had reached a stage in her life where she found herself, remarkably satisfied.

Another problem.

Now that she thought harder about it, in this bitter condition, their whole relationship seemed to be more problems than it was not; created more conflict than it resolved; did more bad than good.

She didn't mean that. No. That was the sickness talking. The hangover? Had she been drinking? She didn't remember, but it sure felt that way. Or maybe it had just been a really long day yesterday, or her allergies were plaguing her, or maybe it was a twenty-four hour thing...or maybe, just maybe, Spencer Hastings had a conscience. That denied her supposed lack of morality that so many had previously assumed.

Another problem.

Another problem. Another issue. Another flaw.

That's all she was these days, a mess of flaws, contradictions and low self esteem. And problems. Lots of problems.

What had she done the night before? The days before, when things had started to become terse between the two of them, was it something she'd done, something Emily had said? Something that one of them had allowed to fester under the surface, left invisible to the oblivious other girl? Something that had grown out of proportion by too much? Had it gone too far?

Too far. Another problem.

What if she'd done something really, really stupid this time? Said something out of turn? Hurt Emily in a way that she'd never even imagined? Was it possible? What if it was irreparable? What if they never got past it? What if they were never them again?

'What' and 'if' are two of the most common words in the English language; idioms that are used without thought, and without question, in every day speech, without a second glance. Words that are so versatile, that, in the right context, and said by the right person, have the power to be both the birth and death of the day. But when in parallel to each other: they become deadly.

The phrase, 'what if' has a power unlike any other, for it attacks the vulnerability of the human conscience, playing the game by the process of divide and conquer- attacking both the elements of curiosity and logic, appealing to both before surreptitiously turning them against each other.

Like stolen glances and misplaced passion; forgotten dreams and broken promises; 'what if's' can haunt a person forever. So, think carefully, what do you want to regret?

* * *

><p>AN

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the extended length of time between updates, I just, for some reason, couldn't write this. Also, it was going to be a lot longer, but I've decided that it would be better received in two parts, so hopefully that will be finished reasonably soon.

On that note, I'd like to give a special shout out to **LittleLiarLovesEmily **who has only recently begun to read this story, but has been reviewing my other current fic, A Kiss To Build A Dream On, every time for a while, so thank you!

And to **Spinoza-Off **who I think has actually reviewed pretty much every update of mine since I started writing on this website, your reviews mean so much to me! Leading on from that, anyone who doesn't already read the story 'All The Promises' (by said author) should definitely add it to their story alert, because it's absolutely, flawlessly fantastic, every time.

Thanks for sticking with this story, is it living up to the standard that you guys expect?

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	14. The Song Remains The Same

Hello ladies and gentlemen, (mostly ladies, I think, but if there are any guys reading this, which I kind of doubt, given the nature of the pretty little liars fan base being quite female dominated, but, if there are, I would love to hear from you!)

Here's chapter fourteen, again it's tortured and cryptic, but, we're getting there. Slowly.

In case you didn't get it, the second flashback in the last update was of the night of Maya's death, which holds a certain amount of relevance regards Emily's emotions.

Oh, this is one for all the Hanna/Aria fans, it's angsty, but they're together.

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><p>Chapter Fourteen- The Song Remains The Same<p>

William Shakespeare once wrote that, 'in time, we begin to hate, what we fear'. It is a strange aphorism that presents itself on many occasions in everyday life, so covertly that, in the busy lives we lead, it becomes rendered non-existent. However, that does not, no matter how much we may wish it otherwise, remove the consequent truth that it unknowingly presents.

No inanimate object had ever looked quite so menacing as the doorbell of the Hasting's manor did in the twilight- That, to the girl standing before it, was a fact of truth. An aphorism, as the girl behind it would assert, her signature smirk gracing her lips, as her left eyebrow quirked idiosyncratically, her deep eyes twinkling with amusement.

Ah, the girl behind the door. The real problem; as opposed to the door it's self, which, in terms of representation, did indeed create a rather large issue. Confrontation. Admittance. Swallowing her pride, talking it through, coming to an understanding...maybe even discovering the real problem.

It was an all too familiar situation, in which the two girls found themselves; the both of them lost within their own emotions, frustrated with their lack of ability to communicate clearly to the other what they so desperately needed to say...and not saying anything at all, with neither girl finding herself able to remember how they'd truly gotten to the awful place in which they were. A deja vu that was no easier to deal with the second time than it was the first.

Yet here she was, once again. Standing, staring blankly at the glass, hoping that, by some stretch of the imagination, it would solve all of her problems for her; that it would miraculously create, between herself and her girlfriend, a solution to the horrific stalemate where they now where uncomfortably residing. Uncomfortably, being the operative term.

Raising her fist, she knocked tentatively against the cold, hard glass- feeling as though the harsh nature of the elements was becoming an unwelcome theme. Harder, louder, more confident. Repetitive and cold, the sound ricocheting off of the glass and oak, and swirling around her head- which was already far too cluttered from the events of the day.

The realizations of the day, and the night, to be more specific.

The noise didn't penetrate to the girl on the other side of the door, though. Even as the doorbell rang and the glass felt as though it would shatter under the force of the other girls desperation, the house within did not stir; as immune to emotion as the family who lived within it's walls.

The family who were never home. The family who didn't care- recently, much like her own. With no family, on either side, they only had each other. And that was why she was here. When no-one else did, she had to care. When Spencer was moody or upset, when she didn't turn up to school-it was her problem.

Spencer was her problem.

And she loved it that way.

With a wave of fury, the girl on the outside gave the barrier between the two of them a final pound, envisioning it crumbling to dust under her might as she did, sick of the real problem, the one that had only presented itself metaphorically to her: doors.

Doors, barriers, obstacles. Always with her on one side, and with the love of her life on the other.

'The love of her life. More like, the love of her childhood.' her mother's voice sneered inside her head, jeering at her feeble attempts to attract the attention of the problem. On and on she mocking, her scathing remarks slicing through the girl's shaking determination, scraping away at her self worth, as it had been doing since the last time they'd spoken.

But not anymore.

With the strongest urge of resentment, she slammed her fist into the door- not bothering to even look back at the blood stained window pane- before making her way stealthily to the back door, grabbing the hide-a-key, from the third plant pot to the right, and letting herself in; as she had so many times witnessed her best friend doing, when her parents had, once again, forgotten about her existence entirely- leaving her outside of their world, without a second thought.

Panic changed into adrenaline, as smoothly as oxygen did into carbon dioxide, upon shutting the door softly; her own actions, within the situation, surprising her, but finding it way too thrilling to consider it logically. Sliding off her sneakers, the girl padded across the room and up the small flight of stairs- without even considering the whereabouts of the house's other occupants, who were seldom present as it was- hesitating only for an instant prior to swinging open the door of the room that she'd come to love so much.

To find it empty.

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><p>"Tell me again why we're doing this?" Aria asked apprehensively, pouting a little but not fighting her best friend, who was drawing the curtains in her bedroom mysteriously, whilst they spoke; continuing to set up the room the way she desired it when she was done- dimming the lights, changing her clothes, pulling out several items of junk food and sliding a DVD into the player under the TV. A sleepover: old school style.<p>

"Because," The blond sang, turning back around to face her with a coy smile, "You have been on edge, and panicky, and frankly not much fun, since the whole Garrett-at-the-party thing."

The brunette rolled her eyes,  
>"Han, I'm going to explain this to you one time, and one time only. Six moths ago, our lives were being made hell by your best friend- and I know that you're hurting over that, and I'm sorry- we've all suffered a lot, and just as we were getting over it, I was almost raped by the man who, supposedly, killed our best friend and Emily's girlfriend. So forgive me for not being 'much fun', but fun is the last thing on my mind right now."<p>

"Ar, I-" The taller girl whispered, her heart sinking as she sat down next to her best friend, "I didn't know that you were still hurting so much. You've been so strong and I-" The smaller of the two laughed softly, catching the bright blue eyes shyly,  
>"Well, someone had to." She admitted, "It can't be you, Spencer's had far more than her fair share of holding it together, and there's no way Emily should have to. But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how I still have nightmares every night, about what would have happened it Spencer didn't call; it doesn't change that my dad still left me, because of what A told him; it doesn't change that, no matter how hard I try, I can't get my brother to speak to me, because I tore our family apart; or that I can't take a shower without crying, because I can still see the bruises that he left on me..." She sobbed, losing all of her false composure in a moment of safety, allowing herself to melt into the arms of her best friend, feeling safer in that moment than she had ever recalled feeling in her life.<p>

"Aria?" Hanna asked suddenly into the peaceful silence, that was not apparently allowed to settle for long, "Can you still see the bruises?" The brunette nodded softly, provoking a melancholy feeling within the both of them. Hanna swallowed hard, not having realized quite how traumatizing the attack had been for the girl beside her, "Will you show me?"

Aria froze in her arms, her dark, pain filled eyes locked eternally on those of her best friend, as she shook her head slowly from side to side, regretting it as she did. For, as much as she loved the blond, there were some things that couldn't be revealed between the two of them, for everyone's sake.

Keeping a secret from those you love is, possibly, the hardest thing in the world to be done. For those we love the most, are often the ones who know us the best. They keep us grounded when we dream, hold out hands when we're scared, and call us on it when we lie. Because they do all of those things, is why we love them as we do.

And it's exactly why the keeping of secrets is something that must be done.

Even between the best of friends.

Those who said that they were close, were ignorant to the truth: nescient to their intimacy, and blind to the sparks that flew between the two of them. No one could ever fully understand just how deep their love for each other ran, or how far the protective streak that each had acquired upon the formation of their friendship.

Or just how much they knew about each other.

Past the secrets entombed in their diaries went those hidden in the eyes of the other; those that could not be spoken allowed, delving into the depths of the ocean of the unknown. The secrets that made their skin crawl, and their tears form...those that could only be told to the other.

"Please, Aria?" She whispered, her voice so incredibly raw that it almost broke through her artificial obstinacy. Gulping back her desire to break, she shook her head again, denying the blond any further contact and reaching for the other girls hoodie, that was laying innocently on the bed, making her decision final.

Even without the contact, they were close.

There was an invisible tie between them: elastic in nature and imperceptible in sight, a thread that tied the two together in a way that no virtual existence could. It was a connection that went beyond physicality, and far deeper into the realms of fate- a strong so force, it appeared, to the naked eye of an outsider, to be impenetrable.

Though, like iron and steel, the tie could only be broken, by what it, itself, was formed of.

* * *

><p>The unknown scares the majority of people, those who make themselves sick with worry and about what's to come. If you think that you can be above all that you're wrong. No matter how many times you said "nothing is going to beat me now, I've seen it all", guess again. Fear lies in the unknown, and fear makes people act in the most various ways. We are all hostages of fate, and the next years, months or seconds cannot be predicted. All that remains for you to do is wait, pray and fight…<p>

The ghostly pace of the world seems to be moving forward without looking back. It feels no remorse, it has already passed and left you standing helpless, without anything to hang on to. The future is still unwritten and the opportunities may lay ahead, but only a sheer strength of will can make you worthy again. If you fail, you pick yourself up and try again.

Unless you're Spencer Hastings, that is.

If you're Spencer Hastings, or any Hastings, for that matter, you never fail. You're born with perfection thrust upon you, both an expectation and a burden, that will follow you for the rest of your life, in everything you ever endeavor to do.

She didn't know what had gone wrong, or how: it had all been so perfectly planned, immaculately calculated down to the finest of details, ensuring that, no matter what obstacles lay in the way, she would get what she intended on getting, living the life that she'd designed for herself in the precise way that she'd designed it. This, was merely a complication, a surprise.

She hated surprises.

Even as a little girl, when her birthday had come around, or it was drawing nearer to Christmas, she'd always had a list, or a plan: an arrangement of exactly what she wanted and how to get it. Anything unplanned was unwanted.

Much like this.

"Hey, you're awake." Whispered the voice of comfort in her ear, as she shifted uncomfortably around, for the first time not recalling how she got there, or why she ached so badly. Her eyes fluttered open once more, but her vision was too blurry to decipher one thing from the next- everything was an abstract mess of color and light, unorganized, messy.

"Hmmm," She moaned, rolling over onto her side and drawing her knees up to her chest, regardless of the pain she was experiencing in her ribs. It hurt her to breathe, rendering her lightheaded and decidedly nauseous whenever she did. With a sharp inhalation, she screamed, involuntarily allowing two, long suppressed, tears to slip down her cheeks as she did; hyperventilating, she raised her hand subconsciously to her chest, clutching at the space above her heart, in a feeble attempt to dull the throbbing ache that had taken to residing there.

"Oh my God!" The other girl screamed, paralyzed with both fear and regret, wishing to take back all of the thoughts that had lead her to be where she was, as she watched the girl she loved writhe in agony; completely impotent in terms of relieving her.

With shaking hands, she stroked the tears from her pale cheeks, brushing back the long, dark hair that had fallen into her eyes; able to feel the tremors pulsing through the other girls body wildly, paradoxically spurring her on.

"Spence," She whispered in her ear frantically, failing to keep calm as the worst filled her mind, "Spencer?" Knowing fully that she shouldn't move the frenzied girl beside her, but unable to stay away. "Spencer, can you hear me?"

It all became too much.

She felt the sudden surge of strength rush through her body; only to be replaced by an even stronger weakness. Her face turned scarlet, her eyelids pricking with hot tears as the color darkened, the salty sorrow boiling further, directly proportional to the contrast of her face, until they reached such a climax that she felt for sure they'd scold the sight out of her eyes. Metaphorically, she was blind already.

She sensed Emily's hand against her back, and heard her speak, but the sound was muffled and faint, as if it were coming from a long distance, from underwater, or a bad telephone connection.

A communication breakdown.

Her legs kicked out wildly, her hips bucking off of the mattress as the newest wave of pain coursed through her veins, scaring her girlfriend stiff once more. A second scream sneaking stealthily past her lips, fighting her own hands, that were pinning her to the bed.

In that moment of agony, Spencer Hastings was convinced that she would never breathe again.

The throe caused her her to spin manically, chasing her to the largest momentum that she could manage and throwing her off without a warning: pulling her to an immediate standstill and laughing as she was catapulted forward into a sea of unknown anguish.

But the paroxysm was nothing in comparison to her heartache: that her own body, and nothing else, could cause her this much pain. There were no drugs, or artificial elements in the equation: solely Spencer.

But that shouldn't have been surprising for her.

She was always the problem.

William Shakespeare once wrote, that 'to love, is not to find the perfect person, but to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly'. If what he spoke was true, then Emily Fields had found the person with whom she'd spend the rest of her life. In sickness, and in health. For better, for worse.

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><p>AN

*ducks from flying objects*

So, this chapter may have had a sense of avoiding the point, but I swear that you will find out what is going on with Spencer (and with Aria too, for that matter) soon, I promise!

The more reviews, the quicker you'll find out...if that's any incentive to review :)

Thanks to Spinoza-off, as always your words inspire me; liquorinthefront88, your review was awesome, thank you; shaygleelover  no, thank you for reading and reviewing! It means a lot; anon, sorry you're confused, but that means my plan is working ;) haha, just kidding, it'll all become clear soon enough, probably in the next update, actually.

Thank you all for reading, favoriting, or whatever else you may have done regards this, or my other story, A Kiss To Build A Dream On.

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	15. Break a Perfectly Good Heart

Firstly, apologies for the delay in uploading this chapter; secondly, can anyone guess what's wrong with Spencer? Hint: It is hidden in the details; also, the last two or three chapter titles have had a relevant theme.

You guys all enjoying season three?

Although it's a little bit of a filler chapter, I personally don't think it's too bad, so...I hope that you all like it enough to review it :)

Enjoy!

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><p>Chapter Fifteen- Why Would You Want To Break A Perfectly Good Heart?<p>

"Are you sure that there's nothing I can do?" Emily said, pacing her girlfriend's bedroom floor in circles, wringing her hands in frustration, as she glanced periodically at the thin brunette laying propped up on pillows in her bed,  
>"Em, for the last time, I'm absolutely certain that there is nothing you can get me, but, when there is something I need, you'll be the first to know." She satirized, shaking her head and trying to ignore the dizzy sensation that it caused as she did.<br>"Not even a drink, or another pillow?" The tan girl pleaded, dropping down on the bed beside the paler girl and taking one of her hands in her own, playing with Spencer's long, thin fingers gently, as if she were a toy that may break at her touch.

"I'm still not thirsty," She giggled, her big brown eyes doing a good job of pretending that she was fine, "And I don't think we have anymore pillows in the house." Gesturing around her at the myriad of cushions that Emily had positioned to make her as comfortable as possible, making the other girl laugh reluctantly;  
>"I just want to make sure that you're okay," She pouted slightly, focusing all of her attention on the ring her girlfriend was wearing, "After seeing you like that...it scared me, that's all."<p>

"Ah, yeah, that," Spencer brushed off, waving her hand flippantly and laughing, in order to ease the tension in the room, "That was nothing. In my professional opinion, that is." She joked, reaching out to tip her girlfriend's chin up, inhaling sharply as she did and immediately recoiling, clutching involuntarily at her ribs. "Come to think of it, some more pain meds might be nice." She suggested.

Emily sighed, looking pitifully at the girl that she loved,  
>"Unfortunately," She confessed, "That's the only thing I can't give you. You had one lot an hour ago, and until we know what's wrong with you, that is."<p>

Now it was the brunette's turn to pout; rubbing tenderly at her ribs, she winced whenever she pressed to hard, and Emily noticed the few tears that slipped down her cheeks with every labored breath,  
>"Hey, is it still hurting you?" She asked gently, moving a little closer to her girlfriend and looking up and down her beautiful body, "Can I have a look?"<p>

The brunette wheezed a little, nodding once before the lightheaded feeling returned once more. Deciding that it was now unbearable, she squeezed her eyes shut and relished in the natural painkiller that her girlfriend's hands provided against her skin, as they moved carefully along her torso, making her shiver instinctively.

"Can you breath deep for me, Spence?" She asked thoughtfully, laying both of her hands over her diaphragm and listening hard as her girlfriend did as she was told; noticing a slight shudder, and rattling noise emitting from her lungs as she did.  
>"Is that okay?" The brunette asked heavily, struggling to continue to do as instructed.<p>

"Yep," Emily murmured perplexed, "Your chest sounds awful, Spence." The thinner girl shrugged, opening her eyes again and working through the blurred vision that it created,  
>"I know, it's been troubling me a little lately." The taller girl nodded sympathetically, picking up her girlfriend's laptop and opening it on her lap.<p>

"What are you doing?" The smaller girl asked quizzically, craning her neck forward to see the screen. Emily smiled, glancing back at her girlfriend before beginning to type,  
>"Googling your symptoms," She informed her casually, directing her attention to the screen and searching for the right keys. Spencer froze, color draining from her face, biting her lip in hard thought.<br>"No!" She shouted, leaning over and closing the laptop, shaking her head at the quizzical look that she earned from her girlfriend, "No, I mean, I'm hungry, can you make me something to eat?"

Emily raised her eyebrows a little, flicking her gaze between the offending technological device and her oddly behaved girlfriend;  
>"Sure..." She sounded slowly, narrowing her eyes at the brunette, who simply smiled goofily and nodded, "I guess you really should be hungry by now, what would you like?"<br>"Hmmm," she giggled, looking around the room for inspiration and tapping her chin theatrically in thought, "Something that tastes good."  
>Emily rolled her eyes at the comment, climbing off of the bed and standing beside it, her hands on her hips in authority as she surveyed the smaller girl,<br>"Chicken soup?" She suggested, knowing well that it was a surefire cure for any sickness,  
>"Eww," The sick girl moaned, "Em, I said something that tasted good." She emphasized the last word dramatically, shaking her head playfully.<br>"Salad?" Her girlfriend asked innocently, teasing her with her feigned ignorance as to what the girl really wanted. Sure enough, the brunette's face scrunched up in disgust, pulling a laugh out of the taller girl; who knew Spencer well enough to know, both exactly what she wanted, and how to tease her adequately.  
>"No? Well, then, how about a grilled cheese sandwich, with the crusts cut off and tomato on the side?" She suggested, somewhat seductively, moving her face closer to Spencer's with every syllable.<br>"With cranberry juice?"  
>Emily laughed lightly at her girlfriend's hopeful tone,<br>"You can have anything you'd like." She promised, ruffling her soft hair and kissing her forehead, before turning out of the room.

The sick girl continued to smile falsely, craning her head round the doorway until her girlfriend had disappeared from sight completely. Once she was certain, she flipped open her laptop, deleting her history quickly as she worked on her phone with the other hand, finding the familiar number with ease and holding it o her ear;  
>"Hi, it's Spencer," She began once the device had stopped ringing, "Listen, I need your help..."<p>

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><p>Once she'd eaten, Emily found that Spencer was looking a lot better, but she could tell that the vast majority of her newly acquired health was faked, in order to ease her worry. Smiling at her girlfriend, she took the empty plate from her lap and placed it on the brunette's cluttered desk, drawing her curtains and closing her bedroom door too, turning out the main light and allowing her bedside lamp to dimly light the room.<p>

"Em?" The thinner girl called out softly into the darkness, reaching for the hand of the girl in the darkness, touching sloppily against her thigh, "Emily? You are staying here tonight, aren't you?" Closing her eyes at the note of vulnerability hidden in her girlfriend's voice, Emily smiled a little, nodding as she did; `she always got the same distinct feeling with Spencer, that it was only she who was allowed to see her this way: so open, raw...exposed.

"Of course." She promised, with an unbreakable sincerity, opening her eyes again in the dark room and locking them on the brunette's- the only thing that she could see clearly in the absence of light, "I wouldn't leave." Never moving her gaze, she began to slowly unbutton her jeans, slipping them easily down her muscular legs and letting them crumple to the floor at her feet, stepping out of them, she reached for her hoodie and pulled it clean from her body, tossing it playfully over the smaller girl's face and breaking her concentration.

"Drooling, much?" She giggled, climbing into the bed beside her, rolling her eyes as Spencer pulled the garment off and threw it to the floor to join her jeans,  
>"What? No naked Emily in my bed?" She pouted.<br>"Sorry babe, you're still sick, and we don't know what's wrong with you yet, so no, no sex tonight." She reasoned, tapping her best friend's pouted lips,  
>"But please!" The other girl whined, rolling over towards Emily and brushing her nose against her own, "It might make me better?" Her girlfriend laughed loudly,<br>"How is sex going to make you feel better?" She asked incredulously, her deep eyes wide with mirth and interest, "Please, enlighten me."

"Well," The brunette cleared her throat, narrowing her eyes and lowering her lips to Emily's seductively, "If we work hard enough, I can sweat out my fever." She suggested, trailing her fingertips across the toned abdominal muscles that the tan girl had developed from swimming,  
>"You don't even have a fever." Her girlfriend laughed, rapping her firmly on the nose; Spencer laughed, her temples creasing into three tiny lines across her pale skin, mirroring the dimples which presented themselves on the odd occasion that the brunette smiled as wide as she was then. When she smiled that way, her bright white teeth, so square and symmetrical, were framed by her naturally tinted lips, which widened in a way that pushed her thin, defined cheekbones up into the valley of her eyes.<p>

That smile was Emily's drug.

"Em?" Spencer yawned, flicking her eyes up to allow them to rest on the other girl's own, "I want to stay up and talk all night, like we used to when we had sleepovers...when we were kids." The tan girl smiled, pulling her girlfriend down to her chest, her heart fluttering as the long brown hair scattered across her bare skin,  
>"I'd like that too, Spence," She admittedly, grinning against her hair, "But it's getting late, and you're really tired..." The brunette started to protest, but an incriminating yawn escaped her lips as she did. "Shh," The taller girl soothed, "Just sleep. Yo need your energy, we have a lot to do between now and forever."<p>

Spencer smiled sleepily, nestling down into Emily's arms safely,  
>"Forever?" She whispered into the dark unknown,<br>"Forever, always, and everything in between."

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><p>"Ugh." Aria moaned, rolling over onto her side and opening one eye partially, only to close it quickly again in the garish light of day, that was streaming through the window, ignoring the efforts of Hanna's drawn curtains, "Wow, it's bright in here." Shaking the sleep from her head, she sat up slowly, waiting for the room to come into focus as she awoke entirely. Surprised, she scanned the, otherwise, empty bed, licking her dry lips in though before turning to the other side of the room in a sleepy daze.<p>

"Han, why are you out of bed already, you never wake up this early." She groaned, catching sight of he best friend on the other side of the room. The blond was standing in front of the closet in nothing but her underwear, surveying it's contents. Rolling her eyes, the brunette smiled at her thin figure, remembering a time when, a much more self conscious version of, Hanna wouldn't have been seen undressed if her life depended on it. That was the thing that had set her apart from the other girls, and had, perhaps, in making her less close to Alison, had made her more vulnerable to her manipulation.

"Seriously, it's six thirty." She pressed on to no avail, as the taller girl remained silent and stock still, only moving her hands slightly. Sighing, Aria swung her legs over the side of the bed, shivering as her bare feet touched the soft, cool carpet.

Only as she began to pad across the room did she notice the slight differences in the room; the tell tale signs that things weren't as normal as they should have been. Her hair was slightly greasy now, and there was a towel slung lazily on the floor, several outfits crumpled beside it and a smashed frame had littered it's fragmented glass on top of the pieces of a ripped photograph.

"Hanna?" The smaller girl asked quietly, placing her hand on her bare shoulder. She didn't look at Aria until she was stood right in front of her; her lip was trembling and her eyes were red and puffy, swollen in their sockets as they'd been drenched in the salts of sadness. In her shaking hands was her cell phone, the ever offending device. "Oh God..." The shorter of the two whispered, feeling sick to her stomach as she looked at what the four of them had all come to view as an instrument of torture. "Is it starting again?"

Hanna's face fell, as a few straggling tears made their way down her face, her lips pursed in defiant defeat whilst she shook her head,  
>"N-no," She groaned, her voice strained and nauseous, "No-o." She screamed, finally losing all vestiges of control and letting the proverbial weight upon her shoulders send her crashing to the ground.<br>"Oh Han," Aria whispered, crouching beside her best friend and pulling her body towards her own, resting the blond's forehead heavily on her shoulder, taking the weight of her sorrow almost entirely. "It's going to be okay."

"I-it's n-not A." The distraught girl choked out, grasping onto her best friend's tiny body as if everything she believed in was slipping away from her. The brunette's forehead crinkled in deep thought, attempting to decipher the clue she'd just received, "It's not them again."  
>"Honey, I don't get it," Aria coaxed, stroking the tangled blond mass of curls as she spoke to soothe the blond; shakily, the girl in her arms passed her the device still clutched in her hand.<p>

Tentatively, the smaller girl pried it from her fingers, slowly reclining until she, too, was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed to support both herself and her best friend,  
>"Can I read?" She asked gently, not wanting to overstep any boundaries- not that boundaries and Hanna ever went together particularly well- by invading her privacy. Upon receiving a small nod of consent, she clicked upon the cell with ease, typing in the blond's password without hesitation to find the intended message.<p>

**Hanna, I'm sorry, but I just can't do this anymore. One day, maybe, but right now neither of us are in the right place for this. I'm sorry. -Caleb.**

"Oh honey," Aria sympathized, rubbing her hand over the small of her back in comfort, whispering softly in her ear in between placing coy kisses on her temple, something that she knew- from many years experience- calmed her drastically.

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><p>What is possibly the strangest aspect of the world in which we live, is the continual change that is presents. Civilization is an oddity in itself, filled with a mass of contradictions and judgement; decisions and actions, which will later come to define those whom they affect directly. It is eternal- the cycle in which people are trapped by their own catch-22, with no escape of the never ending instability that is the human race.<p>

There is never a still moment on the planet; someone, somewhere, is always thinking, breathing, moving. Someone is being born, and someone is dying, many, are making life changing decisions, and regretting them a split second after it's too late. All of them too lost between the truth and their dreams.

Change is inevitable.

What is imperative to remember is that, with every change that occurs, the person that it has affected will never be the same again. And it is when a time of great change comes, that the extent of morality is tested, and that true colors are shown...in that desperate moment, who will you be?

Every second, a heart beats twice. Every minute, a person takes nineteen breaths. Every hour, eyes blink seven hundred and twenty six times. Every day, our fingernails grow by zero point zero, zero seven inches. Every year, by each person, three million, and six hundred thousand steps are taken. Every seven years, every single cell in the body disappears; every seven years...we disappear.

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><p>AN

Hey guys, I'm sorry this update has taken so long! On top of finals, my wrist is totally painful right now, so apologies for the delay.

But I hope it was worth the wait?

I know t's taking me forever to get to the point, but we're getting there now, it should be in the next chapter that Spencer's storyline really takes off, so prepare for Spemily angst and a lot of drama: though I'm really hoping that you guys have at least some idea as to what's going on with her?

I want to say a huge thank you to every one who's reviewed this story over the last fifteen chapters, you guys are incredible. On that note, ten reviews for both an M scene and to find out what's going on with Spence? What do you say, does that sound fair?

Oh, and does anyone have any guesses as to who Spencer was talking to on the phone/ why she didn't want Emily to see her computer history?

Until next time,  
>~LaughLoveLiveXx<p> 


	16. Never Miss a Beat

Hey guys, now, before we get on with the chapter I have to say this.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, needs to go and vote for the teen choice awards! Troian, Lucy, Ian and Janel are all nominated, and PLL is nominated for best drama...so, if you haven't already, go vote! You can vote everyday :)

And I cannot believe that this story broke 100 reviews, that makes me happier than you could ever know! Thanks so much to anyone who has reviewed :)

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><p>Chapter Sixteen- Never Miss A Beat<p>

"Alright ladies," The coach called out, entering the locker room with a stereotypical, gym teacher scowl plastered across her face. Several lockers slammed, pulling the less enthusiastic girls out of their fantasies of being somewhere, anywhere, else. "I need you out on the playing field in three minutes."

"Crap." Hanna muttered, banging her head deliberately against her locker in frustration, "I still can't remember my combo." Spencer rolled her eyes from the other side of the bench, grabbing the blond's wrist and digging around in her duffle bag with the other,  
>"Here," She murmured, finally producing a black Sharpie, "Now you can't forget. Zero four, six eight, eleven. See?" She scribbled the digits across her forearm as she said them, the letters prominent against the other girls pale skin.<br>"Thanks a bunch." She muttered sarcastically, sulking over to the locker that her best friend had opened for her and shoving her oversize bag inside of it.

"Hey, Spence?" Aria smiled, finishing tying her shoes and climbing off of the bench, "Do you know what we're playing today?"  
>"I hope it's not volleyball, Spencer kicks my ass at that." Hanna moaned, leaning bag against the wall indignantly.<br>"I kick your ass at everything." The brunette reminded her with a smirk.

"It's hockey." Emily settled, preventing the retort that was forming on the blond's lips, as she sauntered into the locker room, already dressed for gym and half soaked in sweat.  
>"Oh, great." Hanna groaned, receiving a resulting push, from Aria, in the direction of the door.<p>

"So you're joining us today?" Spencer asked hopefully, sitting down on the bench that she'd just changed on, and taking her girlfriend's hand in hers,  
>"Yep," Emily grinned, sitting down closely beside her, "The pool's closed today. I spent last period in the gym." The brunette smiled, reaching over and grabbing the edge of her best friend's T-shirt, lifting it up a little,<br>"You should more often," She informed her, with an air of professionalism as she stared at her muscular stomach, "Abs look good on you."  
>"They're not the only thing that looks good on me."<p>

"Well, we might just find that out." The smaller girl returned, "I'm sure that shin guards and hockey socks look equally good." The tan girl scowled at the lack of sexuality in their conversation now, sending her a disappointed look. Spencer gestured around the room, pointing out the few remaining girls of their gym class who were still loitering there, and perking up their interaction so as to seem sports related, "I bet I'm team captain." She asserted self righteously, making Emily laugh.  
>"You always are." The taller girl giggled, taking the brunette's hand again, as she moved her face closer, giving her lips access to her ear,<br>"If I am," She whispered, her pale lips brushing against the cartilage of her girlfriend's ear as she did, "Will you do exactly as I tell you?" There was a suggestive glance passed between the two, the both of them questioning what classed as flirting and what went as far as foreplay,  
>"That depends on what position you want me in, boss."<p>

Foreplay. That was foreplay.

And if it wasn't, the position of Emily's hand definitely was.

"Well," Spencer swallowed, "If you play defense, you'll be right behind me."

With her eyes comically wide at the insinuation, Emily flicked her gaze around the, now empty, locker room mischievously, listening carefully, as she did, for any kind of movement.

On an impulse, she grabbed Spencer's hands and ducked behind the lockers, throwing her girlfriend into one of the empty equipment closets,  
>"Wait, what?" The brunette exclaimed, turning in confusion to face the younger girl, who had busied herself with locking the closet door, ignoring the brunette's exclamations,<br>"Will you keep your voice down?" She hissed, pressing her against the wall with an unusual amount of force, and beginning to kiss softly along the tender flesh of her exposed neck, trailing her fingertips up her left thigh- thankful, for the first time, for how revealing the regulation gym shorts were.

"Really?" The thinner girl asked in surprise, quivering with excitement as she gazed, bewildered at her girlfriend. Emily didn't answer verbally, thrusting her wavering hand the remaining distance underneath the thin cotton garment, toying with the edge of the smaller girl's underwear.  
>"Lace?" She whispered huskily, astonished at her girlfriend's choice in attire for school,<br>"Yeah," She panted in reply, "I was wondering if you wanted to come over after school." Both girl's giggled, finding the laughter to be a unique aphrodisiac for the both of them.

Subsequent to the dry laughter, the dominant girl began to lengthen her methods, making her taunting fingers dance along the length of the provocative material. The brunette moaned emphatically under her touch, twisting her face to find her girlfriend's teasing lips, seizing them and biting down hard on her bottom lip, in unison with the long awaited thrust from the instigator. Slipping her tongue into her throat, the tan girl barely managed to stifle the scream that the smaller girl emitted, her senses entirely unbridled in their current state of arousal.

"Keep your voice down!" Emily instructed harshly, "Kiss me again." Becoming more and more turned on by the second, the smaller girl complied- this time feeling for her tongue sensually, overcome with gratitude that her shy girlfriend was becoming so much more adventurous with their sex life.

Her tongue and her finger's worked in perfect symmetry; circling and pressing- finding somewhere, in the midst of the aroused confoundment- the perfect balance of pressure and sensitivity that Spencer had sought all her life. That perfect balance was Emily herself: her drive, her compassion, her ambition, her loyalty...her love.

The brunette felt her legs begin to stiffen suddenly, the tell tale sign that she was close now, oh so very close. The taller girl sensed it, too, relaxing her hand a little, showing the thinner girl the comfort that could be found in pure passion, as she scooped her other hand around the back of her neck, blindly undoing her ponytail and allowing her long brown locks to cascade over her shoulder's in a way that the younger girl found incredibly erotic.

Seeing Spencer that way sparked something inside of her, a passionate gratitude at the knowledge that she, and she alone, had the privilege of seeing someone so perfected in such a state of disarray. But even in her unkempt, uncontrolled state, she looked more perfect than Emily had every seen anybody else.

Pressing down hard on her clit, Emily swirled her long fingers inside the body that she had come to know so well, at last feeling a wave of heat coating the shore of her hand.

"I'm so glad that you're not sick anymore." She grinned, slowly sliding her soaking hand out of her girlfriend and fixing her underwear back in place, failing to notice the flash of anxiety that appeared on Spencer's face at the comment.

* * *

><p>"There you two are." The coach groaned disapprovingly, scowling as the pair finally made their way out onto the playing field, "You've missed warming up."<br>"It's okay, Coach," Spencer grinned, "I mean, I don't know about Emily, but I'm plenty warmed up as it is." Swallowing a fresh bout of arousal, Emily smiled and nodded, surreptitiously kicking her girlfriend in the shin as soon as the older woman had turned her attention back to the rest of the class.

At the blast of the whistle, the apathetic group of teenagers came to a halt, beginning to trudge back across the playing field, that they'd been running laps around, until the coach signaled for them to stop. They, at that moment, were divided into the same two halves as all other gym classes across the world were: those who were out of breath from the warm up, and those who were smirking at them.

"Right, team captains, I need two straight lines. First, Hastings." She declared, directing the smug brunette towards the stack of hockey sticks, "And second, Marin." Hanna shook in her in astonishment, glancing confusedly around her,  
>"What? Me?" She asked, pointing a perfectly manicured finger at herself,<br>"Yes, you, barbie." The coach groaned, giving the blond a gentle shove in Spencer's direction, "It can be your punishment for the bruise you gave Ms. McCullers earlier."

Spencer sniggered at the revelation, covertly knocking fists with her best friend as she came to stand beside her. The brunette had always held a great deal of animosity for the swimmer, ever since they'd played JV hockey together, earning her self an equal reciprocation of hatred after she convinced the team to name a penalty after the girl. Such resentment harbored at just four feet tall had all but multiplied like cancerous cells, in the years that had followed.

"Hastings," Coach snapped, giving her whistle a short, sharp blast, "First pick." Spencer grinned, scanning the group of girl's she'd known since kindergarten to find her favorite face,  
>"Emily Fields, coach." She chose, catching her girlfriend's eyes momentarily as she began to cross the pitch, taking her place happily a little too closely behind her captain. Hanna rolled her eyes,<br>Now, there's a surprise." She satirized, beginning to examine her cuticles, rather than her options.  
>"Aria." She said blandly, not even rewarding anyone else with a glance as the smallest girl skipped towards her with a contradictory moan trilling from her lips.<br>"This is so not fair." She asserted, resting her head on her best friend's shoulder, "We don't even stand a chance."

The game began cleanly, with Spencer on top form in her forward position, treating every second like an Olympic final in eager anticipation for the hockey season to start again. After having brought their score up respectably against the other team's, the brunette went in for the kill; squaring off against the only girl who she viewed as a possible rival, both regards the sport and other aspects of life.

With the ball in her possession, the girl's skilled feet pounded with assurance to the beat of her pulse, her breathing as shallow as the feather light touches her sneakers were making against the field, and her eyes narrowed against the unusually strong sun.

Her opponent was closing in. The broad shoulders of the other girl were held rigid in a position that the team captain could find myriad flaws with- but, no matter how inadequate it may have been, it successfully blocked Spencer's view of the other goal. Blinded in the front, she didn't dare look round, knowing that would leave her open, in more ways than one, for Paige to steal from her.

With a sudden wave of claustrophobia, her pace quickened, her direction and accuracy decreasing with every step as she fought her way out of the cage the game had erected around her. Tripping against the ball, her calves burned as they collided solidly with the taught, unforgiving wood of the hockey stick.

The pain in her chest returned; tearing her apart from the inside out as she fought for the right to breathe. Acid filled her lungs and someone stabbed her repeatedly straight through the heart, merciless to her cries and cruel to her weakness.

_"No sport."_

Curling her knees up to her chest, in the fetal position that had, before, helped so much, she took in a few deep breaths, crying out each time the rush of air hit her lungs with too much force. The palpitations in her heart increased, pushing against her ribs, forcing the irrepressible beats back into her chest.

_"No strenuous or sexual activity."_

Tears flowed steadily from her tightly squeezed shut eyes, coating her pale skin with the salty droplets, that trickled down her chest uncomfortably, making her writhe against the feeling of being touched by an uncontrollable force- being hurt by herself in an unstoppable manner.

_"Or, you could take the test."_

And, with no warning whatsoever...it all stopped. The world stopped spinning. Her breath stopped coming. Her heart...stopped beating.

* * *

><p><em>The car screeched to a halt, fitting into a space barely and reminding the driver that she needed to get that noise checked out. Beside her, a similar car was already parked, square in the space it was occupying, as if the marking's had been drawn around it. Checking her watch, the driver snorted with disgust; one minute past their agreed time- she was late. But of course, she wasn't perfect. As she was constantly reminded.<em>

_Counting to ten in an attempt to calm herself, she swung open the driver's door and stepped out into the brisk air, slamming the door shut again in a need to remove some of her frustration. Without moving her hand._

_With a muttered curse, the girl looked down at her smallest finger sadly; it was swollen and red, but she'd get past that- at least she was in the right place. She swallowed back the tears that had risen to her throat and began to walk as solidly as she could toward the other car; rapping her knuckles sharply against the window so as to startle the driver sufficiently- today, she was in control._

_Th air was silent and still as the two walked together across the parking lot, each of them now remembering how things were between them the last time that they'd seen each other and wondering why they'd thought that this had been a good idea. It was never going to end well._

_Their footsteps changed somewhat as they left the asphalt of the parking lot, becoming softer against the linoleum of the hospital floor. But they were still the only noise that could be heard from either of them; even among the day to day noise of the hospital's patients and staff, everything seemed eerily silent, almost representing the awkward hostility harbored between them from their last encounter. _

_"This does affect you too, you know." She bit toward her partner as they entered a room together, watching the other person sit as she stayed standing, folding her arms obliquely across her chest. _

_"Maybe...possibly. But not as much as it affects you." _

"Hey, baby." Emily whispered gently, lifting her hand, from where it had been resting against the white sheets of the bed, up to her girlfriend's confused face,  
>"Nice of you to finally join us." Hanna smirked from her other side, only to be rewarded with a smack to the arm from Aria. Spencer smiled as best she could, enjoying the company of her best friends voices.<p>

"W-w-where?" She stammered, her mouth aching and her tongue completely dry, making it almost impossible for her speak, "Drink." She choked out, her voice sounding thick and not the least bit attractive in the slightest way; her girlfriend murmured sympathetically, taking a bottle of water out of her purse and unscrewing it quickly- with one hand behind the brunette's head, she lifted the bottle to her lips slowly, holding it there for a few seconds to allow Spencer to drink.

"Why- wha- how?" She stuttered, looking confusedly around the brightly lit room in a daze, "I don't remember anything after gym." The blond snorted across the room,  
>"Well, that figures." She laughed dryly, "You know, since you passed out on the hockey pitch."<br>"Wait. I did what?" She asked, startled.

Emily sighed, moving from her chair to sit on the bed beside her girlfriend and cupping her face in her hand,  
>"Yeah, you looked pretty sick, honey...so I spoke to your doctor and he said..."<p>

_"It might affect you just as much." She retorted, her hands on her hips now in defiance. Her company scowled with the dry laugh that had always gotten to Spencer more than she would have liked,  
>"I'm not the one with the symptoms." <em>

_The bickering pair were interrupted at that moment by a tall, dark doctor, walking through the door in a strict business manner and setting down a pile of books on table, alongside a vast range of hostile looking equipment.  
>"It's nice to see the both of you." He greeted politely, "I've somewhat been expecting at least one of you to see me soon." <em>

_"Yeah, well, it would have been one of us if I hadn't called," Spencer informed him, "But I thought that we'd be helping out each other as much as ourselves by coming together, after all, we both seem to frequent this building."  
>He laughed heartily, attempting, and failing, to set the pair at ease.<em>

_"Relax, both of you." He insisted, finally sitting down across from where the two were sat in acrimonious unity, "There's no business for now, just a talk."_  
><em>"Talking's good." A nervous Spencer murmured, her heart, ironically, beating rather fast as she spoke. She reached across the chair subtly, taking the free hand next to her and squeezing it tight. <em>

_Their relationship had never been easy; perhaps because they were too similar, or because neither of them had ever been very good at being vulnerable. Not even with each other. But now, with so much at stake, and so much weakness in her eyes, she couldn't help but clutching on to her chosen supporter. _  
><em>"Now, you called about a cardiological problem?" <em>

"Wait. You talked to my doctor?" Spencer fired at Emily, her thoughts recoiling to the present minutes, "What about? What did you ask?"  
>"Jeez." Hanna smirked, "Defensive <em>much?"<em> Aria smacked her again,  
>"Guys, we're going to go and...yeah." the brunette murmured, grabbing the blond's hand at the sensed tension and pointing to the door,<p>

"Oh, you know, work and the weather, that kind of thing." Emily drawled sarcastically, sounding more like Spencer than herself. "Spence, we spoke about you collapsing out of nowhere and being brought into the hospital, that's what we talked about."  
>"What did he tell you?" The brunette sighed, her bottom lip beginning to tremble at the prospect of the conversation they were about to have.<br>Out of all of the people in her life, Emily had been the last person that she wanted to have this conversation with. She needed to talk to someone, badly, but with everything that her girlfriend had been dealing with, it didn't seem to be the best conversation to bring up- not since she was still on edge about her mother's abandoment. There was Aria, but she was still dealing with her parents divorce and the Garrett thing, plus she'd made Hanna and Caleb's unceremonious break up her personal basket case. And Hanna, herself? She loved the blond with all her heart, but, in a crisis, she was never the best person to call on- as Ali had once said, if her house was on fire, Hanna would roast marshmallows.  
>It hadn't really left her with many options.<p>

_"So, you know that this is passed down genetically, with a fifty percent chance of inheritance. Now, we don't have any records available on your parents, but, personally, I think that you did the right thing in coming to me. Not that you need to be particularly worried, I mean, I deal with this sort of thing everyday. Unfortunately, it does mean that, if you test positive, competitive sport and high speed lifestyles are, for now, out of the question, right?" He smiled, unaware that, in that moment, he may have possibly just delivered the most difficult news for either of them to handle. _  
><em>"Now, we'll run some tests, shall we? Who's first?" He asked expectantly, glancing between them, "Shall we say eldest first, Melissa?"<em>

"More to the point, what aren't you telling me?" Emily snapped, putting heavy emphasis on the 'you', sending pangs of guilt down Spencer's chest, "Why don't you trust me?"  
>The thinner girl closed her eyes in dismay, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth in the deepest thought.<br>"Em, come here." She whispered, her free hand- the one that wasn't connected to the monitor- outstretched for Emily to take. Reluctantly, the taller girl took it in her's, allowing her girlfriend to lead her back to the bed to sit beside her.

"Firstly, I don't want you to ever think that I don't trust you. Ever. You hear me?" She asked firmly, doing her best to cup her girlfriend's face in her hand, but struggling due to the hospital wires that were attached firmly, "I trust you, and I love you, more than anybody else on the planet. Okay? More than my family and my friends, I love you, Em."

The taller girl nodded, blinking back tears of anxiety as she tentatively locked her gaze on Spencer's,  
>"The other day, Emily, when I was sick, and today...it wasn't nothing. And I knew that. But, with everything going on with you lately; swimming, school, make up tests, everything with your mom...I didn't want to worry you."<p>

Her gaze melted and it became harder and harder to suppress her tears, forcing her to stop fighting and let them flow. With all her passion, she squeezed on the hand that she was still holding, leaning in simultaneously to kiss her best friend fiercely.  
>"I'm always worrying about you." She admitted, "And nothing is ever going to change that. I never want you to feel like you can't come to me. For anything. You got that?"<p>

Spencer smiled weakly, stealing another quick kiss from the girl opposite her, making both of them giggle as she did. As the laughter dissolved into the air, the girls were left with the feeling of expectant anxiety and confusion that they had both come to know so well/

"Em, it wasn't just a sickness." She admitted, choking back tears as she looked away, ashamedly from her girlfriend, "It wasn't just a sickness. It's my heart."

* * *

><p>AN

Okay, so I know that this hasn't been the quickest update, but it was super important to get that out of the way. The next chapter will be up as soon as possible as I'm done with finals now. You'll see more of Haleb in the next update, and way more about Spencer's new revelation.

Review?

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	17. All I Can Breathe Is Your Life

Chapter Seventeen- All I Can Breathe Is Your Life

It is a common misconception among those who deem themselves well learned within the realms of literature, that there are a limited number of plots within fiction; that, in each story told, the same scenes are replayed, identical morals conveyed, and synonymous questions are asked.

They're wrong.

In any story, from any culture, told by anyone, anywhere in the world, there is only one question ever asked.

Who am I?

But even when answered, the sense of former clarity can be shaken permanently- if touched by the right means, in the wrong place.

It is the scariest thing in the world to witness someone you love change: for the better, and equally, for the worst. Not only does it scare, but it shakes- when it comes- everything that it touches within you. To see the developments within them, with your own eyes, is enough to rattle the most certain, and to weaken even the strongest of characters. It is in the most desperate of situations that true character is revealed, honest relationships are formed, and true faith is questioned- in this desperate time, who will you be?

The room was silent for the duration of their new formed gaze, as though it were the single lifeline that the both of the girls could cling to. Once broken, confusion reigned. The hazel flecks in Spencer's stopped burning into Emily's skin as they drifted away and towards the dirty white bed sheets, her fingers teasing them awkwardly whilst she waited in anxious anticipation for her girlfriend to speak.

At the look on her best friend's face, Emily's heart broke: crumpling inside her chest, the pieces disintegrating and flooding through her body, making every inch of her tingle with despair until finally, one by one, the pieces of her sorrow began to fall down her cheeks. She tried to speak, but somehow, she couldn't find the words within herself to make a sound- knowing that, no matter what she said now, wouldn't change anything. All too familiarly, she felt impotent.

The girl she loved was hurting beyond the realms of her imagination, and there was nothing that she could do. Nothing.

In a choked sob, she stood, amazed at the little strength that she managed to find within herself, even after she had become convinced that there was none left. Staggering towards the door, she murmured something into the bright light of the room, a promise that she knew she was breaking as she confessed it, before falling through the door.

_It was warm that day, warmer than they'd expected, but the pure nature of the melancholy events that were to take their places in the series of unfortunate events gave the air surrounding them a slight chill. Church bells chimed only for their set duration, as if they felt it disrespectful to resonate in their usual way, and even the birds ceased to sing as they flew overhead: their beaks angles low in respect. _

_Seas of black moved in a daze together, their tears very much the same as all of the others, with a unique twist of their own grief. Strangers offered their condolences, but they were seldom heard by the youngest of the ears that listened. _

_Only one was sort by the others as they worked their way through the mass of people around them, finally clasping the sight of the other and seeking, with intensive vigor, the sense of comfort that, after this hiatus of friendship, could return. _

_Black silk and cotton merged in a happy mix of tragic contentment, as two became one- united once again by mutual grief, something that was becoming somewhat of a mutual theme for the two of them. Surprisingly, there was no awkwardness between the two of them, as both had fretted somewhat the night before, and no clinging reminiscence of what once was- just a unique sense of belonging._

_The shorter girl's bony arms felt their way around her neck, resting comfortably on her shoulders as she pulled her body closer, craving the skin to skin contact that- over the past year- she'd grown to miss so much. Feeling her chin resting on her shoulder she almost smiled, would've done had it not been for the tears; a gruesome reminder of where they were. _

_Even when their embrace ended, they stayed attached, held together by the mutual longing of human recognition, their need to; somehow, feel safe again in the arms of another: to let the walls that had taken so long to build come crumbling down at the feather light touch of lips against skin, of hands in hands and small pats on the back. To feel secure in a way that they hadn't even noticed that they'd missed, but now- having realized- couldn't possibly live without. _

_To feel whole again. Together. _

Lingering glances of outsiders burned through the air, each bringing with them a fresh flash of pain, accompanied by another tear, leaving behind it a scar that could not be removed; stolen looks from pitying passersby, whose thoughts would drift with empathy for a second, before ultimately returning to the selfish nature of their own lives.

In a trance, she moved hastily through the walls of the hospital, a place that she had come to know too well over the past few months; robotically, with a lack of emotion that she had never before been associated with, until she finally found the door- guided more by the light and the slight breeze than she was by her sight, in vile desperation for breath. Clinging to the nearest solidity- a metal pole, holding the sign that had, before meant nothing, and now set her shaking in her very soul- all of her inhibitions melted away, as did every sense of security that the past sixteen years had provided her with.

Her trust was a book that had taken many years to write: many people to craft, many thoughts to shape the letters and many mistakes and wrong decisions to mold the plot- yet, it had taken few seconds to rip the pages out, to burn them with guile and no discretion, the maniacal laughter of her lack of control ringing in her ears, using the visual form of her girlfriend's broken hearted face to taunt her innermost emotions.

With the hurt that could only be foreseen in the darkest of nightmares, her fear poured out of her chest through her eyes; her deceived body tingling with all of the uncertainty that only three words had provided.

* * *

><p>"Spencer, what's wrong?" Her mother asked as she entered the room, setting her coffee cup down in a business like gesture and sitting down in the vacant chair at her bedside,<br>"It's nothing," The brunette whispered, "Nothing that I can talk about anyway." A couple of tears escaped her eyes, which she wiped away mechanically, as though to be seen crying was an unforgivable sign of weakness that was deemed, thus far, so taboo that she may never be seen so clearly again.  
>"Now, that," Veronica replied curtly, awarding Spencer the stern look that she had learned to associate with having been caught out as a child, "I do not believe for a second." The teenager responded with a meager version of her mother's glare, biting her lip in obstinate thought. The older woman sighed, "Is it Emily?"<p>

Spencer's jaw dropped at her mother's abruptness, not having been aware of her knowledge of her own relationship,  
>"No," She defended, her eyes narrowing subconsciously in a glare that had become somewhat connoted with her family interactions, "Well, maybe. Sort of." Her brow furrowed as she struggled to articulate her thoughts, her fingers tapping idly at her side, "Just, everything. You know? This. These changes." Her mother nodded somewhat sympathetically, her silence invoking a strong sense of Socratic irony into the conversation.<p>

"I mean, when Emily and I first got together, or even when I realized that I'd fallen in love with her, it was like, for the first time, I didn't want to control what was happening. It felt like our friendship was on fire, and all I wanted to do was get closer to her constantly. Telling her how I felt was the most reckless, least logical thing I've ever done in my life, the kind of reckless that should have sent me running as far as I could from how I felt, but somehow, it seemed like I wouldn't get very far.

"That thrill, the first time she kissed me. God, it was like a dream- a dream that, for some reason, I never wanted to wake up from; like Emily was my drug. Ever since then, I've just wanted to feel that way again.

"And I want to be able to do that, Mom. I want to be able to take spontaneous road trips and sing till our voices disappear; I want to be able to dive into the ocean and swim as far as I can see without thinking; I want to travel, to see everything; I want to be field hockey captain, or heck, even try a new sport, like soccer, or even basketball! I want to have those chances. I want to make those decisions!" Her voice was coming in sobs of frustration now, her tears a symbol of mere acceptance- the proof that, amongst all the anger and denial, Spencer Hastings had allowed her brain to know that, no matter how little she liked it, the amount of control that she had over her life was lessening day by day.

"And Emily. God. I want her, Mom, I want her so bad. I want to be able to goof around with her, to challenge her; I want to protect her when she's scared, defend her when she's weak- I want to be able to carry her from the car to her bedroom when she falls asleep on the ride home. Mom, I want to live my life…with her. I just want to be able to drop everything and run, in the pouring rain if I feel like it. I don't want my life to be dictated to by some stupid doctors and some stupid meds."

Astounded by the honesty that she had never heard from her youngest daughters lips in such superfluous amounts before, Veronica Hastings took her daughter by the hand, wrapping her arms tightly around her shaking shoulders as she cried, as she did far too infrequently. And, as she sat, whispering small condolences and comforts into the silky brown hair- that she had never before realized was the picture of her own when she, herself, had been Spencer's age- she realized that, for the first time in seventeen years, she felt like she could, justifiably, call herself her mother.

* * *

><p>There was something about the look in her eyes that told Emily that she was wrong- that her actions were selfish and her words, or lack thereof, were shameful- as she stared at herself in the mirror of the hospital restroom. Over her tan, slightly reddened, hands the water swirled around the wash basin, the faucet on full flow and freezing cold- not that she minded. It wasn't exactly as though she'd chosen the temperature of the water as a punishment- the restroom only had on setting- but it felt fitting.<p>

What astounded her most was her lack of perception. She'd always thought of herself as a 'people person'- sure, she had a tendency to be a little shy, sometimes quiet, and she was rather reserved, but people _liked _her. They always had. Admittedly, adults had tended to be her preferred company, from a young age, what with being an only child, but that had taught her valuable skills in communication: sometimes she had been taught these skills directly, by her mother or father in the form of strong warning- like not to interrupt when people are talking, or not to speak unless she was spoken to- but the really valuable information she had learned was that which she had inferred for herself.

Particularly one idiom of humanity: that people hide what hurts.

Especially Spencer, it seemed.

There was a lot that she knew about Spencer Hastings, most of which had taken years to learn. She wasn't an especially modest person, that much was obvious, but the confidence that she tended to exude was almost always a forced cover up for her insecurities. It had been the achievements that she'd heard of first, it was the self-doubt that had come later- and when it had, it had come in like the flood; with a mass of tears and insecurities, worries and qualms of her conscious. She'd learned, in the dead of night through hushed whispers and the rustling of sleeping bags; that she felt like a disappointment to her family, and wished that she and Melissa were closer because, really, she idolized her. It had been when they were thirteen, admittedly, but she could still see it written in the worry lines of Spencer's pale skin. Then, one by one, the secrets had begun to flow out of her: each few and far between, but always to her.

In theory, she should have realized then, back when she first saw Spencer cry, that they were perfect for each other- it was something about the way their thoughts seemed to bounce around in each other's heads before they even uttered them aloud, and how their bodies seemed to be made to fit together.

Which was why she couldn't fathom how she hadn't seen it sooner. Sadly, she thought in retrospect, she had: she'd seen the panicked expressions she subtly checked her pulse with two fingers when they'd been fooling around- to ensure that she wasn't over working her heart- she'd noticed how much she was drinking lately, in order to keep herself as hydrated as possible, and how healthily she was eating- compensation for the extra strain that her heart was putting on her body.

Suddenly, Emily felt as though she may be sick. Violently. She'd seen all of the symptoms', she'd taken note, subconsciously, of these idiosyncratic adaptions…but she hadn't stopped to think about why. She hadn't taken the time out of her selfish mind long enough to question whether, maybe, just maybe, there was something more to it than she would have liked to admit.

* * *

><p>"Oh, Spencer," Veronica sympathized, pulling back from her daughter and holding her by the shoulder's so that she could look clearly into her face, something that she hadn't done in a very long time, as she realized, painfully, that she didn't know her daughter at all, now that she came to think about it. "I know this seems like a lot to deal with, and don't think that I'm trying lessen the weight that you've given it, but this is very fresh in your mind. And I know that, right now, it may seem like the end of the world, but trust me…you'll get through this. Because you're a Hastings. And it's what we do."<p>

Her daughter offered her a weak smile, her teary eyes never leaving her face as she attempted to laugh- her whole body shaking with effort. In her eyes, the older woman saw shadows of a practically forgotten past together that they'd shared. When Spencer was a very little girl, they'd shared an impenetrable bond, one of such strength that words were not needed to communicate thoughts between them: on the weeknights, the tiny brunette would sit at the counter next to her mother whilst she worked, a coloring book open in front of her in the place of the older woman's paperwork, as she reviewed it with the utmost severity, marking it with red crayon in all the same places as her mother highlighted. Those nights had meant the world to Spencer. The nights when it was just her and her mother against the world.

Then things got cold.

And in the midst of the jealously, the angst and the confusion, the bond was severed; leaving those nights as nothing but a clouded, painful, memory that haunted the future with the threat of what once was.

"You know, Spencer, you're so like me in so many ways." She whispered to her daughter, laughing at the look of wide eyed astonishment that had brandished her elegant features, "You are. Your tenacity, your passion…your mistakes. And your doubt. I see in you so much of myself when I was your age."

"Like what?" Spencer asked, relishing in the quality time that her mother seemed- for the first time in many years- to want to spend with her,  
>"Like not putting yourself out there enough." Veronica replied, laughing at the indignant look on the teenager's face, "Being afraid of failure, so afraid that, sometimes, you don't want to try. And putting everybody else first; your selflessness, Spencer, in this case could have been your undoing." She braced her daughter's body in her grasp, sensing the energy fading out of her- probably a side effect of all the drugs that she was hooked up on- looking deep into her eyes as she asked her seriously, "How long have you known?"<p>

"Known what?" The brunette feigned ignorance, looking awkwardly around the room,  
>"You know what, Spencer." Veronica insisted sternly, "Abut your heart. When did you figure it out?" The younger girl sighed, biting her lip in defeat,<br>"A couple weeks ago…" She admitted, "I started feeling awful, so I did some symptom checks and looked into my, well, our medical history…" Veronica sighed, closing her eyes momentarily as her daughter shocked her, once again, with her remarkable intellect,  
>"And you didn't talk to anyone? You didn't think to speak to your father or I about all this? Or even Emily? Or Hanna, or Aria? You decided that it would be best if you went through this alone?" She asked incredulously, trying extremely hard to keep her temper and failing quickly,<br>"I wasn't alone." Spencer said quietly in defense of herself,  
>"What?" Her mother snapped dismissively, "Spencer, if you didn't disclose what you were dealing with to either of your parents or your friends and girlfriend, who could you possibly, have spoken to?"<p>

Taking a deep breath, the teenager shook her head, meeting the eyes of her mother with the same self-assurance as Veronica's own held,  
>"Melissa."<p>

* * *

><p>Deep down, she knew. She'd realized this long ago. Not that it was any excuse for neglecting Spencer, she knew that too, but it explained why she'd felt different lately; disconnected…scared. Deep down, she'd been cutting herself off, emotionally, for the sake of everyone else…especially Spencer. It was changing her, she knew…and she didn't like the person she was becoming.<p>

Bracing herself for whatever was to come when she finally broke her eyes away from the running water, Emily tilted her head upwards, feeling an odd sense of fear for her own reflection. Spindly red lines traced their ways across the whites of her eyes like back streets on a road map, intertwining here and there, but none of them following the same path; tears swam around them, soaking through the glassy exterior into the atlas that the windows to her soul had created, drowning everyone who now walked those streets. Not only those of the present, but anyone who had ever ambled along beside her, anyone who had ever shared a moment with her on the streets of her emotions, even those who had merely run past: there for a second, and then gone.

Drowning. All of them; in her mistakes.

It was her fault, after all. Everyone who ever touched her got hurt, it seemed- she was like a curse, a poisoned chalice, appealing only from a distance, auspicious until the truth was known.

Everyone got hurt. Everyone left.

And in the midst of the packing of bags and the slamming of doors, the falling tears and the revving engines, there was only loneliness…loneliness and temptation.

Someone left, someone cried. People spoke, and people yelled…and all the while, she felt nothing. No remorse and no regret. Nothing. She, after all those years, had become numb.

Or so she always told herself.

Try as she might, she could never quite give up. She'd close her door, shut off her mind and crawl under the covers into the sanctuary she'd created for herself- for her and her alone. In this haven of sheets and locked doors, no one could penetrate her comfort, no one could make her feel better: make her depend on them again…disappoint her.

And then, when the tears had stopped coming and the boredom had ceased, just when she felt that maybe, just maybe, she'd never get hurt again- she'd feel it.

First came the creaking of the door, the soft flap of the sheets and the low murmur of the mattress. Then, soft, cold feet would bump against her long, thin legs, and silky light hair would mix with hers. At first, there'd be no words spoken, hardly any contact and not so much as a whisper of concern. It wasn't needed.

Then, gradually, ever so gradually, it began. Arms would wrap round arms, legs would slot together and heads would find shoulders instinctively. Skin met skin.

It began slowly, gaining momentum as it preserved energy, with gentle touches and silent sympathy. And, like the crack of a whip, the floodgates gave out and the waters wreaked havoc on the peaceful settlement. Not caring much anymore for the silence; one would grab the other, face to face, eye to eye, bones to bones. Underdeveloped limbs enveloped each other, together forming a person more whole than either of them could ever have dreamt of being along…stronger, too. And, as the tsunami of emotions hit, two clung together to make one.

In the moment between the seconds when the numbness had faded and the white noise returned, was only confusion; the chaos that reigned within the moments before thinking was possible again. And all that remained, in that bizarre, muffled silence, was only the girl holding her.

Through many dangers, toils and snares, their grips held tight. Through parental abandonment, young love and first loss; tragedy beyond their years and the type of fear unbeknownst most of the aged; through jealousy all the jealously and the confusion and the omnipresent uncertainty, they had never once let go of the vice-like grip that their young hands had formed.

When each left hand had slipped into the other, a spark had ignited. A bond was formed. Soul mates were found.

When one met the other, something changed.

And what changes in the world, can never be reversed.

* * *

><p>AN

Hey guys, So, I banged this out in one night, so I hope it's alright. Apologies for any mistakes, I've only proof read it once. I was really stuck on this one.

Hope you like it.

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	18. The Hero Dies In This One

Chapter Eighteen- The Hero Dies In This One

In the same silence that had, over the years, brought the girls so much simultaneous comfort and pain, the door opened and soft footsteps padded across the hard wooden floor, the _click _of the closing door resonating around the room with far too much meaning. The mattress shifted and the sheets twitched, as the process sped up. Hearts beat fast and in time as the first accidental touches happened, of bare skin against bare skin- of confusion on uncertainty.

Another twitch, another movement.

Face to face now, in that ever ambiguous silence, they lay; their eyes tracing the patterns in their minds, hidden away from everything except for the ever penetrating stare of the other. Under the eyes of the other nothing remained secret; everything was open, naked, like poker cards face up, or a window without the curtains drawn- hidden from the rest of the world for the fear of them not understanding.

But never together.

Together, there was no need for secrets or hiding- and even if they were, the darker side would never have succeeded under the angelic glow of their, much tampered with, innocence. A sense of purity that remained, after all the untimely tragedy, strong, yet subtle, circling them with a form of guidance that neither would have taken had they known it was there.

No matter how broken, or how torn…it was still there.

Just like they were for each other.

Innocent. Pure. Strong.

The smaller girl folded her lips together between her teeth as she raised her face to the girl opposite her: her best friend, her confidant, her girlfriend….her everything. She took a deep breath, fighting an uphill battle against the tears that weren't even coming, as she conveyed, through a gaze that was anything but simple, everything that she'd ever felt.

The gaze was held for what felt like forever, solidly forming a bridge between the two from the sparks that flew between them at the emotional contact; neither moved, neither spoke. The silence reigned once more- victorious, triumphant at its remarkable ability to toy with their emotions in such stronghold.

Silence. Nothing more; each of them relishing in the good fortune they shared at having found so much, so young. Each of them certain, that in the embrace of the other, they were the closest to heaven that they would ever get.

With a slow uncertainty, change occurred- frame by frame, tiny detail by tiny detail.

Her lips, released from the vise like grip that her teeth had held on them, began to tremble in synchrony- shaking with emotion despite her best attempts to hold them still; she scrunched up her delicate face, a defense mechanism she used often to hide how she felt from anyone who could use it against her; her hair fell, strand by strand into her face, obscuring the clues that were hidden within it. And finally, her eyelids fluttered shut, forcing the hidden teardrops- that had settled inside of them- out of their safe place, and into the harsh, unforgiving world, cascading down her cheeks.

In a solid, determined, spontaneous movement, Spencer flung herself into Emily, finally closing the space between them and burying her head into the crook of her best friend's neck, where it fit so perfectly that, for the first time in her life, she felt as though she had nothing to fear. Instinctively, Emily positioned her arms around the smaller girl's fragile body, using one f her hands to cup the back of her girlfriend's head, intertwining her fingers in the long, tangled tresses that covered her, and the other to rub small, comforting circles along the length of her spine. Both of her hands pulled her closer into her body determinedly, providing the one thing that she needed the most in her life- certainty.

Mirroring the gestures that she had learnt from Spencer herself over the years- from the way she'd held her so many times: when her dad had left for work, and the little girl had been terrified that he'd never come home again; when Alison had tortured her, playing her game of one-sided amusement; all the times that she'd wished that she'd never see the blond girl again…and finally, again, when she knew that she wouldn't.

Comfort was just one of the things that Emily had learned from Spencer.

Tears dripped down her collar-bone and inside the soft, white cotton of her off the shoulder T-shirt where the brunette's face was buried deep into her the crook of her neck- the salty liquid burning thin lines of empathy into her skin. For the first time, it felt safe to Spencer to cry- like, no matter what she said or did in that moment, nothing was going to change; no one would judge her. Such feelings of contentment were alien to her.

Grasping onto the thin frame that had crumpled around her, Emily shifted their position forcefully, pulling Spencer on top of her in the way that a mother may hold a young child, allowing the brunette's face to nestle against the soft skin of her neck as she rested her chin on the top of her head, breathing deeply, with a calming certainty to the beat of Spencer's heart- the steady rhythm she could feel against her own body.

The questions in their heads floated around the room, leaving in their tracks the aftermath of a hurricane of emotion, joining their ever elusive answers in a place just out of the grasp of the girls- the hidden incentive that neither had seemed to find in their everlasting battle against the rest of the world.

And, despite the absence of their answers, without a solution to the problems, or even a clear knowledge of what they were facing- both were certain that, before that moment, they had never been closer.

* * *

><p>"This feels so safe." Spencer whispered into the heat of Emily's chest; her face half obscured by her hair, the other half buried in the skin of her girlfriend. The taller girl's arms wrapped tightly around her, her hands clasped together and resting on the small of her back, pulling Spencer as tightly into her body as she possibly could, hoping to preserve the state of contentment that she knew the smaller girl was feeling. As her breathing evened out into a more reliable pattern, Emily dipped her head down slowly, resting her warm cheek against the soft skin of her best friend's forehead, pressing a small kiss against the snow-white exterior of the girl she loved, and leaving her lips to rest against her.<p>

Spencer smiled into the gesture, nuzzling her face further into Emily and making her laugh; actions like these never ceased to surprise the taller girl at just how childlike someone so mature could be. It was gestures like those that worried Emily the most; it was obvious, even to the naked eye, that Spencer had gotten used to to taking care of herself, not only that, but she was good at it- only no one seemed to realize how emotionally broken raising herself had left her. As a first hand witness, the dark-haired girl knew that Spencer had dealt with more in her few years than most adults had dealt with in a lifetime, and- not only had she handled herself through it all- but she'd taken on the weight of the other girl's problems also, obstinately holding up the weight of all four of them, refusing to share the burden for fear of being deemed as incompetent as her parent's viewed her.

But no one saw it.

Through the lens of life, Spencer was clear-cut and filtered, focused and airbrushed which was exactly how she wanted to be seen- but the harder Emily looked, the less photo-shopped she became. The lines began to blur and blemishes began to appear through the haze of perfection that she'd built around her: the cracks in the surface faded into existence, a different contrasting emotion seeping through the broken pieces of her whole being.

The more she looked, the more she broke.

The more she broke the more real she became.

"You know, it hasn't always been this way;" The brunette sighed, catching her girlfriend's eyes as she raised her head off of her chest, laying it back down on the pillow next to Emily's, face to face now: keeping her toned stomach pressed tightly against her the other girl's and wrapping her legs around the other, longer ones. Emily raised her eyebrows quizzically, finding Spencer's thin hand under the sheets and caressing the pale skin around the canula that had penetrated it. "I mean, I haven't always been this way."

Emily smiled softly at her, still refraining from speaking until Spencer had gotten out everything that she needed to get off of her chest; the smaller girl glanced away shyly, focusing on her left hand only, allowing her fingertips to trace the lines of Emily's body. They wandered down the curves of her side, brushing softly against her upper arms as they went, barely hesitating as she reached her hips, a place that she once dreamed of touching. She could feel Emily's gaze probing her thoughts, her eyes fixed resolutely on her face, almost as though her girlfriend were working just as hard to wade through her thoughts as she herself was.

Across her back now, Spencer's bony fingers worked their way along each and every vertebrate of her spine, pressing her fingertips harder against the ridges on the bone in order to feel every tiny detail. She wanted to feel everything. More than ever, basic wasn't good enough. She didn't want to hear Emily, she wanted to connect with her; she didn't want to see her, she wanted to read her; above all, she didn't want to touch…she wanted to feel. Like, really feel.

She wanted to learn enough in that moment that, in twenty, or thirty, or even one hundred years, if asked, she'd be able to describe every inch of Emily as though it were yesterday. As though she'd know her better than herself.

Not that she knew herself at all anymore, she wasn't even sure if she ever had. There were so many sides, so many layers. She was Spencer Hastings, the lawyers daughter; she was Melissa Hastings' younger sister; the class president, the valedictorian, the field hockey captain. She was, and had to be, the best at everything. She was a mass of contradictions, of labels and words.

And, in the end, all she'd ever wanted to be was just _Spencer. _

That was before Emily.

Emily had smashed into her life like a hurricane. A tornado of feeling and emotion that contradicted everything that Spencer had ever known; in a cold, harsh world of competition and suppressed sensitivity, she was light and gentle. She was a soft whisper in the dark, she was the hand under the sheets- she was the voice on the other end of the phone when she needed someone to talk to, and she was the shoulder to cry on when she couldn't even find the words to do so.

Emily was silence, and Spencer was noise: loud, confused screaming, uncontrollable laughter and, most of all, the incessant ringing of white noise that coated the thoughts of anyone around her in the little time that she spared for thought.

And through all the noise, the silence had listened.

Emily had listened; storing each and every note within her, feeding off of the whirlwind of imagery that Spencer created, savoring each moment and then hiding it away beneath her skin just in case it was ever needed again; making the connections between the notes, picking up the rhythm of Spencer herself and filling in the melody on her own, weaving the lyrics out of the things left unsaid.

Letting them play through the silence. Memorizing it so that, even if it were the last thing that she was ever to hear, it would still ring true in her ears. So that she'd still know the words.

When everything else had gone, this was something she wanted to hold on to.

* * *

><p>"This one time, when I was seven, I think, or maybe even younger, it was the end of the school day, and all the other kids were looking out of the window for their parents. I never did that, I always pretended that I hadn't finished my work or something 'cause I knew that mine wouldn't be there; it never bothered me really, but this day, it really upset me. I walked out of school that day crying. I hated crying in front of people, I always thought they were going to pity me, or look at me funny. But no one even spared me a second glance." Her voice went numb as she choked on a small laugh, glancing back up to Emily's eyes, which were staring intensely at her, listening hard with every sense she had.<p>

"I'd zoned out away from everyone, I wasn't even watching where I was going. And suddenly, I walked smack into someone and before I could even say I was sorry, I heard someone laughing. I looked up, and there was my dad." Her voice broke again as a smile forced its way across her face, "And you know what he said to me? He crouched down to my height, and, looking me straight in the eyes, he grinned and said 'What has someone as wonderful as you got to cry about?' Then he wiped my tears and lifted me up, onto his back. He carried me all the way home." Her face turned shy again, all the color draining out of her cheeks and her eyes drifting away from Emily's face, lowering themselves to their joined hands.

"Sitting on his shoulders, I felt like I was on top of the world. My daddy, the best and the bravest guy in the world, was parading me around for everyone to see. I'd never felt prouder." The taller girl smiled an endearing smile at her best friend, tightening her grasp on her hand by a fraction, as if she knew what was coming.

Taking her eyes in a vise like grip, Spencer held them together more fiercely than any physical grasp could have done, connecting them by all the senses that she could reach; holding the two of them in an embrace that couldn't have ever been broken by any force, no matter how strong. Searching in her eyes for what she wished she could have known, for what she needed to solve the mysteries that were spiraling out left, right and center, both in and around her- deepening, thickening and twisting of at every fork in the road.

And despite the answer Spencer was looking for- the reason and the logic that she fought so desperately to find- being nowhere in sight; she was satisfied. In Emily, she hadn't found the answers, but something better: a world where she forgot the questions. A utopia of emotions and shelter, of acceptance and fragility. In Emily, she was home.

"That was the last time I ever felt like everything would be okay. Like, no matter what, somehow, some way, I didn't have to worry, because someone was there for me, to take away the pain, to sort everything out for me…it was the last time I felt safe…"

Sighing again, as though a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, a weight that had burdened her for years- perhaps, even, for a lifetime- Spencer let her eyes flicker shut, her head finding the crook of Emily's neck instinctively in the blindness that sleep had created.

"Until now."

* * *

><p>AN

Apologies, for the rather short nature of this chapter- but everyone knows that we need a filler chapter every now and again, right? I promise the next update will be far more prolific, and I shall try my hardest to get it up by the end of this week/ beginning of next week, though- sadly- no promises can be made.

Also, I have to ask you guys a question: should I continue my other fic, 'A Kiss To Build A Dream On'? Please, take the time to PM me, or leave a review on either of my stories with your opinion (and, if you'd like for me to continue writing it, suggestions for a story line are more than welcome). I've been very much struggling with it lately- hence the lack of updates- and I need to know if I should continue it or not; I'll go with the majority vote.

As always, thank you for reading! It means more to me than you could ever know.

~LaughLoveLiveXx


	19. A Hand To Take Hold Of The Scene

A/N

Hey guys, it's finally done.

I promise, the next few chapters will be better. Honestly.

Thanks for reading, all of your support is greatly appreciated.

Enjoy and review : )

* * *

><p>Chapter Nineteen- A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene<p>

A horribly familiar feeling of dread flooded through Emily's body as she glanced around up the street that, in the latter part of her life, had become her everyday scenery. In a car window, she quickly checked her reflection for what must have been the hundredth time since she'd finally left her own house. It had taken hours of preparation countless different shirts, straightening her hair (only to find that she looked as though she was trying too hard) and washing it again, reapplying her make up numerous times to try to cover up the nerves that seemed to be visible through her pores. Looking in the mirror told her only one thing: she looked the same as always.

Bracing herself, she made the necessary next few steps on shaking feet, turning onto familiar land, but alien territory. The door flew open before she'd even had a chance to ring the bell, setting her on edge even more so than she was already- if she was late, if she'd kept them waiting, they surely couldn't be off to a good start.

"Hello." Veronica Hastings greeted stiffly, "Emily. Come in."

For unknown reasons, she felt like a child again- very small under the impression of massiveness that the older woman created. Now that she came to think of it, despite the Hastings house having become somewhat of a second home to her, her meetings with Veronica herself were few and far between.

Even when they were much younger, the girls had taken to spending more time at Spencer's house than any of the others, mainly because of her absent parents- as well as the added novelties of the pool and lack of rules- so none of the girls had really ever dealt with the infamous Hastings.

"Please, sit down."

Nodding her head slightly, Emily complied, taking a seat at the breakfast bar- where she had sat countless times before- and looking away shyly. When Veronica had called her, she hadn't specified any particular reason as to why she had wanted to see Emily, but it had sounded ominous- various, extreme scenarios had raced through her mind since the past evening, ensuring, it seemed, that she was prepared for the worst.

"Would you like a drink?" The older woman could see how nervous the young girl in front of her was and felt almost guilty- almost: Veronica never displayed any sure emotion. "I think I'll have a glass of wine, but I don't suppose I can interest you in one?"

"No, thank you." Emily laughed anxiously, "But some water would be nice."

The older woman nodded, busying herself with preparing drinks, occasionally glancing surreptitiously over at her daughters girlfriend; she felt as though she were socially expected to ask questions, but she already knew the answers- although her relationship with Spencer was someone dormant, Emily was the one thing that she was willing to speak about.

"Now, I bet you're wondering why I called, aren't you?" She finally broke the silence as she sat down across from Emily. The young girl shot her a small smile as she nodded,  
>"A little, yeah." Veronica laughed,<br>"That's understandable, but first, let me tell you something. " She paused for a long sip of wine, closing her eyes and relishing in the alcohol, "I know that you're nervous. But there's no need- despite whatever Spencer's told you, I'm not a monster." Emily smiled at her girlfriend's mother,  
>"She never says anything bad…" She lied sweetly, taking another sip of water to hide the smirk on her face.<br>"I'm sure."

* * *

><p>"Rise and shine, sleeping bitchy." Hanna declared loudly as she walked into the dimly lit hospital room on Friday morning, tossing her Prada purse at the foot of the bed and flicking on the lights,<br>"Hanna!" Aria scolded, turning the lights back down a little to protect Spencer's eyes from the sharpness of the synthetic light, "She's sick."

The blond smiled as Spencer laughed wryly, staring up at her with wide eyes,  
>"It's good to see you, Spence." She whispered, leaning down awkwardly to embrace the thinner girl before settling down in the chair beside her bed. Aria squeezed the brunette's hand gently, sitting on the edge of the bed and opening her bag, rooting around inside of it frantically,<br>"Did you bring my homework?" Spencer asked excitedly, propping herself up further on her pillows and peering forward towards the smaller girls backpack,

"You really are all kinds of sick, aren't you?" Hanna muttered, receiving a glare from Spencer in response, "Hey, all I'm saying is that you basically got a 'get out of jail free card' and you're dying to stay in the cell."

"Nice analogy, Han." Aria laughed dryly, pulling out a small package from her bag at long last and handing it to Spencer, "It's from all of us." The brunette smiled awkwardly, looking from Hanna to Aria as she felt it slowly, "We wanted to wait until later, but Emily said that you were getting better, you just needed some incentive to work on recovering."

Spencer froze; her finger's removing themselves from under the edge of the string that had been tied- presumably by Aria, as the brown parcel paper was decorated with elaborate sketches- as she turned her face back to the small brunette,  
>"Wait, Emily's in on this?"<p>

Since their half conversation on Tuesday, the brunette had hardly spoken to her girlfriend; not just her girlfriend, actually, but anybody. Which was why, she guessed, her two best friends were now sat beside her. It wasn't that she was trying to be difficult; she just really didn't see the point in trying anymore. Within seconds, on that first day in the hospital, her life had changed in ways that she'd never even imagined: questions that she thought she'd never have to ask herself were circling her head, options that she probably would never even have considered were laying on her shoulders, pushing her down further and further into the darkness that she'd sworn she'd never fall into.

It was harder than she'd thought it would be.

More than that, it was harder than she wanted it to be- not just for her, but for Emily. And for Hanna and Aria, in a way. But for Emily, it was symbolic.

Everyone that she'd ever loved had been whisked away; first her dad, disappearing for months at a time, leaving his emotionally fragile daughter to wonder if he'd ever come back; then Alison, there when she slept and gone when she woke. And Maya. All too recently, Maya.

In a selfish way, Spencer was almost grateful to the dead girl- not that she'd ever wish that kind of death upon anyone, or that kind of pain upon Emily- in her absence, she'd found the connection with her girlfriend that she'd been looking for for years.

With Hanna and with Aria, and even Alison, Spencer had formed an instant connection- one that was obvious, nameable, clear; with Aria, she had art and literature, with Hanna, she had clothes and sarcasm, the material things, humor and the kind of carefree spirit that she'd always admired. With Ali there was competition, fury and so much of herself in her that she couldn't help but be fascinated by her.

And then there was Emily.

With Emily things were different…they were easy. As opposed to being with the other girls, when she had to constantly fight for attention with Alison, stimulate conversation with Aria, or stay on top of the social scene for Hanna, she found that things with Emily had just come naturally.

And it infuriated her beyond words.

Something about their connection had eluded Spencer from the start. She'd never understood how the younger girl just _got_ her. Or how, in the dead of night, when she was lying awake contemplating darkly on whatever she was dealing with, her phone would buzz and, on the other end of the line, would be Emily. Just when she needed her the most.

They were so different that it should never have worked- their conversation should have run dry and their company should have gotten old and they should've both moved on to someone more suited to them.

In the darkness of Maya's death, she'd found the words.

She'd found everything within herself that Emily had been showing her for years; the comfort, the frailty, the emotion- the perception, the compassion, the empathy. And somewhere along the line, she'd found the words for their connection.

It wasn't any mutual interest, any similarity or likeness of any kind. It wasn't their circumstance or their fate.

It was passion.

It was love.

And that was why the past days had hurt so badly for Spencer.

During the process of helping Emily to heal, emotionally, from Maya's death, she'd found that she needed Emily more than she ever thought she'd let herself need anybody. They'd become more than friends; they'd become close, synchronized almost, like they couldn't function without the other- a pair. Up and down; in and out; soft and hard; fire and ice; ying and yang…silence and noise.

And she couldn't let Emily lose that again.

That's why shutting her out had seemed like such a good idea. If Spencer was hurting, so would Emily be, and the brunette couldn't stand to see that.

Not that it had worked, of course. Emily had, without fail, been at her bedside constantly- arriving before visiting hours started and only leaving when she was practically dragged out by the nurses.

And the whole time Spencer hadn't said a word.

"Yeah," Aria said gently, "It was her idea." She placed a hand on Spencer's thigh through the sheets and gave it a light squeeze, unable not to notice that Spencer was thinner than ever.  
>"Then I'll open it later." She said stiffly, pushing the package back to the side of the bed and glazing over again. Aria sighed, glancing at the large vintage watch on her wrist with a small smile,<br>"Well, it's almost time for school." She announced, sounding slightly relieved as she patted Spencer's thigh affectionately and stood to leave, "Are you coming, Han?"  
>The blond shook her head yes, shooting Aria a quick smile,<br>"Sure." She smiled, dropping a small kiss on Spencer's hair, "Feel better, we miss you." She whispered in her ear, before turning toward Aria and walking away,  
>"Right, well, I guess I'll see you later then." Aria waved, blowing a kiss in her best friend's direction, "Call us if you need anything. Bye Spence."<p>

* * *

><p>"We haven't had much of a chance to talk yet," Veronica asserted, looking carefully at the young girl before her, "And that's a real pity, because, contrary to whatever Spencer may say, I like you, Emily."<br>The tan girl blushed slightly, murmuring her thanks awkwardly and taking another sip of water,  
>"Which is a shame because I'm pretty sure I'll never see you again once Spencer leaves home. You or Spencer, for that matter." The older woman took another long draft of her wine, eyeing Emily sadly, "I suppose you know what's wrong with her?"<p>

Emily shuddered at how sharply her girlfriend's mother spoke about her and her illness; even when she was trying, what seemed to be, her hardest to demonstrate some kind of compassion, it still sounded as though she was physically disgusted at the idea of Spencer being, in her words, 'wrong'.

"Yeah, a little," The tan girl began, setting her glass down on the counter and meeting the older woman's piercingly dark eyes, "I mean, I spoke with her doctor, but, you know…"

"You don't get it?" Veronica finished for her with a gentle laugh, "It's alright, neither did I, at first. Would you like me to tell you?" Her tone had softened so much in the latter part of the conversation that Emily had almost entirely forgotten her nerves; she nodded and offered her girlfriend's mother a small smile.

"What Spencer has been diagnosed with is hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, more commonly known as HCM, but I'm sure you know that already?" The tan girl nodded again, urging Veronica to continue, "Well, the thing with this condition is it isn't your usual form of arrhythmia, it's actually very rare and affects an entirely different group of people. The heart muscle thickens during exercise, I'm sure you learned that in biology, but when it's not needed that extra thickness goes away, making the heart able to function normally- in Spencer, it's far thicker than it should be, and when she exercises, it doesn't go away, it just keeps swelling and swelling, which makes it harder for the blood to pump efficiently through it. Does that make it a little clearer?"

Surprisingly, Veronica didn't sound at all patronizing or condescending, but genuinely concerned. She knew that, out of everyone around her, Emily was the most likely to be able to get through to Spencer. There was something in the way that the two of them looked at each other; not the usual lust of puppy love that she'd seen between herself and her husband, or the odd, fatal attraction that Melissa had shown with Ian, but the truest, rawest form of passion that she had ever known.

Maybe it had come from being such close friends first, learning the odd quirks of each other's personalities, memorizing, not only their weakness', but how to deal with them; learning from a third person perspective what they liked in a relationship, gaining a level of trust that couldn't have been shattered if they'd tried.

As well as her daughter's happiness, in Emily, Veronica saw her ticket to a closer relationship with her daughter- if anyone could convince her to start over, to let her parent's back in, it would be the sweet, compassionate young woman before her.

And she was going to use that.

"Now, the problem with Spencer is her stubbornness, as I'm sure you've noticed." The older woman grimaced, walking around the counter and pouring herself a second glass of wine,  
>"Certainly." Emily smirked,<br>"Unfortunately, it's a Hastings trait. She gets it from her father. Not only that, but she gets the condition from her father, too." Emily's eyes opened wide, alert now; this was information that she hadn't yet been privy to: the technicalities she'd researched herself, but this actually concerned Spencer specifically.  
>"It's genetic," Veronica continued, "Passed down through the odds of one in two inheritance- which, thankfully, means that we only have one case of it on our hands, though I must say a part of me does wish it was Melissa that we were dealing with, she's always been so much easier to…persuade." The older woman pressed her lips tight together and swallowed hard, glancing away from Emily and directing her gaze to the other side of the kitchen counter. If Emily hadn't known better, she would've thought she was crying.<p>

"She won't even talk to me." She whispered, her voice cracking dangerously. Emily made a sympathetic noise and looked away politely, entirely at a loss as to what to do or say, "And she won't so much as even look at Peter, but that's to be expected."

There was a long silence between them in which Veronica appeared to be unable to speak, and Emily was too nervous to do so. And then, suddenly, in the midst of the screaming thoughts, the whispers began to fly in a soft torrent.

"Emily, I, we, need your help." Veronica admitted, unshed tear shining in eyes that now belonged to Spencer, "She's destroying herself. She told me once, when I was dealing with something that I couldn't handle, that being sick wasn't an imperfection. And what she doesn't know is that her words were what made that all bearable. Now she needs someone to show her that." Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she raised her eyes to lock them directly on those of her daughter's girlfriend,  
>"Spencer doesn't handle imperfection well, and she can't handle not being in control, not being who she thinks that we expect her to be. And I've done that to her, we've done that to her, Peter and I…and for that, I will forever be sorry. But now, you can fix this, Emily. You are the only person who will be able to get through to her. She loves you."<p>

Before arriving at the Hastings house, Emily had prepared herself for, what she had thought, was every outcome imaginable; mentally, she'd prepared herself for situations in which her girlfriend's parents had said things to her with such strong content that she wasn't sure whether, when she knocked on the door, she'd really be able to look them in the eye.

Yes. Emily Fields had thought, at first, that she had prepared herself for every possibility.

But never had she thought that she would be sat in the Hastings kitchen, watching as her girlfriend's mother- the strongest woman that she had ever met- broke down in defeat, putty in her hands. Before that moment, she wasn't even certain that Veronica Hastings' actually possessed enough human emotion to cry- or tear ducts themselves, for that matter.

Awkwardly, she patted the older woman on the back, unable to see her face now as it was hidden in her hands, her Hastings instinct to hide weakness kidding in as she cowered over the counter. Veronica relaxed visibly at the contact, much in the same way as Spencer always did whenever she worked herself up.

Pulling herself together at last, Veronica wiped her eyes surreptitiously, swallowing hard as she glanced at the clock,  
>"You should get to school, Emily." She said at last, "If you walked here, you can take Spencer's car. She won't mind." The tan girl smiled gratefully, grabbing her girlfriend's car keys off of the rack and heading toward the door, muttering a small goodbye in the direction of Veronica.<p>

"Wait, Emily-" The older woman called out, crossing the room with her usual proud stride, holding out a sheaf of paper towards the her daughter's girlfriend, who's nerves subsequently came flooding back; she took them shakily, looking over the top sheet inquisitively before her attention was dragged back toward Veronica.

"This." The older woman said pointedly, "This is how I want you to help."


	20. Ashes of the Dreams You Let Die

A/N

So I have to apologize for the delay and the content of this chapter, there's not an awful lot of depth I don't think, and it's honestly a bit of a filler before I can introduce anything more important in the next update.

Let me know what you think : )

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><p>Chapter Twenty- Ashes of the Dreams You Let Die.<p>

The flames of the fire flickered in the eyes of the four, in each reflecting something different; each crackle of the kindling igniting both a new spark and a new thought, as fleeting as each other in terms of logistics. The lights coming through the windows were dimming by the second as the darkness of the night removed the comforting light of day, replacing it only with the faint silver glow of the crescent moon. In the silence, noise was heard that normally would've been hidden beneath a thin veneer of mindless chatter.

In the night, silence reigned.

"Is anybody else tired?" Hanna yawned, tearing her eyes away from the embers in the fireplace and glancing at the girls beside her,  
>"More than you know." Emily whispered, her fingers wrapped around the edge of Spencer's shirt. "How about you, Spence?" She asked cheerfully, ignoring the obvious desolation that her girlfriend was seeping into the air around them,<br>"No." She replied flatly, her eyes wandering away from her girlfriends reach.

The omnipresent silence surrounded them again; bringing with it such power that it seemed to squash every thought to the contrary of misery that dared to be thought. Any exuberance, any elation, or mere contentment was, by the force of nature, oppressed fiercely by the depressing air that filled their lungs.

"Well, I think that we should go to bed anyway," Emily pressed on, "We had a long drive down here, and you only got out of the hospital today." The brunette scowled, shakily pulling herself to her feet and slowly began to walk away, her breath coming in labored pants,  
>"Then go to bed." Spencer grumbled, "I'm not tired."<p>

_"You see, now this is why I wasn't telling you." Emily said pointedly, giving Spencer as stern look as she folded one of the brunette's T-shirts and placed it in a small, very expensive looking, suitcase.  
>"What, were you just going to kidnap me?" The thinner girl smirked, pacing around the edge of her room. Since Emily had picked her up from the hospital, following her two week stay, she'd been antsier than ever before. Sure, she knew that, according to the health plan that she'd been provided with, she needed to be resting as much as possible, she just didn't feel like it.<br>"Something like that." Emily laughed, opening another draw and pulling out a few pairs of socks, checking that they all matched before throwing them into the open case. Glancing around the room to see what she'd missed, she caught sight of Spencer pacing, her attention fixed on the wide window, "And for the last time, would you please sit down?" _

_Spencer smirked again and stayed defiantly still, flicking her eyes to Emily coyly before pretending again as if she'd never spoken. The taller girl sighed, dropping the pajamas that she was holding onto the bed and crossing the room towards her girlfriend, taking the smaller girl by the shoulders and walking her backwards until her legs collided with the bed._

_"Sit." She commanded playfully. _

_With a glare, Spencer conceded, laying back on her bed and closing her eyes in defeat, resting her hands on her stomach- when she opened them, Emily had already crossed back to the other side of the bed and was, once again, busy folding the clothes that she'd picked out. She stared at her hard, a smile forming on her lips as she surveyed the cute, perplexed expression that her girlfriend's had adorned. _

_"Look at me." She whispered, reaching her hand out behind her head and resting it against the taller girls toned thigh, "Em." _

_The tan girl smiled gently, meeting Spencer's eyes over the clothes that she was holding,  
>"Yeah?" She asked amusedly, patting her girlfriends hand sweetly; it was starting to scar from where the canula tube had pierced thin, pale skin- red and raised in a bloody rash.<em>

_"Thank you." The thinner girl whispered, her deep brown eyes searching her girlfriend's face. Emily giggled, reaching out a hand to tuck a lock of Spencer's soft, dark hair behind her ear,  
>"It's okay." She smiled, leaning over the suitcase to press her lips against the smaller girls, "But you need to let me pack now, or you won't have any underwear for the next three days." <em>

_"That'd be okay with me." The brunette smirked._

_"Well, I'm not so sure it'd be so okay with Hanna and Aria." Emily laughed, rapping her knuckles playfully against her girlfriend's nose as they bantered, "And as they're coming with us, we might want to include their opinion." _

_Spencer's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning, springing up into a sitting position and whirling around to face Emily,  
>"Wait," She beamed, "Hanna and Aria are coming with us? For how long?" The tan girl grinned; she'd been withholding this information deliberately for when Spencer decided to be difficult. It wasn't that the idea of being alone with her was unappealing to Spencer, but she knew that her girlfriend needed her friends around her as much as possible, then more than ever. <em>

_"Yep, your mom called both of their parents and they agreed that, under the circumstances, it would be okay for them to miss a couple days of school. We'll leave tonight, and drive home Tuesday evening- that gives us four full days, right?" Spencer smiled weakly at her, the life fading from her face as she watched her girlfriend zip her suitcase and place it by the door. _

_Emily had seen the change in her demeanor, but she'd kept quiet, hoping that Spencer would pull herself together without any help. She was sadly disappointed. _

_Spencer Hastings, the girl who never accepted- let alone asked- for help from anyone, was crumbling in front of her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Despite her valiant attempts to cheer her up, to make her laugh, or even to make her feel normal again, Spencer was breaking more and more each day. _

_"Are you ready to go?" Emily asked quietly. Spencer thought that, from her tone of voice, Emily had probably been talking for a long time; but she hadn't heard anything. All she'd been able to hear lately had been the constant roar of her thoughts, thoughts that she couldn't control- thoughts that were beginning to dictate her behavior in much the same way as her illness was. _

_"What?" She murmured, not even bothering to direct any of her attention towards Emily as she shrank back into the pit of self-pity that she'd been hiding in for the past few weeks.  
>"I asked if you were ready, Spence." The taller girl replied evenly, her patience wearing thin. Truth be told, as much as she loved Spencer, the brunette was starting to drive her crazy; she didn't listen anymore- more than that, she didn't even seem to care. In the past weeks, Emily doubted that her girlfriend had said more than five sentences to her, and when she did, they were full of such intense agony that she wasn't sure if she actually preferred the silence. <em>

_"Hmm." The brunette muttered, looking scathingly around the room, "I guess. I don't know why we have to go, still."  
>Taking in a deep breath, the taller girl tried to steady herself, refraining from slapping her girlfriend around the face in order to knock some form of sense into her. She'd tried, she really had. She'd tried and she'd fought; she'd argued with Peter and faced off against what seemed to be the whole of the staff at the Rosewood hospital…and Spencer had given her nothing in return. Not even a tiny shred of hope. <em>

_But she couldn't sever the compulsive tie that she had to the brunette; she couldn't step back as she'd been told to do by so many, she couldn't leave her to 'work it out for herself'. She was sick of strangers reassuring her that it was normal behavior; it may have been true for other patients- but this wasn't normal for Spencer. _

_In that moment, all the taller girl wanted to do was wrap her arms around her girlfriend, grabbing her tight and squeezing her until they became one- until Spencer's pain became hers…until she could fix her. _

_"Because we have to." Emily whispered, swallowing hard and fighting the urge to drop everything and take Spencer in her arms as she swung the door open, slinging Spencer's backpack over her shoulder and lifting her suitcase, before walking out and hoping that her girlfriend would follow. _

"Will you at least sit down then? If you're not going to bed?"

Her voice was pleading now, high pitched, almost begging. Seeing Spencer like this, seeing all of them like this, was getting to be physically painful. Her head pounded constantly, accompanied by an ominous twisting in her gut and the subsequent retching that filled her ears.

A symphony of pain. Of misery.

Of guilt.

They all said that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, and that-even if she had- there was nothing that she could have done.

"Fine, mom." She muttered, throwing herself into an armchair across the room, picking up a battered copy of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' that had been lying on the table.

Although the distance between them wasn't exactly what Emily had in mind, it was a start. She knew that any kind of rest, right now, was progress that they were both in desperate need of.

A sigh echoed around the room as Aria got up from her seat on the floor, stretching her arms above her head and yawning loudly,  
>"Well, I think I'm going to call it a night." She announced, smiling at Emily's grim nod of approval; the short brunette gave the tan girl's hand a tight squeeze, wishing her a goodnight and mouthing for her to notify her if there was anything that she could do, before turning to her best friend. "Tired, Han?"<p>

The blond nodded fervently, taking the offered hand and pulling herself off of the couch with it,  
>"Can we share a room?" She asked quietly, "This place is creepy."<p>

Calling out a cheerful goodnight to Spencer in unison, they left quickly, leaving the troubled pair in their ever condemning silence, with nothing but their troubles for company.

_"If you don't want our help, then don't take it, Spencer. If you don't want us around, just say the word, and I'll turn the car around right now, back to Rosewood and back to where you can sit and fester alone. If you want to let this control you, if you want to waste your life away- just let me know. But I swear to God, I will not watch you do that. If that's what you want to do, then we are over." _

Her earlier words echoed around her head in the absence of her girlfriend's voice, as her eyes flickered over the prone frame in the corner. In retrospect, ambushing the brunette as soon as she'd gotten out of the hospital with plans to migrate to her lake house- a place that, so far, didn't hold particularly fond memories for them- for four days to relax; especially when she knew that relaxing was the last thing on Spencer's agenda. Especially when it had been her mother's idea.

Actually, she'd decided against telling Spencer that it had been Veronica's idea to send them away for a few days, thinking that the notion probably would have done far more harm than good, giving the smaller girl far more reason to remain as intransigent as ever, than to attempt to heal herself.

The first step, after all, was admittance.

Not that she'd ever have told her, but Emily had done her research. So had Aria, and even Hanna had tried. Between the three of them, and Spencer's family, they'd read ever proposal, heard every anecdote and considered every option.

As far as the Hastings' were concerned, they'd spoken with her doctors, gotten the best- and most expensive- medication for her, had been assured that it wouldn't affect the family reputation and had sent her away until they were ready to hide it away properly; until all of the blurred edges were nice and sharp again.

Until they could pass themselves off as perfect once more.

But, in Emily's eyes, they weren't seeing the real problem.

The abnormalities in her heart, the lifestyle adjustment, the tests and the medications were just minor details in the main issue that only Emily seemed to have noticed.

That Spencer wasn't Spencer anymore.

Try as she might, the brunette wasn't adjusting particularly well to the doctors' orders. Bed rest and minimal workload didn't sit well with her at all.

Her exterior of normality was beginning to break now, to crack around the edges; at first, her valiant attempts at her usual routine had gone unnoticed- doing all her homework as soon as she got it, meeting her deadlines, extra credit assignments and using face time to participate in all of the meeting that she'd been forced to neglect during her hospital stay.

She'd been treading the rough waters of the storm that they were fighting for weeks; keeping herself afloat with a bucket load of essays and mindless trivia to fill her brain in the absence of her usual hectic life.

And now she was sinking.

It was the tiredness that showed it most, Emily thought- the bags under her eyes and the slight stoop in her shoulders, the drooping of her eyelids at eight o'clock in the evening when she'd taken take-out to the hospital and the hitching of her breath when she woke up after a fitful night's sleep.

It was a battle between her type-A personality and her biological demands.

And so far, they were both losing.

"Emily?" Spencer called out, her husky voice hoarse from the sleep she'd been avoiding. The tan girl looked up from her seat across the room, the hunger in her eyes as deep as the desperation in her girlfriends, "Will you take a walk with me?"

As desperate as she was to get back to normality, to spontaneity, to romantic gestures and reckless moments, the logical side of her brain was screaming at her, drowning her desire out with her maternal instincts,

"Spence, I-" She started, closing the newspaper that she'd opened, yet barely looked at, and staring intently at her best friend.

"Please, Em?" Spencer begged, "And don't say that it's not good for me, or that I need to rest, or it's not what the doctor told me- because I know that." She laughed wryly, her mouth twisting into an odd smirk, "I know that. Alright? I can feel that. But I also know that, right now, I need to talk with you. I need to clear my head; I need to feel your hand in mine. So, please, Em?"

Emily allowed her eyes to flutter close, relishing in the sweet provided moment of peace, of darkness and relaxation; as soon as they closed, the darkness consumed her, offering a utopia of quiet where the world simply waited for her to be ready to take it on- where she was in control.

Not that she would ever feel ready, she thought, to tackle the latest curveball that the universe had thrown at her, at them.

It seemed as though, with A out of the picture, karma was overcompensating for the, theoretically, easy life they should have been leading. It had been a mutual misconception of all four girls that, once they'd solved the A mystery, life would become the utopic place that had flashed before their eyes every time their phones had buzzed at A's hands. A place where the sky was blue and the birds chirped; where Aria and Ezra were allowed to be together, where Hanna was naturally thin, where Emily's mother didn't sicken at the sight of her, and Spencer's parent's actually cared. A place where homework and curfews were their only challenges. A dream.

It seemed to Emily as though, since A had stopped trying to tear their lives apart, the girls had started to do so themselves. Subconsciously, of course. With the outside threats out of the way, it had become almost an unknown competition, as to how many times they could screw something up for themselves, to be unhappy at their own hands; to take control.

And that's what Emily was trying- and failing- to do now.

To take control.

She'd tried to sabotage her own relationship already, treating herself as the bad luck charm of love, a curse, and deciding that Spencer was better off without her; she'd tried to leave her, to switch off her feelings, to tear her heart away from the brunette.

First it had been Alison, then Maya. The first two girls that she had ever loved, taken from her. Ripped away. Out of her hands, in front of her eyes.

She hadn't been able to save them. With Spencer, there was still hope.

So many times, she's planned it: grab her keys, get in her car and burn rubber till she hit Texas. Not even Texas, necessarily- she could go anywhere, empty her savings, start anew.

The closest she had gotten was staring at her keys.

Somehow, whenever her mind drifted toward leaving, something pulled her back.

Spencer pulled her back.

Even inside Emily's mind, Spencer was irrepressible.

Irrepressible. Intransigent. Intractable.

Irresistible.

"Okay." She whispered, finally opening her eyes and immediately finding Spencer's, even in the darkness that was now only penetrated by the slowly faded embers of the fire, "Okay." Emily gave her girlfriend a small nod, which Spencer returned with a shy smile and a nod of her own, glancing once more into the remains of the flames before making slowly toward the door.

There was a distinctive chill in the air as they stepped out of the lake house, and Emily had to bite her tongue to keep from advising her girlfriend to take a jacket; babying her now would only make her mad, and less likely to open up to her.

This was progress, all of it, she reminded herself.

Shutting the door quietly behind her, Spencer followed Emily out into the night- after having insisted silently on holding the heavy wooden door open for her- quickly falling into step beside her girlfriend. Their pace was slower than usual, closer to Hanna's walking-to-school-dawdle than Spencer's focused speed walk or Emily's athletic pace, but far from calm. The rhythmic sounds of their feet beating against the uneven earthy ground had an eerie echo around them that made Emily's heart race.

Something about the air didn't feel safe. Something about that night.

Ambling along aimlessly proved a lot harder than either of them had anticipated; the moonlight wasn't nearly enough for them to see by anymore, despite it having gotten brighter in their escapades, and their feet were beginning to struggle to uphold their weight. Emily's legs were shaking with newfound adrenaline- conjured up, she suspected, not by the spur of the moment night time outing, but by being alone with Spencer at last. Alone through Spencer's choice- and she was still struggling to shake the last remaining traces of fatigue from her head as she stumbled along the worn out path through the lakeside wilderness.

In the darkness, she was blind.

Blind to her direction, after only having ever visited this part of the lake twice before- recently, when she and Spencer had been searching for Hanna at Caleb's party, and once when the five of them had snuck out of the cabin through the bedroom window when vacationing with Spencer's family, to go skinny dipping in the lake.

A part of her hoped that the latter had something to do with what Spencer was planning.

Hope had become a large part of their lives lately.

Hoping, pleading, praying.

At least the recent surge of desire had distracted the both of them from anything that they might have done to sabotage their relationship themselves, helping them to hide both their questions and mismatched answers deep beneath the surface of reality. The darkness had long since consumed any hidden feelings between the two of them, uniting them against a common enemy- the way that A had done for so long.

An owl hooted somewhere in the distance and Emily jumped, her body shaking in the cold night air, the watery air whipping against her exposed skin as she stumbled onwards after her girlfriend, her eyes squinted against the constant spray of dirt that the wind was picking up and carrying towards them. The night nipped at her skin and she wished that she'd worn better clothing than the ripped jeans and tank top that she'd thrown on before school that day.

A patch of warmth spread through her body as Spencer's skin came into contact with hers unexpectedly, her hands jerkily knocking against hers as it slipped into her grasp. A funny tingling feeling fired up her arm, coursing through her veins and making her dizzy as she caught Spencer's shy explanatory smile.

Tugging slightly on her hand, Spencer began to walk again, slower now and much more comfortably- leisurely, almost- enjoying the contact that she'd been denying herself for weeks.

Even months into their relationship, years into their friendship, Emily still had her pull. Her magnetism.

Like forbidden fruit.

Temptation. Yes, Emily was temptation.

A temptation that Spencer had fought for years, was still fighting, and would always fight.

An uphill battle.

A battle that even Spencer Hastings would lose.


	21. One Million Billionth Millsecond

A/N

Hey readers.

Sorry this took so long; as always, I'll try not to take too long before the next update: but no promises, school is crazy right now! 

Enjoy and Review : )

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><p>Chapter Twenty One- One Million Billionth Millisecond of a Sunday Morning<p>

_"That tickles!" Spencer moaned though a giggle, shaking the sleep out of her eyes and rolling onto her back. Emily smirked as Spencer drew her bony knees up to her chest, knocking into Emily as she did and sending the taller girl sprawling on top off her. The tan girl's features curved into a sly smile as her hands darted out towards her best friends body, drifting over her skin before delving under her arms, digging themselves into a spot that she'd long ago learnt drove her best friend crazy. _

_"E-em-Emily!" She giggled through a series of pants, locking her arms determinedly against her sides and trapping the younger girl's body against hers. Relenting, Emily stilled her hands and collapsed on top of her best friend, flattening her entirely underneath her. _

_"This is what I love about you." The brunette sighed, the cogs whirring fiercely in her thirteen year old brain as she tried her hardest to comprehend what she was feeling, "I don't have to be perfect for you." The taller girl grinned, nestling her face into her best friends neck,  
>"No," She whispered, shyly placing a soft kiss against the pale skin of her collar bone, "You're already perfect to me."<em>

Skin.

Before Emily, Spencer had never seen the appeal of it before, the raw sexual magnetism that a thin layer of epidermis could provide.

Before Emily, Spencer had never seen the appeal of anything. She'd just never realized it.

Without even a single trace of sleep in her head, Spencer pulled herself up off of the pillows that she'd been lying in a mess of, and angled her body so that she was directly over Emily. Her eyes widened, her pupils dilating so widely she was sure that, if she tried, she could capture the entire moment.

Gently, her hand rose from her side and slowly swept her girlfriend's long, dark hair back off of her neck, spreading it out across the sheer white pillows, creating a pit of temptation that she would have gladly fallen into; leaving a thin patch of skin open to her, like a glowing patch of light in the darkness of the dawn. Swallowing hard, the brunette wet her lips tentatively, pressing them to her girlfriend's burning skin like Eve to the apple that the snake forbade.

Sweetness flooded through her body.

She sucked, gently at first, getting harder and more fervent as she moved south, using each kiss that she dropped onto her girlfriend's body as a way to delve deeper inside her, sucking more of her soul, her pain, her desire, into her own body with each taste she dared steal.

Gently she relinquished the reigns that had held her in such perfect position for the most part of her life, allowing her hands to wander to her girlfriend's chest, fumbling with shaking fingers around the top button of the oversize shirt that her girlfriend had adorned to sleep in.

"Hmmm," The taller girl moaned in her sleep, "Spence…" Her eyes flickered slightly, as she subconsciously grabbed Spencer's head and pulled it closer to her chest. The brunette smirked, indulging her girlfriend and rubbing her face against her breasts, kissing gently between them.

With a sudden sense of clarity, Emily sat bolt upright, knocking Spencer fully into her lap as she looked the situation up and down. Her eyebrow quirked questioningly and Spencer grinned in response, a mischievous smirk lighting her eyes and radiating warmth through her girlfriend's body.

"Not that this isn't a pleasant way to wake up, but what the hell are you doing?" Spencer laughed, playfully pushing against the taller girl's shoulders and guiding her back toward the mattress again,  
>"What do you think I'm doing?" She teased, straddling her girlfriend's stomach and hovering inches above her lips, both seduction and moisture dripping from her.<p>

"I, uh, I honestly don't know." Emily said lamely, looking away and down, deliberately avoiding Spencer's eyes. Truthfully, she did know what Spencer was doing, she definitely knew; the real question was, what was _she_ doing? She'd wanted this for weeks. She'd wanted Spencer. Long, gut wrenching days of sitting through classes, staring at the brunette's empty seat; tedious hours of relentless studying, without that winning smile and the stolen glances over their books. And even longer nights; alone, with only the memory of her girlfriend's touch for company.

But now she was here.

And Emily was rejecting her.

"Right." Spencer murmured curtly, rolling off of Emily and on to her back, staring up at the ceiling and trying to count the slats of wood that hung there. The taller girl groaned internally, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to articulate the whirling in her brain. "You don't want me."

"God no, Spencer." She moaned, kicking herself for even hesitating, "It's not that. It's this. Us." Keeping her eyes fixed on the ceiling, she felt around blindly until she found her girlfriend's hand under the sheets; slotting their fingers together, she gave it a light tug, pulling the smaller girl's attention in her direction.

"Last night gave me a lot to think about."

"Last night gave me new perspective."

"I know."

"I know."

"It scared me."

"Me too."

"I know."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Feeling the sorrow emanating from Spencer's eyes as she blinked slowly at the ceiling, Emily reached tugged her hand out of Spencer's grasp and ran it over to rest on the soft, warm skin of her best friend's stomach- Spencer was a little too warm for her liking (probably from their escapades last night in down by the lake) and she had to bite her tongue from asking if she felt feverish. But she wasn't willing to jeopardize this newly sprung calm.

"Spencer…" She whispered, rubbing her hand up and down , "You need to know that nothing that you said last night changes anything. Okay? The way I feel about you will never change, I need you to know that. And no matter what happens between us, I am always going to be there for you; one way or another."

Spencer gulped and Emily could feel the knots forming underneath her hand.

"You know," She choked, her voice cracking as she did, "It sounds an awful lot like you're breaking up with me right now."

Emily had opened her mouth to respond, but was forced to clamp it shut again as her girlfriend started to cry, biting her tongue hard in the process. In a desperate, flailing attempt, she squeezed the brunette's hip.

"No."

* * *

><p>"I'm going to get you for that!" Spencer yeller gleefully, a devilish smirk crossing her features as Hanna squealed and began thrashing about in the water, headed in no real direction at all. Droplets of water spiraled through the air in her direction, spattering her face with moisture and flattening her waterlogged hair to her head; so far, the blond had done a good job of keeping herself dry from her shoulders up, not willing to sacrifice her freshly washed hair or the make-up that the others weren't even sure why she'd applied.<p>

Within seconds, the brunette had the shorter girl by the waist, pulled tightly against her and splashing about with all her might as she emitted a constant stream of squealing laughter.

"Say you're sorry!" The brunette demanded, holding the blond further above the surface of the water, feeling her pale legs kicking against her own.

"Never." Hanna giggled.

Spencer quirked an eyebrow, a small smirk gracing her blue tinged lips as she dropped her best friend from her hold, grabbing her head in one hand and ducking her underwater, laughing as a string of bubbles rose up to the surface around her waist. Not wanting to hurt her, she relinquished her hold quickly; laughing all the time at the blond's shocked expression as she surfaced.

"Thanks, McCullers." Hanna spluttered in Spencer's direction, spitting lake water out of her mouth as she spoke. Spencer ignored the retort and poked out her tongue, sending a small, rippling splash in the direction of her best friend.

"They grow up so fast." Aria cooed sarcastically from the bank of the lake, where she was sat with Emily, dangling her feet in the cool water,  
>"Or not, as the case may be." The tan girl laughed, gesturing out in front of her to where her girlfriend was attempting to dunk her blond counterpart's head underwater for a second time,<br>"Yeah, or not." Aria agreed quietly.

It was around midday, and for the spring it was surprisingly warm out by the water- they'd had a good few days of sun, before they'd driven out, and the water now resembled something along the lines of inviting, at least it had done to Spencer.

She'd been adamant since breakfast that she'd wanted to swim, and Emily hadn't had the heart to tell her no, especially after the great deal of emotional pain she'd caused her, both that morning and the night before. Try as she might, she couldn't fathom out her girlfriend's odd behavior; so much so, she'd even contemplated telling Aria about what had happened between them out by the lake, after she and Hanna had excused themselves the night before- but she was pretty sure that Spencer wouldn't be too thrilled if she found out, so she'd bitten her tongue so far.

Her eyes drifted across the surface of the lake to where her girlfriend was splashing around in its center, the soft blue motions of the water rippling around her.

Even in the water, Spencer was the center of everything.

Dressed in a sleek black swimsuit, her pale skin looked unhealthy, paper white and thin beyond compare, even more than usual, her prominent ribs protruded dangerously, her tiny arms doing nothing to cover them from sideways on- even from a distance, it looked to Emily like she was turning blue.

"She's fine." Aria assured her best friend, placing a comforting hand on her thigh, "Seriously, she's a big girl- she can take care of herself. Besides, Hanna's watching out for her.

Emily smiled wryly, her eyes trained on the spot beside her where her fingers were tracing patterns in the dirt,  
>"I know…but she's sick, Aria." She bit, her bottom lip threatening to tremble as she flicked her eyes back upward towards her best friends huge, brown orbs, "She only got out of the hospital yesterday! She needs someone to take care of her. And that should be me. Not Hanna, not you. Me!" She was losing her temper fast now, and she had no idea why. Aria hadn't done anything to upset her, not really, all she'd meant was that neither Emily, nor Spencer, were alone in all this.<p>

But there was something about the way that Aria looked at Spencer that made her feel impotent. Something about the way that Hanna made her laugh. They way that the blond always seemed to sense what she was thinking, and seemed to know exactly how to handle it.

Sometimes Emily even thought that they might be better suited than she and her girlfriend were.

It was crazy, she knew. Spencer was in love with her, and she reciprocated that fully, but things with Spencer were so different to anything that she'd ever experienced before that it scared her. With Alison, everything had been entirely ambiguous, but she knew she could always count on her, if she really needed her to come through; with Maya, things were intense, so much so that she'd often tried to convince her girlfriend to stop spending time with the others, to give them more time to themselves (not that Emily would ever have admitted that to Spencer).

Spencer was neither.

Spencer was both.

Ambiguity and intensity.

Different.

Good different.

Scary different.

"Emily." Aria warned slowly, removing her comforting hand and staring pointedly at her best friend's turned face. Before she could say anything more, the tan girl had already shot her an apologetic look and her signature weak smile.

"I'm sorry." She murmured.

Aria nodded. As much as she wanted to stay mad at the younger girl, she knew she couldn't: she knew what she was dealing with. She'd been there, with Mike; in that dark place where she'd been so ready to help, so able, and her brother had just pushed her away without a second thought. It had taken her months to convince herself that she had to let him make his own mistakes.

She was about to relay this anecdote to Emily, but she thought better of it- advice was the last thing Emily needed to hear right now. Especially after last night.

As subtle as they'd thought they'd been, Aria knew what had happened between them the night before; or, at least, she knew that something had happened. She always did. Like a sixth sense. She found that it happened with Hanna mainly (something to do with the blond's transparency), but there was something about Emily that she found strangely predictable. Like a book that she hadn't quite finished, but had read enough of to guess the ending.

She knew enough to know that she was floundering in her relationship.

She was floundering, and Spencer was sinking.

"Em?" She asked softly; the dark haired girls eyes had glossed over and she didn't want to wake her too harshly, "How about we go inside and start preparing lunch? They're going to be hungry when they get out." She pulled her feet out of the water and rubbed them dry on the towel she'd been sitting on before slipping on her shoes. She glanced down at her best friend- from her great height of five feet- and smiled at her lack of response, before taking her by the shoulder and giving her a gentle shake.

"She's going to get cold." Emily whispered almost inaudibly, her eyes still trained on her girlfriend's prone form, now floating contently on her back in the center of the lake.

"She'll be fine, Em." The brunette whispered sternly, crouching down beside her best friend and giving her hand a light squeeze, "Hanna's looking out for her, and she's having a good time. You need to loosen the leash a little."

The leash comment had stung, and she knew it, but it was what Emily had needed to hear. Reluctantly, she lifted her feet out of the water and slipped them, still wet, into her battered sneakers, never once taking her eyes off of Spencer. Once upright, she stood for a second on the bank, gazing out across the lake toward the same figure that she'd been watching for years.

"Come on Em," Aria tugged on her hand, the note of gentility still in her calming voice, "They need some time."

* * *

><p>"This is nice, isn't it?" Hanna asked lazily, floating on her back next to her best friend. Spencer smirked, lifting a hand up to her face to shield her eyes from the sun as she turned toward the blond,<br>"Yeah, I guess it is."

"You shouldn't be mad at Emily, you know." She probed. That was, secretly, possibly Spencer's favorite things about the blond; never, in all the time that she'd known her, had she once bothered to bite her tongue regards something that she thought might have an effect on her friendship. Between the two of them, there were no secrets. No lies.

It was refreshing.

"She's only trying to help."

"She's worried."

"She cares about you."

"She loves you."

And she was persistent. Possibly the most persistent person that Spencer had ever met- besides herself, of course.

There was an eerie silence that surrounded them once Hanna ceased to speak, knowing that she'd said enough already. The silence brought with it an unfamiliar calm, the same sort of anxious relief that they'd both been filled with on the night that they'd unmasked A- before Maya's body had been uncovered.

Before the ground had been ripped out from under them once again.

Before everything had changed.

"Hanna?" Spencer asked shakily, all of the usual Hastings' self certainty having disappeared from her voice. "I did something really stupid last night."


	22. I Would For You

Hello, loyal readers. That's if I haven't lost you all through my lack of updating.

And I wouldn't blame you if I had.

Just, bear with me, this story IS going somewhere.

I promise.

Let us begin.

* * *

><p>Chapter Twenty Two- I Would For You<p>

_The sky was an inky blue and the moon was full and round, hanging perfectly in the center of the lake. The water glistened like a thousand diamonds. Glowing. The rocks underfoot barely crunched as feet stepped gingerly across them. There was silence. Like in the movies, the sort of picturesque scene that Spencer was convinced only existed there. _

_It was colder than either of them had anticipated by this point, and even Spencer was wishing that she'd brought a jacket as the icy wind increased upon reaching the end of the protection that the trees had provided them with. The incandescent reflection of the moon on the water provided some internal warmth, but none sufficient enough to keep the shivers from their skin as they stood under the eyes of the stars. _

_There was a disconcerting feeling over the two of them, as though they were being watched. Not in a bad way, not in the way of A, but as though some higher power was monitoring them. Don't screw this up. This is another chance. Watching, protecting. _

_Maybe. _

_A sense of thrill coursed through Emily's veins as she stood, watching her girlfriend somewhat cautiously on the banks of the lake. In all the years of the two of them being close, they'd never done anything like this before. Not even in the times of Alison and her relentless scheming- her insistence to be reckless. Thinking about it, Emily guessed that she'd probably have more willing to partake if she'd known that the memories the five of them made would be the only memories that Alison would ever get of friendship. It felt odd to her, living without Alison; not all the time, in a creepy or depressing way, but at moments like this. Ali had always been the leader of the group, the one who did everything first, the one who knew the most about life. Moments like this saddened her a little when she thought of how Alison would never feel the thrill of being reckless with someone she loved again. The adrenaline of breaking the rules that she had loved so much. _

_She was sure that the feeling of being watched was stemming from her best friend; that Alison was watching her somewhere, somehow. _

_And she didn't mind. _

"Hey, look who's back." Aria grinned in greeting as Spencer and Hanna wandered into the dining room; it had been a little over four hours since she and Emily had left to start lunch, and it had ended up turning into dinner. The brunette had her suspicions as to why it had taken the two so long, the first being that Spencer was avoiding facing up to the ramifications of whatever she had done the night before, but she understood how therapeutic the time spent with her best friend could prove to be for her, so she'd let them slide.

"We decided against lunch, as the two of you were MIA for so long, but we've got spaghetti on the stove and I think Emily's preparing a salad as we speak, so dinner shouldn't be too long now."  
>Spencer could tell that Aria was being deliberately careful to keep the mood as light as possible, and she was grateful of that in spite of the slightly patronizing note in her tone,<br>"If one of you could set the table, that would be useful." She said pointedly, her arm extending in the direction of the table, where she'd already stacked a pile of cutlery and placemats.

"Do you mind, Han? I'm going to go grab a sweatshirt if that's alright, the water was really cold." The blond nodded in agreement and Aria smiled endearingly as the brunette darted out of the room with an unfamiliar spring in her step.

"What's with her? It's like she's just instantaneously snapped out of the funk that she's been in for the past few months." Hanna grinned and shrugged at her best friend, taking the placemat that she handed her and setting it down between a knife and fork on the table,  
>"She's just feeling better, that's all."<p>

"You didn't let her smoke anything, did you?" The brunette asked apprehensively, raising her eyebrows and eyeing the blond warily,  
>"No." She drawled sarcastically, putting a glass to the right of each place setting as she did,<br>"Eat anything?" Hanna glared at her best friend over the width of the wooden kitchen table,  
>"No, Aria. Nor did I give her anything to drink, inhale or inject herself with. We talked, that's all. We talked and messed around like little kids on vacation. And somewhere between talking about her problems and letting go of everything else, she started to feel better. And I'm sorry that neither you nor Emily could do that for her, but I did."<p>

Aria nodded meekly, her big brown eyes more sorrowful than usual.

"I know. I'm sorry; I didn't mean that I didn't think you were capable of helping her out, I was just really shocked that she was so happy, you know? She's been so dark lately, I just wasn't expecting it."

"Fine." The blond nodded.

"Anything I can help with?" Spencer asked as she sauntered into the kitchen to find Emily busy chopping lettuce and stirring a pan of what smelt like tomato sauce. The tan girl smiled and turned around at the sound of her voice, immediately taking in her damp hair and outsize hoodie.

"You could stir this for me." She offered, lifting the wooden spoon out of the pan and holding it out to Spencer, who nodded and took it instantly, "You look like you had fun."

The brunette rolled her eyes, dropping the spoon into the sauce with a slight clang and taking her girlfriend by the shoulders,  
>"If that's your way of saying 'you look tired' or 'you look sick' then don't. I already dried off thoroughly, I'm wearing three layers, and after we eat I'm going to take my meds and a long hot fire, and then I'm intent on going to bed early and curling up with my gorgeous girlfriend. Okay?"<p>

She planted a quick kiss on Emily's cheek with a smirk before starting to stir the spoon around in the thick, red liquid.

"Sorry." Emily smiled weakly, "That sounds like a great plan."

_"Do you ever look at the moon and wonder how it stays there?" Spencer asked her quietly, having stared intently at the sky since they'd arrived on the shores and now turning her head toward Emily. Her girlfriend was taken aback. The answer to her question was scientific; she knew the answer, and she was certain that Spencer knew it too, they'd studied it in great deal together in the ninth grade- they'd even made a project, with Hanna and Alison, on how the solar system worked, with moving parts and everything. _

_But she still shook her head. _

_"It's the stars." Spencer informed her confidently, her voice low and husky in the same way that it always was late at night, "It holds it in balance. They're all positioned, you know, deliberately. They don't need to make up analogies, or categorize themselves, or even find any title to their place- like we do- they just know. They know, by nature, and by the way of the world, that that is their place, and that is where they need to be. It holds the moon in balance. Like an axis." _

_Emily nodded, absorbing everything that Spencer was teaching her. She'd learnt, even before they were friends, not to be skeptical about anything the brunette told her was true; if Spencer said it was fact, she'd never find any evidence to the contrary. _

_"Like an axis." She repeated carefully after her girlfriend, who nodded as a form of conformation. _

_"Exactly. But it's not just about gravity, like everyone thinks." Spencer began again, and Emily's insides tickled with laughter as she realized that she was in for a science lesson. Not that she minded; Spencer could be incredibly romantic with her brain. "It's about the little things. That's what makes it happen. The density of the air; the speed of the orbits; the distance from the earth." _

_"The position of the stars." _

_Spencer grinned as Emily cut across her, nodding in agreement and turning to look back up at the moon in awe,  
>"The position of the stars." She repeated. "The position of the stars." <em>

"You guys could put Martha Stewart out of business." Spencer smiled as she licked what she thought was the last of the sauce from around her lips. Emily giggled and reached out her hand, cupping the smaller girl's chin in her hand and using her thumb to wipe away the smear of red that lay just to the right of her lips.

"Thank you." Emily grinned, "You're lucky, if you and Hanna were here alone you'd starve to death."  
>"We would not." Hanna replied indignantly, "I can order pizza better than anyone I know. And I know Spencer's credit card number by heart."<p>

Emily chuckled,  
>"I'm sure you do."<p>

Spencer yawned loudly and stretched her arms above her chair, drawing everyone's attention to clock on the wall above Aria's head. It was only just after seven, but they'd been up early that morning and the stress of life in general was beginning to wear them all down slowly.

"I'm going to go take a shower, I still have lake water in my places that it should not be in." Spencer laughed, stacking her empty plate on top of Emily's and making to carry them to the kitchen.

"It's okay, I'll do the dishes." Hanna offered, getting up from the table and taking them from Spencer, her three best friend's adorning matching looks of disbelief. "What?" She asked confusedly, smiling a little at them as she took Aria's plate and balanced it on top of the stack in her hands.

"Nothing, Han…" Emily started, "It's just, I've lived with you for almost a year now, and we've been friends for a lot longer than that, and I have never once seen you offer to do any form of domestic chore willingly."

The blond laughed as she walked off in the direction of the door, pointing to Emily as she turned to open it,  
>"First time for everything. Now go, shower with Spencer."<p>

* * *

><p>"God you're beautiful." Emily smiled from the doorway of the bathroom as she watched Spencer wrap herself in a towel upon stepping out of the shower; the brunette blushed and looked away shyly as she squeezed out her long, dark hair and secured the towel around her chest.<p>

She suddenly felt self-conscious in a way that she wasn't used to. Her body was scarred now, in a way that it never had been: she'd gone from being skinny, to unhealthy; from pale, to deathly. There were small scars dotted around her body from where IV drips and cannulas had been placed during her hospital stay.

And there was Emily, calling her beautiful.

Emily, with her perfect skin and her soulful eyes, her long legs and full, rounded breasts; her perfect smile and thick hair, falling perfectly around in face and down her back.

The personification of perfection.

Tentatively, she allowed Emily to wrap her arms around her shoulders and pull her into her body so that her head was resting in the crook of her neck. The long fingers of her girlfriend's left hand tangled in Spencer's tangled wet hair, massaging her scalp in the therapeutic way that only she could muster. The towel between them felt too thick, but Spencer wasn't ready to let it drop again, afraid of what it might instigate.

After last night, their relationship had altered beyond anything that either of them could have imagined, and Spencer was pretty sure that neither of them could work out whether or not it had changed for the better or the worse.

But it had changed.

"You're my star."

The smaller girl smirked but Emily swore she felt a tear drip onto her neck.

"Hold me in balance?"

_The ground was cold and soft with the scattered drops of water that splashed across from the lake with the gentle breeze, coating the rocks with a thin layer of mud and water. But her head was spinning, and her legs were shaking (for reasons she couldn't identify) so badly that she felt she couldn't stand any longer. Spencer had already lowered herself to the ground, and was- curiously- laying on her back, by the water's edge, with her bare feet and ankles dangling in the water. _

_It reminded Emily of the eccentric side of Spencer that she hadn't seen in years. To be honest, she wasn't sure if anyone else had ever gotten to see that side of her (and, until further proof was provided, she was entirely willing to pretend that it was a privilege reserved specifically for her). The Spencer that, secretly, swam naked in her family's pool every night after they went to bed, because she'd seen someone do it in a movie once. The Spencer that, for a whole year had kept a detailed journal, with each days entry written in a different self-invented code, so that no one could even try to read her personal thoughts. The Spencer that had run away from home to Emily's house and told her father that, from then on, she would be living with them, if that was quite alright. _

_The Spencer who lived purely for herself, and for the sake of doing so. Not for her family, or her grades or perfection. When she truly didn't care about what other people thought of her, before she began pretending she didn't._

_She leaned back on the rocks, craning her head until she caught a glimpse of Emily, and shot the girl a lazy smile, knowing that she was watching her. She knew that her girlfriend thought she had a plan, some form of reasoning behind this escapade, this insanity. _

_But she didn't. _

_Not so much a plan as a few garbled ideas, possibilities that floated around in her head tainted with the scent of Emily's perfume. They were her future, they were her past. _

_"You're my star." _

_Her whispered tasted of cold air and the faint taste of the hot chocolate that Aria had made for her as they'd sat by the fire, topped with whipped cream and marshmallows, with a drizzle of chocolate sauce in a shape that vaguely resembled an 'S'. A poor attempt at normality. She hadn't felt like drinking it, but Aria had put in so much effort that she had done anyway. _

_"You're my star." She repeated, "People say that all the time. My dad even said it to me once, as a kid. I was thrilled, but it wasn't real. It wasn't because I'd gotten good grades, or won a competition or anything like that, he was mad at Melissa for knocking a glass off of the counter top and I found a broom to clear it up with. It was only because he was mad at her." _

_Emily murmured something to soft for Spencer to hear, and she wasn't even sure if it was meant as speech, or just as the regular backchannel that people tend to give off when they feel it's necessary. It felt nice though, the soft mumble. Warm. _

_"You're my star though, Em. And I mean that, in the best way possible. You can take it how you like, however it feels best to you, like it means the most. But to me, it'll always mean that you hold me in balance. You're everything. The little things, the big things. You're my axis. You're my star." _

"Oh, I almost forgot." Spencer announced as she jumped up from her place on the hearth; the four of them had resigned the day to being almost entirely useless, and were now sat by the fire at eight pm on a Saturday night, tired and relatively happy. A scrabble board lay discarded to the side of them, with the tiles piled up in neat rows on the squares, a battered copy of _The Catcher In The Rye_ next to it, lying open at Spencer's favorite page. Empty mugs were settled by the side of the rug, all of them empty bar Hanna's, which she was still cradling, although Aria was pretty certain that it had stopped being hot chocolate about three mugs ago.

"Here we go." The brunette dropped back down in front of the fire between Aria and Emily, the brown paper package in her lap that her two best friend's had given her in the hospital. She'd been contemplating it on and off since they'd given it to her, but she hadn't yet opened it.

"You didn't open it?" Hanna asked, taking another long sip of 'cocoa' and grinning like an idiot,  
>"Yes, Hanna. Of course I opened it." Spencer muttered sarcastically, focusing intently on the package in her hands. She untied the string carefully and moved it to the side before straightening the edges of the paper. In typical Aria style, she'd decorated it all over with quirky drawings and calligraphic writing, each depicting some sort of event from their past. Pictures of Emily swimming with Spencer and the others screaming on the sidelines, a pumpkin with an amusing interpretation of Spencer dressed as Mary Queen of Scotts accompanying it and a very detailed sketch of each of the girls in general. The letters 'Team Sparia' caught her eye and she grinned at the brunette before she pulled the paper clean off and spread it out on the floor in front of her.<p>

"This is ancient history." She murmured, marveling at the tattered leather bound book that had fallen into her lap. A feeling of warmth flooded through her body as she turned it over in her hands carefully, admiring the creases in the spine and the nail polish lettering.

"Oh my God." Emily groaned, shuffling across the floor and leaning across to see over Spencer's shoulder, her fingers darted out and traced over the cover slowly.

It was red nail polish. Alison's choice, of course: Spencer would have gone with black (she was also still adamant that her handwriting would have been the better choice) but Ali had won, once again.

"I haven't seen this thing in years."

Spencer shook her head slowly in agreement, a tear rolling softly down her cheek as she flipped open the first page and traced her fingers over the worn page.

"Are you okay, babe?" Emily whispered, resting her chin against Spencer's shoulder so that she almost felt the words before she heard them.  
>"Yeah." Spencer whispered back, "Just a lot of memories."<p>

"Nice job, cheering her up with something that's making her cry." Hanna sniggered at Aria, earing herself a disapproving look from her best friend and a smile from Spencer as she wiped her eyes.

"It's okay. Really. Honestly, this might be the one thing that can help."

_She pulled her feet out of the water slowly, ignoring the alarming purplish blue color that her skin had turned in the icy climate, and stood slowly, beginning to pace eerily around the rocks, her eyes now as transfixed on Emily as they had been before on the stars. _

_"When my world's falling apart, I look at you, Emily. And I always will. When we're ninety, I want you to be the person that I take my false teeth out in front of and fall into bed next to. I want to have children with you, someday. I want to be the first person that you reach for when you climb out of the pool at the Olympics, after you've won your first gold medal. I need you to be the light I look for in the window when I can't find my way home anymore." _

_Spencer swallowed hard against her speech, only stopping momentarily to take a breath. Breathing was something she'd forgotten to do a whole lot of lately. With one last, shaky look up at the stars above them, she stopped pacing and dropped down beside her girlfriend, the gravelly stones digging hard into her knee and her hands braced upon the taller girl's shoulder._

_"With that being said…Would it be totally crazy if I asked you to marry me right now?"_


	23. All That You Can't Leave Behind

**A/N**

Now, guys, this is a moderately important Author's note, so I'd advise you to read it- even if you don't normally.

First, I'd like to send huge condolences to anyone who has suffered as a result of Hurricane Sandy. I hope that this madness stops soon.

Secondly, I'd like to announce that this story will be officially on hiatus as soon as I post this update. This is as a result of severe writer's block (on this story); I have ideas, yet no way of expressing them currently. However, this is an attempt at reverse psychology on myself, as I'm hoping that Murphy's Law will dictate that as soon as I announce the hiatus, I'll be hit with a sudden burst of creativity.

My other stories, however, will still be in action.

Thank you, as always, to anyone who reads this fic. If you want to, review. I love reading your reviews, and maybe some of them will help to get me out of this creative slump.

Now, ladies and gents, without further ado: Chapter Twentythree...

* * *

><p>Chapter Twenty Three- All That You Can't Leave Behind<p>

"…Number Seventeen: pull two consecutive all-nighters. Number Eighteen: Skinny dip on a beach at sunset. Number nineteen-"

"Whoa, how old are these?" Hanna groaned as Spencer began to read a page of the book aloud,  
>"About three years now, I guess." Aria whispered, leaning over Spencer's shoulder at the pages. "We wrote so many. Look," She beckoned to Hanna and Emily, "List of things you can only do with your best friends; list of really good dares; list of good sleepover games…"<p>

"List of things we want to do together before we turn thirty nine." Spencer finished for Aria, smirking as she flicked through the remaining blank pages of the book.

"Why was it thirty nine, again?" Aria asked, her brown eyes lit up with the hope that her plan was working.  
>"Because of Alison." Hanna laughed, nudging Spencer playfully.<p>

"Yes," The brunette agreed, "Because of Ali. Because Ali insisted that, when you turned forty, you became too old to do anything remotely interesting."

"Do you remember writing that?"

"Of course we do," Emily grinned, "It took us eleven hours. Mainly because you kept fighting with Alison about which order to put them in." Spencer smiled sadly, looking up at her girlfriend over the top of the book,  
>"It's strange how none of that matters anymore." She whispered, "Because she's gone."<p>

Aria squeezed her shoulder gently, pointing at a line on the page Spencer was holding the book open at,  
>"Number Seventy Six: Take a spontaneous trip. I guess this counts." Hanna grinned at her, snatching the book out of her hands,<br>"I wonder how many things we've done on this without realizing it." She pondered aloud, "I bet it's a lot. We've done some pretty awesome stuff together."

She turned the pages back to the start of the list and began to read through it, picking up a pen and marking each one she came across that they'd already accomplished. Aria excused herself to get more drinks, and the room was left in a comfortable silence that thrived on the reminiscence of the four.

"I want to finish it."

Spencer's voice was hoarse from the late hour and her eyelids were beginning to droop, but she was clear and concise as ever. She locked her eyes on to Emily's as she gestured toward the book in Hanna's hands.

"The list. I want to finish it."

Emily sighed heavily, pressing her lips together in a tight smile as she devoured Spencer's gaze with her own,  
>"It's just a list."<p>

Spencer's face fell, her bottom lip quivering and her cheeks flushing red with disappointment at her girlfriend's words.  
>"It's not just a list, Em. We wrote that together, the five of us, the year that Alison was killed. That was always the plan- we were going to accomplish everything on the list together. Ali never got the chance…and I might not either."<p>

Her hold had broken now and heavy tears were rolling thick and fast down her face, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs. Shaky breaths were drawn into her rattling chest only briefly before being propelled back out with utmost force. Her lips were swollen with tears and her mouth had fallen open, catching the tears as they flooded across her rosy cheeks.

"I might not get a chance to do all those things, Emily!" She shouted, taking her girlfriend by surprise, "I'm dying Em, and you know it. I'm dying."

Immobilized by Spencer's words, Emily sat stock still- frozen into silence as she watched her best friend rock back and forth through her tears. It hurt her, to see her like this. And it was that pang of hurt that made her understand exactly how Spencer had been feeling. Impotent. Alone. Scared.

She choked out an incoherent response but it was already too late, Spencer had gotten up and left the room already. Staggering a little under the emotional weight of the situation, Emily made to follow her, only to be caught and pulled back by Hanna's hand on her shoulder.

"Em," She warned softly, leading you gently by the shoulders to the couch, "Leave her."

Emily nodded slowly at her best friend, rouge tears leaking from her eyes as she allowed herself to be pulled into a warm embrace by the girl beside her.  
>"We all want to help her, Em." Hanna soothed, stroking Emily's hair softly as the taller girl cried into her shoulder, "But she's trying to deal with this as much as we are. She's scared, and she needs us more than she knows, but she also needs some time to process everything. This is a big adjustment for her."<p>

"I'm really scared for her, Han." Emily admitted, sniffling as she sat up and pulled away from the blond, "I'm really worried that she's not going to listen, that she's not going to take her meds or she's going to overdo it and that she'll take it too far…and that we'll lose her."

Hanna smiled wryly, her hand traveling down to Emily's leg and giving her knee a reassuring squeeze.

"She will, Em." She smirked, "Its Spencer. We know she's not going to listen; the important thing is that we're there for her when she finally has to deal with this."

"I don't know if I can do that." Emily whispered, her voice cracking with insuppressible emotion.

"You already are."

_ "Out of all the things I was expecting...that was definitely not one of them."  
>Emily was speaking as slowly as she could in an attempt to give herself any extra thinking time she could afford.<br>Spencer groaned.  
>"No, no, Spence, not in a bad way." She assured her, easing herself up from her seat on the bank of the lake and directing her feet toward where her girlfriend was pacing.<br>"In a good way?" The brunette asked hopefully, a dry irony filling her eyes. Emily took a deep shaky breath.  
>"In an I'm-still-in-shock way."<br>"Oh."  
>Spencer's footsteps were still directing themselves in the direction of the water.<br>"Spence, I-" Emily tried again, her feet gliding across the muddy sand toward her girlfriend with an unexpected elegance. "I- I just-"  
>"It's okay." Spencer whispered, her wide eyes filled with more soul than Emily thought that the world had collectively, "I get it. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry."<br>In exasperation, Emily closed her eyes, pressing her frozen lips together in a numb line.  
>"No, Spencer, I...I just...don't you think we're a little, you know, young?"<br>She nodded slowly, dipping her toes carefully into the icy water of the lake.  
>"I'm aware of how old we are, Emily."<br>She inhaled calmly. Deep breaths were the only thing that was getting her through the conversation.  
>"Spence...we're seventeen years old. How many marriages between teenagers actually work out?"<br>Shrugging her shoulders, Spencer lowered herself to the ground, rolling up the legs of her jeans and slipping her bare legs into the murky water.  
>"I didn't mean now." She whispered into her reflection, staring into her own eyes in a moment of reminiscence before she turned her face upward to her girlfriend's sympathy.<br>The look of hurt in Emily's eyes was enough to make her regret everything she'd ever said.  
>"I didn't mean now."<br>Emily nodded, slowly climbing down to the edge of the lake and sitting down next to her girlfriend, resting their knees together.  
>"I know that it can't work out now." Spencer admitted, her frozen blue lips quaking as she spoke, "I just...I just don't know what to do, Em. I've had my whole life planned out since I was six, and now that's all changed. I just thought that, if I knew that you'd always be there, I thought that the future might be a little less scary."<br>Letting out a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding, Emily rested her head against Spencer's shaking shoulder, allowing the smaller girl to wrap and arm around her.  
>"God, Em. I wasn't serious. Well, I kind of was. Am, I mean. I mean, I do want to marry you. But, Em. I don't have a plan or anything, God, Emily, I don't even have a ring. I have nothing."<br>Emily sighed, rolling her head to the side to look up at her best friend.  
>"Come here." She whispered, cupping her girlfriend's face in her hand as she held her at eye level, her free hand busying itself with the locks of limp curls by Spencer's ear.<br>"What are you-?" The brunette mumbled as she felt Emily's fingers begin to twist themselves around her ear. She heard a click and Emily grinned, withdrawing her hand slowly, one of Spencer's gold hoop earrings from the depths of her curls.  
>"Here. Now you have a ring." She murmured, taking her girlfriend's right hand and slipping the tiny gold circle around her pinky. "It won't fit me." She explained, securing the back of the earring around her finger, "But you're skinny enough."<br>Spencer grinned, tears forming in her already watery eyes as she met her gaze with Emily's.  
>"But you don't have anything, now." She whispered disappointedly, the smile fading from her gaunt face. Emily shook her head.<br>"That's not true." She whispered into Spencer's ear, wrapping her arm around her and pulling her down to her chest, "I have you."_

"Spencer." Her voice rang out loud and clear across the expansive wooden interior of the bedroom. Floorboards creaked as she made her way across the room to where her girlfriend sat facing the wall on the far side of the bed. There was barely a murmur in response from the brunette, even when she tried again. Nothing, save for the increasing volume of her breath.  
>It sounded like she was struggling to breathe, but she didn't dare call her out on it- to call Spencer out in a fury would be like blowing a house of cards. Catastrophic.<p>

"S?" She hummed softly, her footsteps mimetic of her drumming heart. Spencer could sulk, she knew that better than anyone, but this had gone past her general sullen behavior. This was worry territory. This was cause for concern.

"Spencer, you've been up here for an hour now. Can you talk to me, please?"

Her voice sounded like her mother's soft but patronizing all the same. Old. Older than her time. She squinted at her girlfriend's prone form from the other side of the bed. She'd taken off the layers she'd adorned earlier, and was sat now in a tank top and her underwear, shivering on the side of the bed. Her shoulders were shaking, and the veins across her back and shoulders had turned an eerie blue, her ice like skin barely covering them. "Spencer!" Emily gasped as she placed a steadying hand on her girlfriend's ice cold shoulder, her hand seizing her just in time as Spencer's balance gave out and she toppled backwards onto the bed.

"Whoa, Spence?" She murmured as she pulled her, by the shoulders, into a sitting position against her own body. "Spencer, can you hear me?"  
>The corpse-like girl nodded slightly, her eyes unfocused and dizzy. Emily rubbed a hand up and down her arm, trying to rub some form of warmth back into the girl in her arms. Spencer shivered again.<p>

They'd warned her about this, at the hospital, that if the medication they were trying failed, anything could happen. Her blood sugar could drop, she could faint, or she could go into shock. Fever like symptoms could present themselves. She'd been prepared, but it didn't make it any easier.  
>"We need to get you warm." She murmured, shifting Spencer against her again, propping her up against her right shoulder whilst she wriggled her arm out of her shirt. With one arm free, she hastily pulled off the cotton of her top and kicked off her jeans, discarding them to the floor at her feet. She set about easing Spencer out of her tank top, trying to be as gentle as possible with her girlfriend's fragile form.<p>

"Body heat." She explained to Spencer as she turned down the sheets and slipped underneath them, pulling her girlfriend down on top of her and wrapping her shaking body in her arms. She couldn't see in the darkness under the sheets, but she was pretty certain that she was blue all over.

Her body was limp, so lifeless that Emily found herself moving Spencer herself; adjusting her slowly so that as much of their bare skin as possible was touching. With Spencer's head tucked securely into the crook of her neck, she rested her forehead against her girlfriend's soft dark hair, the feeling of the irregular heartbeat on top of her own presenting itself as an eerie comfort.

Never in her life had she ever before seen anyone this broken.

_"I love you." Spencer giggled happily as she allowed herself to be pulled into her girlfriend's lap and out of the water entirely,  
>"I love you too." Emily replied, happily nuzzling her nose against Spencer's before pecking her lips lightly. <em>

_"Now," Emily asserted, shaking Spencer playfully by the shoulders, "As romantic as this is, I'd prefer it if neither of us got pneumonia on the night of our engagement, so I vote we go inside." _

_"Pre-engagement. I still have to get you a ring." Spencer corrected her. _

_Emily rolled her eyes. _

_"Alright, the night of our pre-engagement. Either way, it's still more romantic without pneumonia." _

_"Actually, hypothermia's more likely." _

_Emily smacked her lightly on the head as she made to stand, holding out her hands to Spencer in an offer to help her up off of the ground. _

_"Well, excuse me for liking you better without any diseases." _

_She stopped, her voice caught in her throat and her words lingering in the air between them. _

_"Spence- I, that's not what I meant." _

_Spencer nodded, fumbling around on the ground trying to find a patch of land solid enough to push herself up from, ignoring Emily's waiting hands. _

_"It's okay, I knew what you meant." _

_Emily closed her eyes in frustration, letting out a heavy sigh, much to her girlfriend's annoyance. _

_"You know what I meant, without diseases that can be cured." _

_Spencer raised an eyebrow in a sort of twisted amusement. _

_"No!" Emily groaned, "I mean like, without pneumonia, or hypothermia, or cholera!" _

_She was getting desperate now, flailing in her speech. Though she seemed to be amusing her girlfriend. _

_"How about herpes? You can't cure herpes." Spencer smirked, feeling strangely entertained by her girlfriend's frustration. _

_"Fine. You can give yourself herpes if you like." Emily condescended, glad that the tension she'd created was starting to diffuse. _

_"Technically, Em, I don't think you can actually give yourself herpes." _

_Spencer was laughing now, and even Emily was smiling in spite of herself. There was a distinct feeling of annoyance at herself still lingering within her. _

_"Well, you can get yourself as herpes ridden as you like. Just don't give them to me." _

_Spencer's face lit up in a wicked smirk. _

_"And so, married life begins. It's only our pre-engagement and the sex has already stopped." _

_Emily rolled her eyes again, cocking her head to the side in amusement. _

_"I never said that sex had to stop. Just that sex without STI's is preferable." _

_Spencer nodded. The argument had been won. The score was settled. _

_Emily-1: Spencer-1. _

_Disease-free sex: pre-engagement. _

_"Now," Emily said turning around so that her back was less than a foot away from Spencer and bending forward slightly, and twisting her head around to look at Spencer over her shoulder, "Can I offer you a ride back to the house?" _

_Spencer grinned, nodding fervently. _

_"You may." She accepted; making to climb on her back but stopping before they actually touched. "Wait."_

_"What?" Emily asked, twisting around in concern. _

_"Are you sure this won't give you herpes?" _

_Emily scowled, smacking her playfully on the arm before bending back over. _

_"Well, I'll just have to take that risk." She grinned, hoisting Spencer onto her back. The brunette wrapped her arms tightly around her neck, her shaking blue legs twining themselves around Emily's body. _

"Spence…" Emily murmured, rubbing her hands furiously up and down Spencer's spine. She was barely conscious, and her breathing had panned out into a slow, steady drum. That, at least, was a good sign.

Sleep, was a good thing.

Sometimes Spencer's mind worked far too fast for her body.

Actually, she thought, that was wrong. Sometimes Spencer's body worked fast enough for her mind. But only sometimes.

Sleep was the only time when Spencer's mind could burn off energy without causing any harm to her body.

Spencer moaned softly, and Emily let out a huge sigh of relief.

"God, you scared me."

She pressed her lips against her forehead as she felt Spencer move against her again.

Another murmur, another movement.

"That was a bad episode, huh?" She asked softly, not caring that the conversation was still entirely one-sided.

Spencer stilled on top of her, and Emily took the lack of movement as an excuse to feel across her girlfriend's body, pressing her hands across her back and shoulders in search of any warmth she could find.

To her delight, she found that Spencer had warmed up slightly from when she'd found her. She'd stopped shaking now, too.

"I don't want to do this anymore, Em." She felt Spencer murmur into her neck, her muscles tensing fiercely under Emily's touch.

"Do what?

For the first time in her life, Emily was afraid of hearing Spencer speak.

"Live."


	24. The New Normal

Sorry for the ridiculous delay in updates...

* * *

><p>All Your Secrets and More<p>

Chapter Twenty Four- The New Normal

Three Months Later

"It's okay, Spence. Just a few more minutes." Emily whispered against the top of Spencer's head, as she ran a hand through her girlfriend's tangled hair. Spencer was shivering, wearing only a thin hospital gown that Emily was sure would rip if she so much as looked at it wrong. The gown was open at the chest, exposing a wide expanse of Spencer's pale skin and several brightly colored leads that were glaringly obvious against her snowy white skin.

"It hurts, Em." Spencer murmured, moving her chapped lips closer to Emily's ear, making sure they were out of earshot of the nurse. She knew she was sick, but no one else had to. Emily's face fell as she gulped, her eyes watering a little as she looked into Spencer's.

"I know babe, I know. Just a couple more minutes."

She pressed her lips gently against one of the stickers on her girlfriend's chest, ignoring the stern look she received from the nurse as a result.

"I think I might be sick, Em."

Emily sighed, reaching for a cardboard bowl and holding it underneath Spencer's chin. The doctors had assured them that the process wouldn't hurt Spencer, but they appeared to have lied. Softly, Emily's hand rubbed her girlfriend's shoulders as she was sick for the seventh time in an hour.

"I'm sorry," Spencer moaned, "this is really gross. You shouldn't have to do this."

Emily rolled her eyes and wiped the sick from Spencer's face with a wet wipe, pleased that she had finally stopped protesting against this.

"It's okay sweetie, I don't mind."

They'd gotten used to silence over the last few months. They'd had a lot of it to deal with. Silence from Spencer when she was still in denial over her condition. Silence from Emily when she didn't know how to handle it anymore. Silence from both of them when they had fought. Hanna and Aria had been the quietest of all, hardly saying two words to the pair of them when they were together. Only late at night did Hanna talk to Emily anymore, in the darkness of their room.

The four of them were slowly, and quietly, killing each other. And Spencer felt responsible.

"I'm not so sure the nurse is so pleased I'm here." Emily giggled in Spencer's ear, kissing the lobe briefly as she spoke. Spencer nodded as she glanced in the direction of a surly woman at the desk of the room who was looking disapprovingly at the pair of them.

"Maybe not. But I am."

This had, by far, been the easiest silence of them all to deal with. It reminded Emily of when they were kids and they had to communicate through eye contact and subtle gestures while their parents were around. Spencer, of course, had learnt sign language to resolve this problem, but had never managed to teach any of the other girls.

This silence wasn't their fault.

It was actually sort of amusing.

"Fuck," Spencer hissed, clutching at her chest and biting down hard on her lip. Emily pulled away, looking worriedly at the nurse. "Em!"

Spencer's eyes had closed now and there were tears streaming down her face and blood trickling from her mouth.

"Do something!" Emily screamed, leaning Spencer's body forward far enough so that she wouldn't choke and pulling her hair back off of her face.

"She'll be fine in a moment." The nurse reassured her, patting Emily's shoulder patronizingly and going back to her paperwork, "We just lowered the dosage, her body's adjusting."

It took a few minutes of screaming before Spencer's moans died down to a whimper and her body slumped back against her girlfriend's waiting shoulder, her head lolling to one side and her mouth half open.

"You're okay," Emily assured Spencer quietly, not wanting to hurt her pride, "It's over now." Her hands worked their way softly through her hair as she spoke, teasing Spencer's unruly curls around her fingers in something that bordered on a head massage.

"She needs some down time now," the nurse instructed as she gathered up her belongings, "A few minutes of rest and, as soon as her heart rate comes back down to a normal pattern, we'll unhook her from the machines."

Emily nodded and thanked the nurse politely, closing the door quickly as she left the room.

"Em?" Spencer moaned softly, "My eyes hurt." Emily sighed solemnly as she turned down the lights slightly- she knew that the procedure was for the best, but it was breaking her heart to see Spencer this way.

"Better?" She asked when it was almost dark. It was getting late now, and the tiny window was hardly shedding any light on the room at all.

"Almost." Spencer said, patting the bed beside her, "I think I know what could make it perfect."

Emily obliged, quickly crossing the room and sliding between the sheets next to Spencer. She'd tried this earlier, but had been told that the beds were for the patients and the patients alone. Wriggling around a little, Emily worked her long legs down the full length of the bed, so she was lying flat on her back next to her girlfriend.

"I don't want to hurt you, Spence," She whispered, "I don't know where I can hold you." Her voice caught in her throat as she spoke, and she found herself biting her lip to keep from crying.

Spencer sniffed, tugging at the wires still hooked to her chest and manoeuvring them more or less out of the way before she snuggled down into Emily's body- her legs wrapped around her girlfriends, and her head resting just above her heart.

"You can put your hands here-" Spencer suggested, placing one of Emily's hands on her hip and the other over her stomach, "and here. It doesn't hurt in either of those places. Watch my chest though, okay?"

Emily nodded in the darkness, though she was sure Spencer couldn't tell.

"You really scared me." She stated calmly, her thumb moving rhythmically over Spencer's side in order to keep some kind of control over their situation. "Just now. Last week. The week before that. Every time you've been hurting or hospitalized it's hurt me so deep, Spence. But nothing hurts so bad as what you said back at the cabin."

Emily swallowed hard, instinctively wrapping her arms slightly tighter around her girlfriend's body.

"A little bit of me died that day, Spence."

Sensing that Spencer was finally sleeping, Emily nuzzled her face against the top of her girlfriend's head, wiping a couple of stray tears away on her hair.

"And I just keep thinking about what would happen if I didn't have you."

Another sniff, another tear.

"And that thought scares me more than anything."

Emily bit her lip cautiously, shuffling down the bed so that she was on the same level as Spencer. She needed to hold her properly, now- she'd missed cuddling.

"The thought of not getting to do everything together, you know?" She whispered, gently pressing her lips to Spencer's nose, "Like spring break of senior year? And prom. God, I can't wait to take you to our senior prom- you're going to look beautiful. I'm really looking forward to your valedictory speech too- it's going to be witty and eloquent, and full of huge words that Aria's going to have to translate for Hanna while you're talking. Before we know it we'll be off to college and we'll be Facetime-ing all night, and driving long distance every weekend to see each other- but it'll all be worth it by the time we're both fully licensed to do whatever we want to do.

"Then we'll be in the big scary real world together. Moving in together after graduation, in a little apartment that's close enough to work for both of us. Of course that won't be for too long, just until you're done with medical school, because as soon as we get married we'll buy a house. Our wedding, by the way, will be incredible. I'll wear white, you'll wear black. You look beautiful in black. Hanna will by my maid of honor, Aria will be yours."

Emily paused, moving her lips to Spencer's ear and whispering, "I'm really looking forward to our honeymoon too."

"We'll wait a year after getting married, but then we'll start trying for a baby. I want a big family, Spence, but not too big. Two, maybe three kids- definitely more than one. I don't want our kid being an only child. Maybe a boy and a girl…"

"Two boys and a girl." Spencer murmured, her eyes flickering open as she smiled goofily at Emily. "We'll have two boys, a year or so apart from each other, and then a little girl a few years later. The eldest boy's middle name is going to be Wayne- after your dad."

Emily grinned, pecking her girlfriend playfully on the nose.

"How long have you been awake?"

Spencer smiled shyly, flickering her eyes away from Emily's face for a moment.

"I was never asleep; just resting. And then you started to talk and I…I just wanted to listen."

Ruffling Spencer's hair gently, Emily felt her ovaries twitch at the lopsided smile on her girlfriend's face- sure, she was so pumped full of drugs that she probably couldn't feel her feet, but for once she was happy.

"I'd very much like to kiss you right now," Emily confessed, pressing her forehead against Spencer's and staring straight into her wide brown eyes, "is that okay?"

Without waiting for an answer, Emily leant forward and gently pressed her smooth, glossy lips against Spencer's pale chapped ones. It felt slightly odd to Emily, kissing Spencer now- a good oddness, like the oddness she'd felt the first time they'd kissed.

It'd been months since they'd last had sex. That time in the locker room, to be precise. Emily had felt so bad, almost like she'd caused Spencer's heart condition (though she knew she hadn't) and had been slightly nervous of sex since then.

Spencer felt her muscles relaxing as she let her lips slide around Emily's. The taller girl's hands found their places in Spencer's hair and on the back of her neck, her gentle fingers pressing themselves against the obvious knots in her girlfriend's muscles, giving Spencer's body the release it needed. Spencer moaned into the kiss, rolling her body over slightly so her torso was pressed flat against Emily's.

Emily giggled as she glanced at the heart monitor next to the bed, watching as Spencer's heart rate spiked excitedly. She lowered one of her hands to the gap in the back of her girlfriend's hospital gown and slipped it underneath, letting her fingers roam the cold skin of Spencer's bare back- much to Spencer's delight. The smaller girl shivered in delight, carefully moving her lips in time with Emily's gentle strokes of her skin. In time with each other. In sync.

It had been too long since they'd touched like this.

Yet they hadn't forgotten.

Ever so slowly, Spencer drew her lips away from Emily's and settled her head back against her chest. This was probably the top of the long list of things she hated about her heart: the tiredness. The dizziness, the aches, the watery eyes. She couldn't last five minutes on the hockey field anymore- not when she was taking her meds at least.

Sure, Spencer knew that was the whole point- the meds did _intentionally_ slow her down to stop her from overworking her heart. They kept her blood pressure lower, her stress levels down and generally kept her a damn sight healthier than she would have been otherwise.

And Spencer couldn't stand it.

She was sick of the pitying looks her teachers gave her, the looks of disgust from her parents and the harsh '_it's all for the best'_ glares from the doctors she saw. She hated Hanna's constant questions and Aria's wide, cautious eyes.

But most of all she hated the look of sheer pain that crossed Emily's face every time she thought she wasn't looking; the way her girlfriend winced whenever Spencer began to any signs of pain, the sharp intake of breath she took whenever she saw Spencer falter.

It was killing Emily to see her condition killing Spencer.

Like Meta killing.

That sort of comment would usually earn an affectionate eye roll and a peck on the lips from Emily, it was what she called one of Spencer's 'nerd moments'. Emily always said that Spencer's nerdy side was one of the things that made her love her most.

And that was what Spencer loved the most about Emily: that Emily loved the part of Spencer that even she herself found irritating.

Meta, again.

Meta loving, Meta killing.

"Seems like you're enjoying yourself." Emily smirked against Spencer's lips, gesturing to the erratic pattern of Spencer's heart rate on the monitor. Spencer grinned.

"Of course I am. I'm pumped full of drugs and on top of the most gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes upon. That's enough to get anyone's heart racing."

Emily smiled again, gently kissing Spencer once more before pulling away and settling her girlfriend back against the pillows on the bed.

"So what are we naming the rest of our kids?" She asked softly, stroking Spencer's hair as she watched the energy beginning to drain away from Spencer's face yet again.

"Hmm," Spencer sighed, a content smile shaping her lips, "I'm not sure. Strong names, especially for the boys. But with meaning, too- not something bland. Holden, maybe?"

"I like that. Holden Wayne Hastings." Emily whispered, finding Spencer's fingers underneath the sheets, "I like the way you worked the literature reference in there, too, Spence. Don't think I didn't notice."

Spencer smiled sheepishly.

"I like names from books, so sue me."

Emily smiled and kissed her forehead gently again, laying down beside her and resting Spencer's head on her chest.

"So do I, Spencer. Just don't go trying to name any of our kids Frodo."

Spencer laughed softly, her pale lips pouting up at Emily along with her best puppy dog eyes.

"Fine…what about Gollum?"

Emily frowned.

"I actually quite like that."

Spencer's eyes widened in deepest shock, her face paling.

"What?" Em, you can't name our son after any of the Lord of the Rings characters."

"I know, but your reaction was priceless. You should have seen your face."

Spencer smiled softly, a calm toothy smile, as she beckoned Emily closer with her finger.

"What do you want?" Emily asked, gladly obliging and leaning forward to dangle her face over Spencer's.

"This." Spencer whispered, pressing her lips against Emily's quickly before pulling back and looking into her eyes fully.

"What, a kiss?" Emily laughed, rubbing her nose against Spencer's, "You can get one of those anytime."

"No, not the kiss. Though that is good to know. I meant this- us. Talking about getting married and having kids together. I love this."

"Me too." Emily nodded, pecking Spencer's lips lightly again.

* * *

><p>Later that evening, after Spencer's nurse had detached her from the array of machines and Spencer had bitched very loudly about the treatment the whole ride home, they were back at Spencer's house for the evening.<p>

"You're parents not home?" Emily asked in surprise as she helped Spencer over the threshold.

"You sound surprised." Spencer laughed, "Of course they're not home. My mom's staying with Melissa in Philly and Dad's in Europe for the week."

"So you're alone?" Emily snorted in disgust, swinging Spencer's bag over her shoulder as she took her girlfriend's coat and hung it on the hook in the hall. Spencer nodded meekly, allowing Emily's hands to guide her into the living room.

"You're still in the process of recovering from a serious heart attack and they left you alone?"

Spencer shrugged her shoulders, accepting Emily's help up the stairs and into her bedroom.

"Em, it's not a big deal- they leave me home alone all the time."

Emily shook her head, "But normally, you haven't just had a _heart attack._ Okay? This is a serious thing."

Spencer rolled her eyes. "I know, Em, I was there."

"Whatever, I'm staying with you tonight."

Spencer grinned. "Well, that was the plan all along."

Emily nodded, stroking Spencer's hair as she sat down next to her on the bed.

"You're somewhat of a genius- anyone ever told you that?" She asked her, leaning her head against Spencer's.

"Yes. But it's always nice to hear how wonderful I am." She smirked, her eyes flickering across to Emily's. "My dad blames my kindergarten teacher for my ego- she gave me a gold star every day."

"Mrs. Peterson?"

"Yeah, she always liked me."

"Most teachers do, Spence. You're ridiculously smart."

"Is that why you love me?" She teased, pressing her nose against Emily's for a moment.

"Among other reasons, yes." Emily answered, placing a kiss on Spencer lips before getting up and beginning to unpack Spencer's bag.

"I don't know why you're bothering unpacking that, we both know I'll be back in before you know it."

Emily rolled her eyes, closing one of Spencer's drawers and turning around.

"You will not be going anywhere if you take your meds and get a decent amount of rest."

Spencer groaned, her thin lips pursing as she scowled at her girlfriend.

"Don't give me that attitude, missy." Emily reprimanded, "And anyway, I'm putting some clean essentials into a small bag just in case you get bad again, okay sweetie?"

Spencer smiled, up at her thankfully.

"Is my phone over there, Em?" She asked, catching it as her girlfriend tossed it to her. "Thanks. I'm going to call Hanna and Aria and ask them to come over. We haven't seen them in a while, I kind of want to apologize."

Emily sighed, sitting down next to Spencer once more and patting her thigh.

"What for?"

Spencer shifted uncomfortably, covering Emily's hand with her own.

"I've been kind of a bitch lately, you know? I've been distant and all they wanted was to help and to support me. They didn't deserve that."

Emily smiled proudly.

"You don't have to apologize for anything, they understand, Spence- you're sick. Okay? You're in a really vulnerable place right now, and we're all here for you. No matter what. We love you. But it shows the kind of person you are that you want to. And that's the person that I fell in love with."

"I know, Emily."

* * *

><p>Later that night all four girls were lounging around in Spencer's bedroom, <em>Sliding Doors<em> was playing on Spencer's laptop but none of them were really focused on it. Along with two pizza boxes, several boxes of Chinese food mingled between them. Spencer lay back against Emily's body, with Hanna slumped beside them and Aria lying on her stomach at her feet.

This was Friday night like it should be.

"Wanna switch?" Hanna asked, kicking Aria in the stomach and holding out her carton of Orange Chicken. Aria nodded, taking the box from Hanna and handing her hers in return.

"You know, there are nicer ways to get someone's attention than kicking them." She chided.

"Yeah, but I didn't feel like flashing you." Hanna smirked.

Spencer smiled. She'd missed her friends.

"I actually don't think I can physically eat anymore." Emily said as Hanna passed her another slice of pizza.

"Suit yourself." Hanna laughed, "Spence? You hungry?"

Spencer shook her head. "Not really. But thanks."

Hanna nodded. Aria had warned her on their drive over not to put her foot in her mouth with Spencer (which she apparently did a lot).

"In that case, I think I'll take this stuff downstairs." Emily sighed, reluctantly moving from behind Spencer and clearing up the remains of the food.

"I'll help." Aria offered, taking a few of the plates and following Emily out of the room.

Hanna bit her lip as she glanced, what she thought was subtly, over at Spencer. They hadn't been alone together since their swim at the lakehouse- and that hadn't ended well for any of them. Not six hours later Spencer was sicker than she'd been since she was diagnosed. Hanna had been in the dog house with Emily for weeks after that.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer." Spencer smirked wryly, adjusting herself against her pillows and glaring at Hanna.

"Sorry." Hanna replied. Apologizing was a reflex now. "You just look so…not Spencer."

"Constructive." Spencer drawled.

It was silent for a moment, and Hanna thought that she may have overstepped the line this time. Shyly, she glanced across at Spencer again, catching her eye this time. She waited. She smiled.

And so did Spencer.

It was one of those rare smiles that Spencer only rewarded the world with in the moments when she was truly content. A smile full of genuine emotion, promise and hope.

"I can't believe how ill I made you, Spence." Hanna whispered, her lips trembling as she looked away again ashamedly. "I can't believe I was so stupid."

Spencer laughed.

"Don't flatter yourself." She said, her eyes glinting. "You may be a pain in the ass sometimes Han, but I don't think you're good enough to give a girl two heart attacks."

Hanna blushed.

"Emily hates me. She thinks it's my fault."

Spencer shook her head.

"She thinks we're both stupid. Me more than you- I didn't take my meds, swam in open water for way too long in cold weather and refused to listen to her or anyone else. You just helped."

Hanna nodded sagely.

"Well, I'm sorry anyway."

Silence fell over them again, but it was not so awkward this time. Both were content as they sat, each lost in their own thoughts.

"You know how much I love you, right?" Hanna whispered, poking Spencer in the thigh and smiling. "And I know that I don't say it very often, but it's much easier to tease you than it is to tell you that. That you're the closest thing to a sister that I've got and it'd rather die than see anything happen to you."

Hanna paused, glancing over at Spencer through teary eyes.

"Hey!" She laughed, poking her best friend in the leg again, "I'm giving you a speech about what a great friend I am and you're falling asleep?"

Spencer's eyes flickered open lazily.

"Sorry, I'm just tired again. Treatment was especially intense today."

Hanna smiled gently.

"It's okay. But you can't sleep like that, you'll get stiff." She said, gesturing to the way Spencer's body was slumped awkwardly across the bed. "Come here."

She half lifted Spencer's shoulders off the pillows and settled her back against her own body. They were comfortable like this. Spencer had always been comfortable in Hanna's company.

"There." Hanna said, satisfied that Spencer would, at least, not ache all over when she finally woke up. "Now you can sleep- if you want to."

Spencer nodded sleepily, her head lolling back as her eyes closed against her will.

"I feel bad. We haven't spent any time together lately and now I'm falling asleep on you. I officially suck."

Hanna laughed, pulling the comforter up over her best friend and herself and reaching over to dim the lights.

"You can buy me breakfast tomorrow and it'll be fine."

"The way to your heart always was through your stomach." Spencer mumbled, "Dating you would certainly be a lot simpler than dating Emily."

"It'd be weird, though." Hanna laughed after a moment of silence. "You and me."

"Agreed."

"Let's never speak of that idea again? It's kinda gross."

Spencer smiled into Hanna's shoulder and nodded.

"Night, Hanna." She whispered.

The fence was mended. Now she could sleep.

* * *

><p>"You think they've sorted out whatever's been going on between them finally?" Emily asked Aria as she fetched them both bottles of water out of the Hastings' fridge.<p>

"Hard to say," Aria smirked, "They're as stubborn as each other. And I'm not sure either of them really knows what's going on lately."

Emily nodded, taking a seat next to Aria at the counter.

"Spencer's stressed because of everything that's gone on lately, with her heart and her parents. And Hanna's stressed because of all the tension between all of us lately. And Spencer can't be mad at me or you, so she's taking it out on Hanna. It's totally unfair but I don't even think she knows she's doing it."

"Hanna _is_ annoying, though." Aria smiled, "But she means well. And I guess we kind of love her."

"That we do." Emily grinned, "Both of them."

Emily gave Aria a shy smile as she sipped her water.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Emily replied tenderly, looking at Aria with concern. "Is everything alright?"

Aria blushed, looking awkwardly away from Emily and focusing her attention on the countertop.

"Yeah, it's just…" Aria trailed off, still avoiding making full eye contact with Emily. "Just…how did you and Spencer like, you know, get together?"

Emily looked at Aria quizzically, "Aria, you know this story. You've heard this story so many times you could tell it."

"Humor me."

"Okay…" Emily said slowly, "Spencer knew she liked me, I knew I liked her. I told you I liked her and you told me to tell her. She cried, I cried, she told me she loved me and then we…kissed."

Aria nodded, taking in each word of Emily's as she spoke.

"So, you just knew?"

Emily smiled shyly, blushing as she thought of Spencer on the first night they spent together as a couple.

"I guess. I mean, once I came out- to myself, not to anyone else- I kind of had to re-evaluate how I felt about everyone. And with Spence it just felt…special."

Aria bit her lip.

"So you didn't, um, experiment with each other or anything?"

Emily quirked an eyebrow. "No. Why?"

Aria shook her head.

"It's Hanna." She sighed, "We kissed, a while back, and since then I just keep questioning everything. Everything about Ezra and you guys. I just keep thinking, if you guys went from friends to more than that then what's to say that we won't end up that way? And so many people have told me that they've never seen friends as close as we are…"

Emily smiled endearingly, "Ar." She interrupted, placing a hand on her best friend's shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"You need to talk to her. Okay? Whatever the outcome."

Aria nodded. "I don't know how I feel. I mean…I don't think I'm gay, but…"

Emily smiled wryly, giving her best friend a one armed hug.

"You don't have to be gay to feel something towards another girl, Ar. It's perfectly normal, especially at our age. What with your hormones going crazy, and after everything that went down with A, it's perfectly natural for you to have a much stronger attachment to Hanna than to anyone else in your life. Okay?"

Aria nodded, looking sheepish.

"I could never imagine dating Hanna." She laughed, wiping a stray tear away from her eye.

"I know that feeling, sometimes I still can't believe that I'm dating Spencer."

Aria shook her head.

"The two of you are perfect together."

"You know what she said to me the other day?" Emily laughed, "She told me that when we were together, she felt more like an integer than when we're apart."

Aria laughed and rolled her eyes.

"So, in her own nerdy way, she said you complete her?"

Emily nodded.

"It may be the sweetest thing she's ever said."

Aria yawned loudly, screwing up her face as Emily glanced at her watch.

"It's getting late, we should probably be getting to bed." She said, rising from the counter and leading Aria up the stairs.

"Awh," Emily mouthed from the doorway as she stepped inside Spencer's bedroom and saw her lying cuddled up with Hanna in her bed. "Looks like they patched things up."

"Things will be back to normal in no time." Aria smiled, tucking the blankets up around Spencer and Hanna.

"This is normal, Ar," Emily whispered, "It's the new normal."


End file.
